The Bishop and some Housekeeping

Housekeeping first:

Thank you guys for the emails and the comments. You don't know how much I depend on them, especially now that I have been almost completely cut off from support from my health insurance. It's basically the only feeedback I am getting unless I am able to call the two-three girlfriends that I am able to confide in at this point, but all three tend to be difficult to reach, so really I can't thank you guys enough for being here.

If you look over on the right hand side of this screen, per your requests I have added the "Follower" widget so if you push that button you can become a follower and add my blog to your feeds on Google or Blogger.

If you're trying to find the beginning of the story, I found out about everything on August 3rd and I think the posts begin August 4th. There is a link in the "About Me" section on the right hand side or in my profile.


The Bishop next:

For the last two weeks I have been calling the Bishop for my ward (remember I am not a member of this church, but had been told that that wouldn't matter and they would be happy to help and it was part of their calling to help other people in the community, not just members) and left two messages, both of which went unanswered. I was getting pretty upset about it. To review, I was calling the Bishop in order to get the required referral to counseling through LDS Family Services, and hopefully, to have the counseling done on a sliding scale or at a reduced cost or free because I really can't afford it, but obviously I need more help than what I am getting. (And they upped my medication again...) Well my friend who lives in Utah apparently got fed up and went through her Bishop to track down mine and talked to him on my behalf and got his home number!

I called him, left a message and got a call back tonight- FINALLY! I was so relieved to finally hear from someone. Finally, I can get help! I was so shaky on the phone, and really just choked up. After awhile on the phone I gave him a brief overview on what had happened and I really started to get upset on the phone, but I managed to hold it together and not totally cry so he could understand me still but I was still all chokey, do you know what I mean?

Anyway, after all that, you know what happened? He can't help me! He said I could come into his office for 5 or 10 minutes and he could write the referal to counseling but it was expensive and I mentioned I was worried about that and he said I could try to go through my insurance, but I can't because I have Kaiser, which has it's own psychiatry department- you can't get care outside of Kaiser unless it's an emergency and you accidentally get taken to the wrong hospital. I told him that and he said well maybe he could find an LDS therapist who worked for Kaiser... totally missed the boat there. The whole point of me coming to Family Services was because Kaiser can only see me once every 6-8 WEEKS. It doesn't matter who sees me... that isn't frequently enough for what I have going on. But I can't afford $112.50 for an assessment appt and $75 each appointment after that to see an LDS counselor. I can't even afford my monthly payments on my overall health insurance, let alone the $50 copayments every OTHER month. I don't have any scheduled income for this month to pay my rent for October. I am advertising like crazy, but I can't guarantee I will bring in that money and so I will probably be pulling it out of savings. But I need help. So what do I do?

Update for this week?

Oh, it's been a very special week. Three weddings this week. Sunday on a Iris Flower Farm, Tuesday on a pier on Lake Tahoe and Today/tomorrow (it's the middle of the night now- Saturday) at a B&B type place called Wine & Roses. I have been very emotional all week. Sunday the groom sang a song he wrote for his bride... Tuesday the bride cornered me and asked me what was going on and I burst into tears in the parking lot right after the ceremony I was doing so good right until she cornered me), now what's going to happen tomorrow?!

Tuesday on the way back from Tahoe I broke up the 2 hour drive with a trek into Old Navy to check out the clearance racks and when I came out a scruffy white kid in his 20's started to approach me in the parking lot, he was looking for work, yard work, something like that. The second he started to address me my start started racing and I panicked. It didn't matter what he was saying or who he was. He scared me to death. I literally ran the last few steps to my car, was terrified that the lock mechanism on my keychain was going to unlock all of the doors and he'd be able to get in on the passenger side- that is literally what I was thinking when I was pushing the button and I waited until the last second to push it because of that, so he wouldn't have time to try and get in, or to minimize that window of time. I shoved the key in the ignition and pealed out of the lot like I was in a horror movie or something. I was scared to death. And I cried HARD not because I was sad or something, but because I was SCARED. Absolutely terrified. And the intellecutal part of my brain was thinking, "What on EARTH are you doing?!" I knew it was nuts when I was doing it, but my whole body was in overdrive. I could not get away from him fast enough. I was so scared. I can't even describe that feeling. It was horrible. HORRIBLE.

