Always on the Edge.

I am always on the edge and I just hate it.

I am down to 175 now. Slowing down on the weight loss a little and eating a bit more so that is probably a good development. Probably the only one.

Tuesday night I realized that the appointment I thought I had at Kaiser on Wednesday was actually on Thursday and I flipped out and somehow talked myself into registering for the WPPI On the Road conference, which is basically a one day sampler photography conference, which if you go to it, you get free admission to the real week long conference in Las Vegas in February, which is really expensive. I definetly couldn't afford to go to the on the road conference but the realization that I was going to be home alone all day Wednesday just sent me over the edge and I went to the darn thing. It's the first and only photography education related thing I have ever been to and the only time in my life I have ever been around other photographers, which given the length and level of my success in this career, is totally bizarre.

The day ended up being half mediocre, a little nice, and a lot horrible. I made a big effort to eat lunch and I ended up throwing all of it up in the bathroom about 10 minutes after I finished and had a stomache ache the rest of the afternoon and had a sore throat from throwing up but I didn't want to leave because I had paid so much money to be there and if I left I wouldn't get the free admission to the big conference next year. Which, I don't even know if I want to go to, but if I end up wanting to go, I don't want to pay $500 or something if I could have gone for free!

Thursday I would describe as horiffic, and I was basically forced to graduate from the daily program I have been in, which scared the bejeezus out of me because now, how am I going to get any help? I ended up having a MAJOR breakdown with the psychiatrist, and was all over the place, crying one second and begging to stay and the next (still crying) shaking my head and saying I didn't belong there and I didn't want to be there any more. I felt like a lunatic and I told her so. I did graduate from the program with the understanding the the purpose of graduation is to set me up with more specific services to actually suit the needs I have right now to handle my problems. So that made sense and what she wanted to put me in made sense too. She registered me for a once a week group therapy thing with other people from IOP who had also graduated and then a 3 month class on how to cope with distressful situations.

Well it turns out you can only go to the group thing 3 times and the class won't start for over a month and I'm on a wait list!!! So what am I supposed to do now?!

After I graduated Thursday afternoon I basically went straight into the grad therapy group, where some other lady sucked up most of the time so I left feeling really tense and then I turned around and went straight into another group! I was at Kaiser from 840am to around 530pm or 6pm!

So the last one was a "re-entry" group to go to, which was very sadly organized and the leader was supposed to teach us about depression but he clicked through the slides so fast no one could even read them and he didn't even read them aloud himself or explain them! He was just like, ok, so this one is about depression, click and this one is on suicide, click, those are hotline numbers, click, click... I am so serious. THere were approximately 50 slides and he was done with the entire presentation in less than 10 minutes. The second he walked out everyone started complaining and exclaiming to each other on what on earth that was about. For me, the information was already stuff I knew, but I wasn't exactly pleased either and the other people in the class were pretty upset because it was new information to them.

After that we each got called individually to meet with either that guy or a woman, and the woman turned out to be my regular therapist. Well, while I was waiting to be called I was sitting next to another woman from IOP and was listening and chiming in a little on a conversation two other girls in the room were having about college- they were both biochem majors and both my best friend from college and my sister were biochem, so it is something I know a little bit about. One of the girls was going on a scholarship to a school out of state and someone asked her where.. Southern Oregon University. Where Matt went to school. And I triggered. Instantly.

I had time to say it, I said to Roberta (the woman next to me from IOP) that that was where Matt went to college, and then I started to hyperventilate, cry and panic. She grabbed me and grabbed my back and made me focus on the floor and started counting out my breaths and was telling me all that stuff they told us in class... You are in this moment, nothing bad is happening to you, you are okay, no one is going to hurt you, stuff like that. I would breathe a little bit but then I would lose it, start crying really hard and either hold my breath or start doing the shallow panting/hyperventilating thing. I can't even explain how awful this crap is. It is SO HORRIBLE. Somehow, Roberta kept me out of going into a full blown panic/anxiety attack and although it took a good 15 minutes she brought me back down. If she hadn't been there I don't know what would have happened. I probably would have run out the door and been flipping out int he parking lot like a complete lunatic. I am so glad she was there.

Tomorrow I have to go to work again and although I am not as anxious as I was last weekend, I don't want to go. I don't wnat to go by myself! I wish I had friends who could just go and be with me and hang out with me during these things, even to just drop by for a little while... They don't have to stay the whole time... Them being there at all is such a comfort.

I hate being here. I don't want to be alone. I just want to run away and hide and cry and I don't know what else.

You Utahians will be glad (or maybe you won't be glad given my current state of mental health) to know that if I do go to WPPI in Vegas in February, it does look like I will have a direct ride to SLC afterwards so I can come visit! Who wants me to come cry all over them and wipe snot on their shirt like a little kid first?

:(

I also finally bucked up and called LDS Family Services for therapy, since I am obviously not going to get what I need from Kaiser anymore and I am really now starting to get into serious breakdown stage (although I seem to be good at surpressing and stuffing my feelings alot of the time too) but they are SO expensive 9$112.50 initial appointment and $75 each after that! And really, I need to be seeing someone a couple times a week right now... at a minimum... I can't afford that!( and I need a referral from the Bishop and I'm not a member and the whole thing intimidates me and I tried to just find a regular therapist and there are so many and you don't know anything about any of them until you actually book an appointment and pay the money and meet them and they are so expensive too...

I am so overwhelmed and sad and I just want to hide. :(