The Good Girl.

In one of these posts, or maybe I just thought it... if Matt was just looking for a hook up or a "good time" why didn't he just hop on Craig's List or one of those websites for people who want that? There are a million people who could care less about whether you are married or not, or are married themselves and are looking for relationships like that. Why did he persue something with me?

I was saying this in the graduation group (group therapy) for IOP today and the guy in group (whom, coincidentally I typically find very annoying generally speaking) said, "Well that's because he didn't want that. He wanted 'the good girl.' The 'girl next door.' He wanted someone like you."

He wanted the good girl... I went on my first date when I was 21 years old. When I told Matt that, he said, you really were a good girl, weren't you?

It's funny the guy in group said that...

The lady who made that comment in group a few weeks ago, "You didn't know he had a wife and baby?" and sounded all skeptical and judgemental? Well she was in group today. Great. I slunk down in my chair when I saw her. She said a couple other things today that bugged me too. Like I said that this relationship was not based on physical stuff, it was emotionally based and she was like, "Well maybe for YOU but for him it was ALL about ---" I wanted to sock her in the nose. OBVIOUSLY it was not about that.

She did say something poignant though, believe it or not. She interupted me and the therapist, as she often does, but, she said something that I hadn't verbalized to ANYONE. I have barely even acknowledge it to myself. She asked me if I felt like a rape victim.

I do. I feel dirty. I want to scrub every part of my body he ever touched with sandpaper and soap and scrub it off my body and make it go away. My hands, my arms, my face, everything. Sometimes I long for him to be here; most of the time I feel this way, but in these moments when I am really checked in to what he did... I feel disgusting and disgusted that I was ever so close to him. I want to scrape my skin off. I think it's why the thought of being alone in a room with a man makes me so upset right now. Or even being around men in public. I think that's why.

I was also attacked as a pre-teen. Matt also knew about that... I didn't share that in group though. He knew that right from the beginning. He knew I had problems with depression, had been assaulted, and a pretty sad relationship history and was really just "looking for love." And he persued me anyway.

Anyway, I told the group that I didn't want to diminish what it feels like for an actual rape victim by comparing my feelings to that but she went on to say that I had been emotionally raped and the level of violation and fraud here justified those feelings, as they also justified the feelings of grief. All of it is really hard for me to accept. I have to keep hearing it. That it is ok for me to feel sad... that what he did was not okay... I have to keep hearing it.

I guess that woman isn't completely useless after all. Of course it was right after that that she made that other comment.

I spent a lot of time staring into space during group, so much so that the leader even commented on it and loud mouth lady asked me if I was okay. At the end when they asked us what we learned I said I felt like a Commadore 64 trying to boot up, all foggy, and I wasn't sure. The therapist took a lot of notes over that.

I sat in the bathroom hiding for awhile afterwards, as long as I could, right up until I got busted by another woman who recognized my feet because of my boot- my right foot is broken and I have to wear my gimpy boot all day. She asked if I was in there and if I was okay so I had to come out. She gave me a little pep talk while I cried and washed my hands and she kept saying something... I can't remember now. That what he did was horrible... Oh, and that he did it on purpose. That he used his job, the knowledge that he had gained from working in law enforcement to victimize someone who was vulnerable. That he picked up and played into what he knew would be attractive qualities and traits to me, experienced things I could relate to (like him being depressed, I related so I would defend and protect him to the end about that), and manipulated my experiences and background to get... whatever he wanted out of it. I can't quite remember how she said it but it sounds much harsher as I am typing it here and I don't like how it sounds typed out like this. I don't feel comfortable with how it sounds, it makes him sound like a sociopath, and I am certainly not in any position to support that diagnosis. NO WAY. Even if he is I am not ready to hear that or admit that right now.

The thing that stuck with me out of what she said though, was that he did it on purpose. He did it intentionally. He did all of it intentionally. I thought about that a lot of the afternoon and I ended up going to a pet santuary because I felt so stressed and petted orphaned kitties for an hour or so.

Her saying that probably made the first connection for me between the man I loved and the man who did this. It is a shaky connection, but it is the first connection I have had in trying to reconcile that these two completely different people really are the same person.

People in group were also really pressuring me to "take back my power." Whatever that means. In the book I am reading it says that if the liar goes without consequences that the liar never realizes the depth of his actions and never learns and continues doing what he is doing. That his whole goal is to return to the status quo and will do whatever he needs to to make that happen. So beg people for forgiveness, promise never to do it again, negociate, etc. Few days or weeks, it blows over, and he can go back to how things were. I already have the feeling that things have returned mostly to normal at home for him... that they returned to normal very quickly. If that is indeed the case... then what prevents this from happening again? In my heart and soul, I can't believe the man I love did this to me, let alone that he would do this to someone else, but at some point I will have to accept what happened... and then what?

The therapist and the people in group said I should consult an attorney. I don't want to hurt his family. They have already been hurt. But as it was told to me, by standing by him, and supporting him, they are also choosing to accept the consequences of his actions as they come. And this would be part of that. I don't know. Again, I want to do the right thing. When the therapist talked today about just how appauling the whole situation was , I heard it through someone else's ears for the first time. And letting it go doesn't seem right. But I still feel really confused and drowning in my feelings... I'm starting to feel a little betrayed today. My heart hurts.