I've basically been living on turkey and cheese wonderbread sandwiches (pretend "white" [it's really wheat] wonderbread, 50 cals a slice) shaved turkey breast, 2% american, light mayo, mustard) because everything else is too overwhelming... I am sort of realizing this as I am typing it but I have been sticking to really bland foods. I have a freezer full of lean cuisines that I like and I haven't touches any of them. They seem "yucky" when I look at them. I'd rather have half a wonderbread sandwich instead.

Anyway, I was out of turkey so I had to stop at the grocery store before I went home. I had driven the rest of the way slowly on city streets for about 20 minutes so I had calmed down a bit so I went in. Grocery shopping is one of my favorite activities and I find it calming and relaxing. What's not to like about buying food?

Some clean cut Phillipino frocery clerk came around the corner on the cereal aisle and surprised me, gave me a HUGE smile, grabbed my cart, gave it a hearty smack and asked me if I was finding everything alright. Totally friendly, nice guy I am sure. What did Emily do? I jumped straight up, backed against the cereal and it took every bone in my body to prevent myself from running out of the store and into the parking lot. And I didn't want to touch the cart.

Thursday I was standing in line to check in for the grad group for group therapy and I saw the reflection of a man in a football jersey walking into the building. I started to trigger, hyperventilate, something in the mirror, in his face made me think of Matt and I swirled around and it looked nothing like him but I was SO freaked out standing in line. I stood as far away from him as I possibly could, so far so that I basically wasn't even in line, and I started shaking. His phone went off at one point and I couldn't handle it and I ran/jogged out of there. I couldn't be there. I left. I went to the group and checked myself in at the front desk afterwards. I didn't get to talk in group this week so I couldn't tell anyone about this new weird thing with men and I don't understand it. It confuses me and scares me. After group I had to ride the elevator down (my foot is still broken from walking into that couch the weekend after I found out and I'm still wearing the boot so no stairs for me) and another man from the group got into the elevator with me. I stood there for just a moment and then I dashed out of there too and stood in the bathroom trying to breathe and not panic. Same thing happened in WalMart. Had a breakdown in the chip aisle. Totally overwhwlemed by the presence of men and the loud noises and children around.

And at the same time, going to bed, I laid and there and all I wanted and wished for was for Matt to be there, and to hold me and hug me and to just BE. For everything to be okay and for everything to go away be back how it was. I would give anything to be kept innocent. Why do I have to deal with all of this? Why couldn't I have just loved him, and missed him? But I also know, because of how strong my connection was to him, that if I hadn't know, I never would have let go and I would have waited forever for him, not knowing. I had no doubts. I felt nothing but peace and utter love for our relationship. Now, I am completely lost, befuddled, confused.

My NP (Nurse practitioner) upped my anti-anxiety meds by 50mgs but we have to be careful with the dosage because it has a sedating affect. My sleep schedule is all messed up again but I don't think it's because of the medication because I take the bigger dose of that medication at night...

My dad flies in for his 50th High School Reunion tomorrow, and he wants to see me on Sunday. Honestly, I even feel anxious about being around him. Please help me make it through all of the challenges of this weekend.

By Monday my house has translated from it's current disgusting Hoarders-esque state and made spotless and at a minimum decent enough for my mom with severe rheumatoid arthritus to stay here Monday and Tuesday. I am picking her up at the airport on Monday afternoon. I'm so nervous... I had so many things planned for us to do, I wanted to cook for her, but I am not up to it... I don't want to make her go out to eat because she's on a fixed income and I'm not really in a place to treat. What am I going to do? Offer her some kitty food? We have lots of THAT...

I want my Matty. I just want my Matty to come home. I want all of this stuff to go away. I don't want to deal with it anymore. The man I knew and loved would never have hurt me. He couldn't have done this to me. How could the man that was in that house, the man that stood somewhere with that woman and took vows and was changing diapers and taking the baby to the beach for the first time.... (their desktop background) how could that person be my Matty? That was the life I was supposed to have with him. That was the life I was planning with him. I feel like my life is over again.

Did you ever know someone that just ran away? That just picked up and moved somewhere for no rhyme or reason or plan? I want to just LEAVE and not be here any more. I don't want to be around all of these reminders of him and me and us. I don't want to leave my house... I am afraid to leave my house and yet being in my house is painful because of how much time we spent here. I want to just grab the cats, walk out to my car and leave. But how do you just pick up and leave with no plan or reason or support system?

Colorado always looks so pretty in my mind. Maybe Matty will leave my mind if I go there.