Uneasy

Driving home from my sister's tonight I started feeling uneasy thinking about things. I swear, everything changes day to day: my feelings, my stability... I don't know, it just feels like it is ever-changing, and yet, at the same time, nothing ever changes.

What I was thinking was how Matt manipulated and toyed and used my emotions and attachment to him to his advantage. I don't like saying that, but I know it's true because I have the facts now, and there is no alternative explanation.

In October, I broke things off with Matt (it was sort of mutual, but I initiated it and he was ok with it; he agreed) because the long distance just was not working with how his schedule was at the time and how much effort he was putting in. He had to go on-shift in the middle of the conversation, and never called me back so we never wrapped things up, which was... I don't know...unnerving? Rude? Something. A week later I was working at a wedding and he texted me and told me his dad had been rushed to the hospital because he had gone numb on one side. Sounded to me like he was having another stroke. I was REALLY upset, I even told the bride at the wedding what was going on and told him as soon as the wedding was over that I would drive up to Redding if he needed my support.

I didn't hear from him for a couple of weeks and ended up combing through the obituaries to see if his dad had DIED. When I finally heard from him, after texting and calling and emailing every day, he casually said that "it was a minor concern, but it was fine."

Now knowing NONE of that was true, what was the point? To gain sympathy and attention? To which he didn't even take advantage of? To feel like I was crawling at his feet or something?

And then... him coming back in February and begging for forgivness for everything and saying all the right things, asking for support through the rough period of his appealment hearing for his job, asking me to put our issues on hold for him that night he stayed here, the first night I had seen him in a very long time and the first since we had smoothed things over. And he got me to agreed to not discuss anything... we had pizza, watched a movie and he tried to make the moves on me (which I ignored). When he was sweet talking me on the phone before the visit, he told me that he had driven down here to empty out his house and sign papers to foreclose it and he was so depressed because he had just lost his job, and his house and he felt like he had nothing because he didn't have me.

But none of that was true. NONE of it. It was pure manipulation. It had to be. There is no other explanation for it. Right?

And in addition to that, none of that was necessary either. I was waiting for him to come back... I just needed him to apologize and accept responsibility for his actions (or rather, lack of actions) and let me talk about it, and do better. I didn't need some big orchestrated song and dance to guilt me into coming back to him. What was the point?

Also, knowing there never was a appeal hearing, that was a ploy in order to spend the night at my house. Because he wanted to "drive down the night before" so he wouldn't be stressed driving 2 hours in the morning.... But really he was probably driving 15-20 minutes from his house. Or maybe he came from his office. I don't know. I don't know how he explained the longer absences from home... I mean, I just...? He spent ALOT of time with me at some points... a lot of our time was limited because his "grandparents were taking the family out to dinner in Dunsmuir to celebrate the new job as a special agent at ATF"..... and he had to leave by 4pm in order to arrive on time and get dressed and stuff... and typing that now I realize... 4pm... I bet they get home from work at 5pm. And he had to be home by then. Because he was probably supposed to be home during the day. So he had to make it look like he had been there all day. Not on a date with me, hanging out with me and fooling around with me all afternoon. Right.

What is wrong with him?