On finding point and purpose

I've reflected a lot the last year on what exactly "the point" is the last year. Living with intention, and "What exactly is it that makes you happy?"
"What do you want to do with your life?"
"What are the things you want to do?"

Some things I thought of were:

• traveling
• cooking and baking
• learning the guitar
• improving my foreign language skills (I know French, German and ASL fairly terribly)
• gardening and growing my own food stuffs
• being more intentional with my actions

I have reflected on the travel piece a number of times, and I try to take advantage of every holiday weekend I can. This year I have been to Australia (including the island of Tasmania), China, Olympic National Park, Mount Rainier National Park, Seattle, (car camped on that trip), Mount Lassen National Park, Yosemite National Park, Connecticut (Gilmore Girls Fan Fest! Amazing!), Asilomar (just for a conference) and I'll travel to the UK, Turkey, and eastern Europe (Poland, Hungary, Slovenia and Croatia, as well as ring in the new year in Paris this year. I want to see everything I can. 

As far as cooking, I probably am not improving much on that front, but I did become vegetarian this year, (for the 4th time), but this is the longest I have stuck with this. Tying in to that "living intentionally," idea, I have always been bothered over the idea of the treatment of animals, and the longer I go without consuming meat, the more I am overwhelmed with conviction about my decision. I never cared much about meat before, unless it was very processed so I really don't feel like I am missing out. The only thing I miss might be McDonald's and that's not that big of a deal. I can get a cheeseburger with not meat, and I still get the same experience with the fries, toy and the tiny onions, which I love! I also have found so much reward with intentionally avoiding plastic, processed food, and preparing food for myself. I eat out so much less, and get MOST of my food from the farmer's market. 

Connecting to this, I learned to bake my own sourdough this year, as well as kombucha. This eliminated my need for soda because I brew my own at home! It's so easy, very little effort and makes me feel like I am doing something good for my body and i am saving SO MUCH ALUMINUM AND WASTE! I don't feel like I am rotting my teeth or giving myself brain cancer anymore by drinking LaCroix or soda by the case load. Instead I get fruit from the farmer's market once a week, infuse it, and let it ferment. That's it!

The sourdough I was eating too much of, so I made sourdough pancakes and English muffins, and mastered mixing in nuts and herbs from the garden and when I had mastered all of that I just started giving away my loaves. It's been loads of fun, and again I am delighted in being able to maintain a project, know exactly what's going in my body and it's so much cheaper. And so much less waste. 

I've made no progress on learning the guitar or progressing with my language skills, and my garden suffered severely this year as I was off my feet for six months with my foot injury. I was in a boot and then a cast, and crutches and a scooter from March- August this year and that kept me from getting to the backyard at all. I did get tomatoes and peppers down and they are still producing. Better luck next year. I just put down radish seed. We'll see how that goes. 

I'm still alone. I struggle so much because Clifton never ceases contact and I cannot bear to let go, but I cannot move on if he is talking to me. I am more isolated than ever. I love my little house, but I don't want to live here and struggle internally so much. I am getting older and haven't moved forward with the life milestones I had hoped I had reached by now. The depression is so normalized that coming out of a spell to dysthymia was enough to terminate with my therapist. I am confused by my alternating low self esteem (which I had never experienced before), and a deep conviction of how much I like myself and my hobbies and interests and why WOULDN'T someone like me or want to date me? It's so mixed up. 

Beyond this, my weight is up again, quite a bit, and I want to get it under control and I am unsure how. Every time I have become vegetarian in the past I have gained weight, the sedentary last year due to my injury was of no help to that plight and now I find myself 36 pounds above goal weight and no progress thus far. I am doing yoga several days a week now (that's good), and my steps are up, but I'm not consistently hitting my step goal (was 8,000 but I bumped it to 10,000 today despite only hitting 2,500 today... ugh.)  and I've gone to the gym maybe 4 times since I've gotten out of the boot. 

I WANT to get back to my goal weight and I want to make progress on my life. Where do you get the motivation to do that?

I also constantly find myself seeking "something." I'm not exactly sure what it is I'm looking for... I look at etsy and instagram and pinterest but I'm not sure what it is. Maybe I'm missing the art in my life? I'm not sure. I'm seeking something, but... I have no idea what. I wish I could go back to eating chicken breasts and vegetables but I just can't bear to do it.