K and I have been hanging out since July, but I just could not figure it out because he was so hot and cold with me.
On Halloween, my friends and I went to a big law school party called 1Hell, which is a fundraiser for first year law students (1L's). It was held at a terrible little rat hole restaurant all Kalloon's, which is probably the last place in Eugene willing to take us because there is a history of law students doing serious damage (because their lives suck so bad they have to drink heavily to cope with life and then make poor choices), including doing things like peeing on the bar. Yeah, apparently that's happened the last three years. (Not this year, though, PHEW!)
I debated about dressing up as the Dean of the law school (LOL) and even got his permission to do so. But ultimately, I went as my favorite person... An In n Out employee!
At some point I went and stoof by K to talk to him and he slipped his hand around my waist... Which REALLY surprised me, but then I thought... He's really drunk. It's nothing. However, when we went to say good bye, after all of my girls were out the door, K held the door sort of half closed and then hugged me tightly and kissed me on the cheek.
I then proceeded to freak out the entire way to 1Hell.
Yes, PROGRESS, but uh... On the cheek? What does that mean? At the last football game together, I had kissed him on the cheek a couple of times (I also accidentally punched him in the face...) and there were all of these "moments" where we would stare at each other and I just kept thinking, KISS ME ALREADY. But it always felt like he was holding back. It was so confusing and I could not figure out why he was so restrained.
I remember very little of1Hell, but all of my friends were there. Connor came, my girls were there and lots of other people I knew. At some point, Skylar came up to me and said she felt the need to inform me that K and the Unicorn were definetly sleeping together and it was really obvious. I had been doing pretty good at staying away from him and ignoring him, but when she said this, I got really upset. I walked around the dance floor and he was out there dancing by himself. I tried to pass him by, but he grabbed me and pulled me out there with him.
As soon as my feet hit the dance floor, he grabbed my face with both hands, pulled me in close to him and kissed me.
...
He held my face and told me he wanted to be with me and kissed me again.
...
Because I want to keep this post G, I'm going to skip over the part where I freaked out and cried in the bathroom while Skylar was sick, and sober Chloe (she's allergic to alcohol) drove me to his house later that night bawling about how freaked out I was about him kissing me. We ended up making out at his house. Guess I didn't skip over that part.... ;)
K kissing me felt like such a relief. It also felt really natural and comfortable. While I totally flipped my lid, it did also just feel good. I was scared when I thought about all of it, but actually being together felt safe. I had so much anxiety but it was okay. As Chloe posed to me when I was on the floor of the bathroom, "Do you feel safe with him? Do you trust him? Would he EVER do anything to hurt you?" As soon as she asked me, I knew I was okay with it and that's how I ended up at his house.
That kiss on the dance floor was truly one of the most exciting and dramatic kisses of my life so far. It was such a culmination of feelings. It was really special. I won't forget it.
What sucked about this entire story is after that night... Nothing happened. We helped Sarah move into her new house the next day- all of us extremely hung over and awkward with each other, but there was no communication between him and I about the things that he had said to me. I found it kind of bizarre, but he has always been that way with me, so I just waited.
About a week later we went to an on campus concert together, got drinks, and he walked me to my car and I drove him home. At that point we still hadn't talked about anything, and I felt like I needed to force the issue because he wasn't being assertive. He had told me all this stuff that night about having feelings for me, and wanting to be with me, and yet nothing, again was happening.
Then there is this LONG AWKWARD PAUSE.
"I really don't want to jeopardize our friendship and I really don't think we should be anything other than friends."
My face, for sure, was blank. In my head however you could have heard the WTF's from a mile away.
Calmly, I said okay, and I understood, but then, with some hestation asked him WHY he had said all of that stuff at 1Hell. ...Then he asked me what exactly he had said.
Turns out he did not remember any of it. NONE of it. The only thing he remembered was me "showing up" at his house. He didn't remember that it was by his own invitation, or that he had poured out an emotiona vomit of feelings for me. Regardless of what he had said, or what he truly felt or didn't feel, he didn't want to go forward with anything.
My feelings were hurt, for sure, but, overall I think this was good. It was really difficult for me to get involved with someone at all, and this sort of panned out to a toe dipping in the water. Like a practice run, if you will. And I think the good thing about all of this is that when he says that he considers me a friend and wants to keep it that way... I actually believe him. I don't doubt at all that we will remain friends. I hope I'm not wrong on that, but I'm pretty sure he can be trusted on that.
On to the next.
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