The Climb

I'm glad to see that there are a couple new people checking in with me here. It means so much to me. Especially since you are people I don't know in the real world. It just feels so much safer here. I don't know how to explain it, but I hope you can understand. Everything is just so humiliating... it's nice to know you are here, but to not know your faces.

Today marks four weeks since I found out. The afternoon of Tuesday August 3rd is when I found out. I had laid awake that night before well into the wee sma's [wee small hours of the morning for those of you who aren't LM Montgomery readers.] worrying and wondering exactly what was going on. I honestly didn't know. I certainly didn't think that this was what was being kept from me. You can't make this stuff up. I can barely keep it all straight. And I lived it.

Here and there a piece of information or a date or something he said will come floating on a string through my mind and I will recoil or shake my head or shudder or just wonder what on earth he was doing or thinking. How could he do this to me? I loved him. I still do. How do you hurt the people you love?

I haven't yet shared how exactly I found out, and I have been going back and forth as to whether I wanted to do that today. I had been sitting on the couch the last few hours thinking I needed to blog because I felt so terrible and I need an outlet. And I need to talk to people. I need to hear from people and know that they are there and listening and I am not by myself. I have lots of friends, of course. But without Matt, knowing my life from this point on will be without him, when I had had so much faith that I would never walk alone again... knowing he is never again going to hold my hand and I am in this by myself.... I feel very alone. My soul, my heart... I feel very empty, alone, abandoned. I miss my partner.

I feel alone, and I feel trapped. I so desperately want to run. Literally and figuratively. If I didn't have this broken foot and knee injury, (which I can tell is getting worse from me laying around) I would literally be spriting on a treadmill or running and crying through a park somewhere. Mentally where I am at I think more about running away. Just getting in my car and driving hundreds of miles to nowhere. Just leaving and going somewhere and not caring about the consequences. But I can't. And I hate it.

I feel so trapped in this house. It's so messy and dirty. It's too small and there is crap everywhere all the time, even when it is clean. There is constant maintenance because there isn't room for anything. The trash overflows in a day and a half... my boy cat Toulouse (Tootie) thinks the litter box is a sand box to play in and flips litter all over the floor of the bathroom every day. But there's no alternative set up because of the size of my house.

I feel trapped in my job. I've been trying to find a job in another industry since the fall of 2008 with no luck whatsoever.

I feel trapped in my education. Every time I try to move forward with my graduate degree some disaster happens and I have to pull the reigns back... further trapping me where I am.

I feel suspended in time. My life was always moving, moving, moving. Growing and developing. and now I have been caught in a transition stage for almost 4 years and I can't seem to get out of it. Things were finally about to move forward. I was registering to take the LSAT again this fall and signing up for prep classes, studying... starting over with law school. Throwing out my old credits and starting from scratch. I was supposed to start class the Saturday after I found out.

Obviously, not the wisest thing to be taking an exam that important when I am not capable of bathing myself more than 3 times in a month, eating more than 300 calories in a day and cry endlessly or numb out and stare at the walls and feel nothing... because to feel anything would be so overwhelming I couldn't survive the pain.

I'll try and talk about how I found out tomorrow. It's a long story, but the short version is, I had no idea, no clues, no hints, nothing. We were together for a year and a half and although there were lots of bumps in our road, the way we felt about each other and the peace I eventually came to feel in our relationship... I "knew" this was it. Partner, best friend, soul mate... I meant those things. I still do. But when I realized he had lied about his name... that man I had known and loved... he disappeared like dust into the air.... just dissolved into space. And he's gone now.

All I can think is I just want him to come home. I don't know how to deal with this. Come home. Hug me, hold me, tell me you love me. That everything is fine; that it was all a dream. Wake me up from this nightmare. Please.

 But he never comes.