Overwhelmed

I am starting to hear comments from people that what has happened to me wasn't a big deal and I need to just get over it and move on and I should feel guilty for what I "did." (Even though I didn't know.) And I need to spend my time reflecting on "them." (You know who I am talking about.. and we are not mentioning them on this blog anymore. We are not.)

I don't want to talk about them any more. I can't. I can't handle it. The fact that they even exist is so traumtic and disturbing to me that it sends me into a tailspin.

I already feel guilty. I already blame myself. I already feel ashamed and dirty. Alone. Horrible. I just feel horrible. I always want to cry and find myself shaking in fear of what could have happened to me, or what may happen to me later, or screaming out loud. I have nightmares and startle awake scared someone is in the house.

They were cheated on. They were lied to. This is true. This is sad. But they will go to counseling and they will work things out. It is probably a big relief that it is all in the open now and there are no more secrets, and it is all onwards and upwards from here.

I let a con man into my home. This man held me in his arms and kissed me and touched me and cuddled me, He told me he was going to marry me and make babies with me. And I didn't even know his real name. I DIDNT KNOW HIS NAME.

I'm sure that I will totally be over this by morning. No biggie at all. Right?