Blubbery Mess

I have Pride and Prejuidice playing in the background and just the music and my feelings are making me weepy.

I want my Matty. I miss my Matty. I want him to come home. I want him to hug me and hold me and tell me he loves me and everything is ok. Like he has always done.

I don't want this woman's husband, Matt Langford, I don't even know who he is. I want who I knew, Matt Timmons. That man was my partner, my love, my BEST friend! I've never had a man tell me I was their best friend before and when he said it, I wasn't there yet. But I got there eventually. And he knew me, all of me. Every crazy part of me, and he loved every part of me. And I miss my sweet, sweet Matty. I wish he hadn't died. I would give anything...

Some realizations today... I think he tried to get out of it. My dad made some terrible comments about how his story was so complex and detailed and it had to be practiced and plotted and done before on other women... these were the most hurtful words my broken heart could have heard. And talking it over with friends, I don't think it's true. I don't know how or why he got into this, what motivated him, what drives any person to do this, if he was looking for attention, he felt neglected because of the baby, maybe he doesn't wear the pants in his relationship and wanted to be in control, he wished he could start over again, maybe he wasn't ready for all of it... I don't know. I can only guess. But I do think that it went much further than he intended. (Maybe, I honestly can't know and I hope I am not minimizing what he did... I'm afraid I am.)

Early on in dating he said his parents had asked him to move to Redding to be near family and he had to seriously consider it because of XY and Z. I was really upset because our relationship was just starting to get serious.... Now looking back... if he didn't intend on this to be what it turned in to... maybe he picture a few afternoons away from home talking to someone new or something... but he met me instead and we started getting serious... so he tried to back pedal. This could be logical. It eases the pain at least...

Now, conflicting with this is that we were an official couple, nuts about each other, all over each other, talked constantly, texted all day, talked on the phone every day and I met him on duty for lunch, practically every single day he worked. We were crazy about each other and couldn't get enough of each other... So it wasn't ever a casual thing... but, anyway, for theory's sake, he tries to back pedal and instead of getting out of it? We ended up telling each other we loved each other that day. That conversation, realizing he would be going away, I wanted him to know how I felt about him, and we had both beaten around the bush earlier, making clear how we felt without actually saying the words so we could do it in person, but because this issue popped up and we didn't have a planned day together for a couple more days, I ended up telling him I loved him and it ended up being this big emotional, happy thing and he told me some of the most dear, wonderful, sweetest things I had ever heard that day. And earlier, it had been awful, thinking I would lose this amazing man I had just met, had just fallen in love with but sharing those feelings changed everything. It stopped the dynamic from changing.... I can step back and think about this and see... he tried to get out of it, and we got closer instead.

Same thing happened with the stroke and him moving away... he came over here to tell me if he would give long distance a shot and he was so stubborn and hard lined and had absolutely no reasons as to why he wouldn't try it and I just couldn't understand. He just said it wouldn't work. And I said, well, if we're going to break up because of this, and not because you are rejecting me, we love each other, just the timing is off, then let me say goodbye how I want to. I want you to cuddle and hold me and talk and just be normal so the last moments I have with you are happy... He was upset and said that would be so much harder for him to do that and I told him well I didn't really care what he thought because he was breaking my heart here for no actual reason! lol So we snuggled and cuddled and he held me and we laughed and talked... that was a huge defining moment in our relationship... One of the most special days we had I think... and he told me he couldn't imagine leaving me or giving me up, he couldn't and we would make it work. He tried to get out of it... and we got even closer to each other. Closer than I had ever been with anyone else. The emotional intimacy that I had with Matt is not comparable to any other relationship I have been in.

It's plausible... I don't want to let him off the hook... he did a terrible thing, but this is something I can think about and put myself in that place and try and understand how it felt and how he got stuck... I don't know how he ended up on this path to begin with, but, I think I can see his confusion over what to do with both of us. If this theory is right... it would also meant that his sentiments for me were true and that he loved me, which would be a huge relief.

The alternative is of course is that this was a big game, and he liked being in control and he was able to perfectly control me in our relationship. This seems to be what most people think (although I'm pretty sure everyone else doesn't think about this 24 hours a day like I do, but I also have more to lose emotionally by admitting he really did this), and it is also consistent with the pure bad intentions he had in putting a personal ad online. Which is how we met. Yeah, I just came out... We "met" at Starbucks, but we came to know of each other's existence on this earth via Yahoo Personals... and he contacted me. He had a paid subscription. And that is not the behavior of somebody who wasn't looking for trouble. And he told me he had contacted other people. And while we dated he had told me about going on coffee dates with other women, which in retrospect, were also probably during his marriage. I didn't remember that in time to share that with "them," but I'm not dealing with that anymore. That time has passed now. There are a couple of other things I have since remembered that make me very uncomfortable that I think they should know... big things... but, I have to stay out of it.

I want a puppy. Amelia says, "Hi."