I RAN!

Last night I did something I haven't done in months and months... for a lot of reasons, and most recently, for the obvious reasons I have been talking about on this blog for the last two months. I went to the gym.

I had been thinking about it for a few days. I got dressed to go several times and was too... afraid? (not quite the right word...) to go. Last night I finally went. I got dressed to go in the morning and I didn't make it out the door until after 930pm at night but I did go.

It was hard. It was scary. I was afraid of people looking at me. I was afraid of MEN looking at me. I wore a jacket, three shirts, a sports bra, a bra, pants and a pair of bike shorts underneath. I still felt really exposed.

When I got up to the treadmills I about had a heart attack because out of the 20+ treadmills there were probably 4 or 5 guys up there and they were all equally spread out so I couldn't be more than one machine away from any of them. At that point I wasn't sure I could stay, but I did, and I just set up camp next to a woman, and prayed that the guy two machines over would leave soon.

I watched Law and Order on the tv. I was sweating like crazy in all those clothes but I didn't want to take my sweatshirt off because I didn't want the guy on the machine two over to be able to see my body. Do you see what an issue this is becoming? I was completely aware of how out of control it was getting and at the same time I couldn't control my anxiety enough to just take the darn thing off.

This is the "exciting" thing, if you can call it that. I ran! I have had a knee injury (patello-femural syndrome- runner's knee- basically my knee grinds bone on bone) for the last couple of years and haven't been able to take care of it with PT on my own. I have really missed running, especially now with all of this adrenilne from the anxiety built up in me. Well, yesterday, I RAN!

Guess how fast I ran????

3mph.

LOL

Do you have any idea how excruciating it is to run that slow? What was sad was that I was wiped after "running" at that pace for 5 minutes and had to go back to walking! What sucked more was that my knee still ended up hurting afterwards anyway. :( But the pain during was minimal, which is good... but the pain after indicates that my joints are still grinding so I probably shouldn't do it.

So I did leave my house this week, I did an activity, and I did something physical for the first time since everything happened. Lots of firsts.

On the flip side, I was in WalMart last week and needed to stop and take my blood pressure at the pharmacy area (I have to monitor it because of the medication I am on can cause high blood pressure, so I am supposed to check it every time I see a machine). A man was sitting at the machine, but was getting up to leave. I almost cried to see him sitting there because he had touched it. I had to check my BP because it had been a long time since I checked it since I haven't been leaving the house, but I didn't want my body to touch anything he touched. Without even thinking about it, I pulled a piece of paper out of my purse, wrapped it around my arm, and stacked some products on the machine so my skin wouldn't come into contact with anything he had touched and I could still check my BP. Then I cried.

I know it's not normal, and I dont know why I did it. I didn't even think about it, I just did it. It really upset me- both that I did it, and that I was so disturbed that some man had touched the machine. Intellectually I know it's ridiculous. But the rest of me... ??? I don't even know what to think. I told my therapist, she seemed to understand, she said that it was consistent with the trauma I had, she also said that I might need EDMR therapy because of what happened in the house, which is some sort of eye movement thing which desensitizes you from trauma, and she also offered to refer me back to IOP (the outpatient thing.)

I have to go shoot a wedding today. Can't we just shoot me instead?

Oh, and the cat learned how to slide the window open now too, in addition to pulling the screen out. So, the window I had opened a crack, was slid open 8 inches so he could let himself out to go play outside this morning, where I found him wandering around yowling for me in the grass, covered in mud. Thanks Tootie. YOU ARE AN INSIDE CAT! READ THE MEMO!