Divorce Diet

My friend Allison mentioned something to me about the "Divorce Diet" and we didn't actually get a chance to talk about it, but it seems pretty self explanatory to me, especially since I seem to be on it.

I've had weight issues for a long time. I distinctly remember "confessing" to Jessica Noble in the 5th grade that I weighed 100 pounds. I was so embarrassed and ashamed about it. Now, in contrast, watching that show, "Too Fat for Fifteen" about a camp for overweight teens, a little girl named Emily (!) who is 11 years old, weighed in at 211 pounds when she arrived at the camp. She's probably really tall for her age, but either way, she doesn't look that terrible and neither did I. But when I got my driver's license 5 years later and wrote 179 down as my weight, I was definetly over 200 pounds at that point. I am only 5 foot 5 inches. I definetly think the constant harrassment by my family about my weight probably didn't do too much to curb that whole "self-fufilling prophecy" thing.

My weight is kind of always going up and down, but I had kicked the 200's butt in 2008 and dropped 60+ pounds and have maintained a 10/12 size since then. I was on an upswing on my weight before this started, weighing in at a whopping 189.8 pounds, which was really freaking me out. It was the heaviest I had been in two years, even though I could still get in my clothes.

Yesterday was the two week mark of the day I had found out. I weighed in at 179 even this morning.

I tried to eat a litle tonight and it positively made me feel absolutely sick and nauseated almost immediately. I did end up waiting it out and eating, but my new food habits are fascinating to me, because in all the bizarre eating habits I have (I am a binger and can find ANYTHING to binge on, including broccoli. And no, I'm not kidding.), I have gone to a whole new level of weird [for me at least].

Tonight I had Pumpkin Ravioli, one of my favorites, from Whole Foods. It's a fresh pasta imported from Italy and is freakishly expensive but I splurged on it since I haven't been eating very much. Typically I would make a sage butter (margarine) sauce, or goat cheese, butter sauce (margarine, again), or olive oil and balsalmic sauce. I'd also typically have a nice salad and a couple slices of bread to sop up the sauce. (Typing that out now it sounds totally disgusting.)

Tonight I put some salt on it and drank a glass of water. Oh, and some pasta water got in there too. I think I had like, at least 8 raviloi. It felt like way too much. That was it. Just salt and water.

Divorce Diet?

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I went to the lab yesterday and had them run tests. So far, everything has come back normal. I had to do it. You just never know what could happen or how it could. I hated being there. (I told the receptionst everything too, of course.)

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A fellow blogger reached out to me today, and it just, it really helped. I have been having super issues with holding everything in. It is making me feel tense ALL the time, to an extreme. I am always on edge, always ready to run, like we are on the verge of a natural disaster and I have to be ready. I feel freaked out, tense, stressed and any other synonyms you can think of for those words, all day long. And when this blogger reached out, I cried. I needed to cry so bad. When I cry now, I actually cry OUT. It sounds like an animal dying. I sound like a dying moose or dog or something. I'm sure the neighbors are loving it. But I need to cry. My heart hurts. I am scared.

As I think about these things, like my post last night, I worry. Matt's motivations in everything are scary. If he was manipulating and lying to me purely for his own benefit and just feeding me lines, "I didn't have anything because I didn't have you," and was seeking out some kind of revenge on his wife and using me in the process... I feel sick. If he truly loved me, then how could he have lied? Either option or scenario is not good and the first in particular, if true is going to make this whole process a whole lot more difficult to process. I've been used and dumped before. At this point, even though I was lied to, if that is what happened, and it happened again, then there is something I am doing to attract these people. I can't take the heartache. I don't want this to be my fault. I don't want to be responsible for what he did. And I feel like it's my fault.

I loved him. I really loved him. I thought it was real. It WAS real to me. Every moment of it. I had never been so happy. This was the best relationship I had ever been in and that is no exageration whatsoever! I just remember sitting with him, and smiling so big and just telling him, "I am SO happy. I have never been SO happy. You make me SO HAPPY!" I would squeal like a pig with glee I was so giddy. My dad bragged to family about how happy and proud he was... that it was about time for me. That I deserved some happiness and someone who treated me right.

I thought I had that.