Okay, I am going to say a few words because as you should all know by now, I have difficulty hushing myself up.
On Sunday one of my clients who had gotten wind that I was having a hard time of sorts took pity of me and offered to cancel their session until things were looking better. I majorly hesitated but I accepted and after a ton of debating I gave myself permission to go on a roadtrip at 3 in the afternoon to Apple Hill, which is a place around here in the mountains where everyone goes to pick apples, go to a little festival, get local produce, lots of good snacks, kettle corn, spicy pickles, pies, arts and crafts, carmel apples, pies, etc. They closed at 5pm and it was an hour drive so you can see I stalled for a long time, but I went anyway and brought home some apple cider donuts, among other things.
I also did something the therapists have been yakking at me to do for weeks: practicing "mindfullness." Basically, give yourself a mental break, clear your head of thoughts and just take in the present moment. So when the parking lot at High Hill Ranch started clearing out and I had gotten the last apple cider milkshake before the shoppe closed (with carmel, oh my, when you don't want to eat anything, this place really helps!), I wandered out into the apple orchard, looked around to make sure I didn't have any witnesses who were going to yell at me and I just laid down and tried to take some deep breaths for awhile.
Honestly, that is seriously hard for me right now. I don't feel safe enough to relax. I am so tense and on edge, I am afraid something will happen if I am not always prepared. But being alone in the orchard, after sucking down my milkshake, laying in the grass, and focusing seriously hard for like half an hour, I think I got my mind off of it for like a minute and a half to maybe as long as three minutes. Which is like a record. I wished I didn't have to leave.
I want to go back!
For the purposes of documentation so you all can make fun of me and possibly gag up your breakfasts (just trying to help out the dieters!), I'm bathing once a week pretty regularly now because I have to for work- I went to one or two weddings with greasy filthy hair that hadn't been washed in a couple of weeks, but now I'm trying to commit to bathing before each wedding. I'm still mostly just eating turkey sandwiches on smart wonderbread (looks like white but it's wheat and is 50 cals a slice), but the last two days I branched out and had angel hair with marinara. I am not struggling with eating dessert so much anymore... cough cough.... but my weight is still coming down, but it has slowed down a lot, which is good, and I am much more comfortable with the rate now. It is not scary fast weight loss like it was. Even though I am not counting calories or anything and this is more of a problem- I am not eating enough- I am still a bit overweight so I am not as stressed about it as I was, so I am just keeping monitoring it. My hair also seems to be falling out. This has happened to me before when I've been really stressed, it always comes out at the same spots at my temples, so I look like a balding man. It's extremely attractive. My forehead seems scary huge in the below photo. Another extremely attractive quality to add to the greasy baldy hair and body acne I am now developing probably from not bathing. Did I mention that?
On Sunday one of my clients who had gotten wind that I was having a hard time of sorts took pity of me and offered to cancel their session until things were looking better. I majorly hesitated but I accepted and after a ton of debating I gave myself permission to go on a roadtrip at 3 in the afternoon to Apple Hill, which is a place around here in the mountains where everyone goes to pick apples, go to a little festival, get local produce, lots of good snacks, kettle corn, spicy pickles, pies, arts and crafts, carmel apples, pies, etc. They closed at 5pm and it was an hour drive so you can see I stalled for a long time, but I went anyway and brought home some apple cider donuts, among other things.
I also did something the therapists have been yakking at me to do for weeks: practicing "mindfullness." Basically, give yourself a mental break, clear your head of thoughts and just take in the present moment. So when the parking lot at High Hill Ranch started clearing out and I had gotten the last apple cider milkshake before the shoppe closed (with carmel, oh my, when you don't want to eat anything, this place really helps!), I wandered out into the apple orchard, looked around to make sure I didn't have any witnesses who were going to yell at me and I just laid down and tried to take some deep breaths for awhile.
Honestly, that is seriously hard for me right now. I don't feel safe enough to relax. I am so tense and on edge, I am afraid something will happen if I am not always prepared. But being alone in the orchard, after sucking down my milkshake, laying in the grass, and focusing seriously hard for like half an hour, I think I got my mind off of it for like a minute and a half to maybe as long as three minutes. Which is like a record. I wished I didn't have to leave.
I want to go back!
For the purposes of documentation so you all can make fun of me and possibly gag up your breakfasts (just trying to help out the dieters!), I'm bathing once a week pretty regularly now because I have to for work- I went to one or two weddings with greasy filthy hair that hadn't been washed in a couple of weeks, but now I'm trying to commit to bathing before each wedding. I'm still mostly just eating turkey sandwiches on smart wonderbread (looks like white but it's wheat and is 50 cals a slice), but the last two days I branched out and had angel hair with marinara. I am not struggling with eating dessert so much anymore... cough cough.... but my weight is still coming down, but it has slowed down a lot, which is good, and I am much more comfortable with the rate now. It is not scary fast weight loss like it was. Even though I am not counting calories or anything and this is more of a problem- I am not eating enough- I am still a bit overweight so I am not as stressed about it as I was, so I am just keeping monitoring it. My hair also seems to be falling out. This has happened to me before when I've been really stressed, it always comes out at the same spots at my temples, so I look like a balding man. It's extremely attractive. My forehead seems scary huge in the below photo. Another extremely attractive quality to add to the greasy baldy hair and body acne I am now developing probably from not bathing. Did I mention that?
6 comments:
Well, the orchard looks very serene! You picked a great spot to destress, if only for a moment!
I don't know wha you are or went through, but you really have to think of YOURSELF! If you need to gain some weight, try drinking Ensure. It's not just for the geriatric society. My son who was in a car accident and had his jaw wired closed drank this for a month and gained 10 pounds and enjoyed the taste. Make milkshakes with ice cream and Ensure! Add a banana or peanut butter for vitamins and protein!
Have you seen a counselor? Like I said I don't know what you're going through, but there is help out there!
I have not been to Apple Hill since I was a little kid, what a cool place! I LOVE those orchard pics, especially the second one. It would look great matted and framed and hung in my kitchen, since it's painted apple green! I want to go there!
If you want to go back there, then go back! If you get any peace at all there, then go! And please please drink another apple cider shake(for me, sounds sooo good).
-allison
For anyone new stopping by, you can make sense of my story by reading the "about me" section on the top right side of the sidebar. There is a link to the first post where stuff started happening.
Thanks.
A minute & a half is a start at least. I can't relate to your particular situation, but I do know how hard it is to be in a very dark place because of betrayal from someone you trusted completely. It's terrible, & I'm sorry to hear that you're going through it.
You deserve the you time - so bath weekly, wash your hair only for weddings & live off of milkshakes...but maybe add the Ensure (I work in a nursing home, & we give them to people who refuse to eat. It works).
Be strong. It will get better, even though it doesn't feel that way now.
love the pictures. i am copying you and doing a wordless wednesday. hope you don't mind. ;-)
Hi I am Nicole from ColiesKitchen.com I found you on a blog hop and wanted to drop by and say hi. I really like your blog, and am now a new follower. I would love to have you stop by Colie’s Kitchen if you get a chance.
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