Ole' Crappy's Eve

Kinda like All Hallow's Eve (Halloween) but adjusted to my own situation. Old Crappy Eve. Tomorrow I am shooting my first full wedding since this happened. I haven't had a single friend offer to come with me, despite begging many, MANY people to come with me. I am freaking out, to say the least. I cannot even begin to express how panicky and upset I feel about having to do this at ALL let alone do this without any support.

It's not like I am asking someone to come and work with me... I am asking someone to come and hang out and just BE there. And they get a free meal and get to go to a wedding. And they get cupcakes and wedding cake. Is that so terrible of a day? I am always willing to do whatever for a friend. As long as you don't ever ask me to help you move (you're going to have to dupe me into that one, and somehow my friend Cecilia somehow managed to do that the day I broke my foot. I still have no idea how she conned me), I'll do anything you ask me to do. I'm just like that. You want me to take you to the airport at 3am. Sure, no prob. I could care less. (Throws up hands.) How is it I don't know anyone that is like me?

I'm also worried about the food issue. It takes all day for me to... I don't know... get up the wherewithall? to eat. I just ate for the first time today. I had some split pea soup. Some yellow tomatoes/green peppers/avocado with a tortilla nuked in the microwave to make chips. (Just take a plain old corn tortilla and cut up into triangles [I just fold it and it breaks] and put it straight in the microwave for 2 minutes. Flip, microwave 15-30 additional seconds until crisp. No oil, nothing. 75 calories of chips. And salt free, for me anyway, too.)

So I ate today, but not until like 10pm... I am going to HAVE to eat before I go to this wedding tomorrow. I have to be there, ready to go, energized at 330pm. I don't know how i am going to do that. How am I going to get myself to eat a full meal before then? As soon as I start eating right now I start feeling sick as it is and I don't want to eat at all, even if I am hungry. I just... I can't. I open the fridge and look and it just seems disgusting. I just can't eat. I can't.

I suppose you can psychoanalyze me and say food and eating is the ONLY thing I can control right now. And maybe I am "restricting." I don't know. That is anorexic-type behavior. But I don't think I am anorexic. I think this is just part of the reactive phase of what's happened to me. Eating makes me sick.

But if I don't eat before I work, I'm going to get sick. So what do I do?

The psychologist who is supervising me in this program told me to just try and eat a little bit here and there, snacks through out the day, have some nuts... when she said that I visualized putting the nuts in my mouth and then just letting them drop out onto the table unchewed. I don't think that's going to work.

I'm getting upset just thinking about this.

Also today the psychologist said something today that really upset and bothered me and I don't know what to make of it because it doesn't make any sense to me. She said there was no realtionship because Matt wasn't really in it. I said, well it was real to me. She said, you may have thought that but a realtionship takes two people and he wasn't in it all the way.

... Matt asked me to be his girlfriend. We were together for a year and a half. If I had never found out, and we had simply broken up, I would be mourning this as I would any other break up. But, it wouldn't really be a break up? Because there was no realtionship? He told me he loved me. He wanted to spend his life with me. That I was his best friend. He told me all of the reasons he loved me and often. He held me, hugged me, kissed me and teased me and loved me like no one else ever has. Even knowing most of the truth now. Isn't that still a realtionship? I mean, I didn't just make this up in my head. I was going to marry this man... make babies with this man. Die in his arms as an old woman. I was happy. And I was going to have a very, very happy life.

But...? I don't understand. Do you agree with what she said?

I did one positive thing today... I attempted to make a ruffly camera strap cover. It didn't come out all that great, but I had to make a goal to do a fun thing in class today and I actually followed through. That's rare for me. But I did it... My friend Kristin is going to make me a whole collection. Because I said so. She is finding this out as she reads this post. Thanks!