If it's not one thing, it's always another. So, I'm doing much better on eating. Doing a little too well. I'm eating too much now. I'm probably not intaking a huge amount of calories; it's probably close to appropriate. But they aren't great choices. I'm choosing items from around the house, so lots of frozen meals, so they have lots of sodium, and lots of "veggie meat" which apparently seems to be breaded and fried. I pulled some veggie chicken out of the freezer and it looks like a giant chicken nugget. Tastes fine, but it's a giant chicken nugget. Not really ideal for a dieter.
I'm totally lacking in fresh fruits and vegetables and have absolutely zero interest in hunting those items down right now. I know it's good I am eating, but I am also disappointed because I AM overweight and it just would have been a nice cheater benefit out of this whole "I'm too depressed and strung out on medication to eat anymore" thing if I could have magically gotten down to a healthy weight as a side effect of this. Just sayin'.
I don't think I am ready yet to talk about how I found out. It's not that it is really dramatic or anything, but it is long and I am afraid telling it is going to make me re-live it. For some reason... when I am telling stories like that about this whole thing, I start feeling like I am in the moment and I start to panic and get really upset. I don't like that...
Today was the four week mark, and I did survive the day, but I coped with food and about a five hour nap. I felt like I was just waiting for the day to be over. But when I looked at the calendar and realized it was already Tuesday today... the days go by so fast; this week is going by so fast. My LIFE is passing me by. But the days drag on. I don't feel like I have anything to live for or look forward to. I don't have a plan. My dreams are gone. They died with him. I don't know what my dreams are now.
I don't know what I want to be or where I want to go in this life anymore. But I don't feel lost either... more like floudering and flailing and just waiting for the Mama bird to come scoop me up and take me back to the nest and take care of me. I don't feel capable or qualified to make my own descions anymore. But I don't understand why.
I'm so tired. I just want to sleep. I want new sheets and a new bedspread. I keep looking online at things I can't afford. But I want some nice new cool sheets to lay on and turn on my side, and look at the window and stare. And not think. I am filled with so many feelings and memories and they just consume me. I want to pull the plug on the drain in this tub on my body and let them flow away and leave me empty again. How am I ever going to be "Me" again? I don't even know who I am anymore. I'm the woman who had an affair with some woman's husband? Even though I didn't know... part of my brain still tells me that's who I am. Is that who I am? Some adulteress? Some horrible person who broke up a home and a family? Or some stupid girl who didn't ask enough questions or push enough for answers? Neither of those people sound like me... not at all. But I don't know where I fit into this either. Today I have been replaying my conversation with Sydney (the wife) over and over again in my mind... Trying to remember everything we said, how she reacted or responded... There wasn't anything new buried there. The only thing I accomplished in replaying that memory was conjuring up a fantasy of more things I wished I could tell her or talk to her about. Things I forgot to say. Things I downplayed because I was ashamed or embarrassed in the moment. Things I remembered later and don't have to do with me... but I know she would have wanted to know. ...Wondering if I should tell her... Reminding myself that I need to mind my own business and if she wants to know anything, she knows where to find me.
I feel so numb. Not being in the outpatient program... I don't think it's a good thing. Instead of going to the groups and talking and learning... I'm eating all day and sleeping and not doing anything. Eating and sleeping all day and not crying and dealing with this... being numbed out and shoving it aside and pretending it's just another crappy day in my life... the urge to seek out help fades and the anxiety associated with seeking help increases... I start telling myself I don't really need help, see, because I'm not crying today. That's probably not right though, huh?
Not that I am having to deal with this issue at this particular moment, nor do I really think I look like hot stuff, averaging a bath about once every 10 days, but I want to be prepared should it happen... How do I fend off offers for dates or set ups or men who approach me? What is the politest, firmest thing to say? I don't do good with one liners... I find it hard to shut my mouth, so something a little longer, a two liner? Three liner? Would be better so I don't start babbling...
I guess the other indicator that I am not ok is that I absolutely do not want to date. Hence the above question. I don't want anyone close to me. The thought of being alone in a room with a man makes me very anxious. Even men I know. Even your husbands. It makes me want to back into a wall and panic. I just want to hold my arms out in front of me, straight out, and make sure they can't get any closer than arms length... and even then it is way too close. Just thinking about that makes my skin crawl. And it makes me extremely self concious of the female parts of my body. Like, I want to duct tape down my chest. Don't look at me, go away, leave me alone. Like that...
I don't know why. I think about it alot. When the bagger boy at the grocery store smiles at me, or someone holds the door open for me.... get away from me.... don't look at me... leave me alone.
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2 comments:
You have come so far in such a short time. And now you have the beautiful clean slate on which to paint a new life.
I think the anxiety around guys seems totally normal.
What if you just made yourself do one positive thing each day to look forward to...walk in the park, go to a museum, or just take a long hot shower? Do you think that might help?
You did not break up a home and a family. You can't break up something you didn't know about. Again-- you are a victim not a perpetrator.
I am married.. this isn't my first marriage. Whether other married women will admit it or not, I know the following things to be true: 1) nobody can break up a marriage other than the two who are in it; 2) no one person can steal another from someone, that person has to go willingly; 3) a marriage that is good doesn't cause someone to make up a completely different life, no matter how unstable that person may be... there is always something wrong in the marriage, or the person cheating (hiding another life) wouldn't be doing it. Someone who is happy with their life, their marriage, won't go outside it. Sure there will be times either party will be attracted to another.. that is normal, but acting on it is something else.
It is NOT your fault. You did NOT do anything wrong. You did NOT break up that family. HE DID. He is responsible for all of it. That's not to say that it is all black and white with no shades of gray... maybe his wife shares in the responsibility, maybe she doesn't. That's the gray area. BUT... and there is always a but... she 'knew' something was going on. A woman's intuition comes from knowing something is wrong... she knew something was wrong most likely because she knew there were problems in their relationship. Most women I've encountered or know would never own up to their role in their husbands infidelity, even though it does exist.
Again... not your fault. You didn't cause the problems in that marriage, and you didn't cause HIM to do the things he did and tell the lies he told. That's on him.
YOU ARE NOT THAT PERSON!!! Keep telling yourself that until you believe it. And cut yourself a little slack too... you've been traumatized, it takes time to recover.
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