I lied to his wife.

I lied to his wife. That day I was over there. Why did I do that?

She asked me if it was still going on, and as if by reflex I instantly said "No." Then I said, "Well, it ended today."

But that wasn't true either. It was going on. We were together; we were a couple. We were arguing that morning, that was all. He wasn't breaking up with me. He was picking a fight and trying to get distance from me, but he was making a point to leave it open so he could come right back and pick things up again where he left them when he wanted to.

Why couldn't I just say that? I feel ashamed I didn't.

On the one hand, I wanted to protect her and it would hurt her more to know that. Also, when "caught," the first instinct is always to lie. Even though I had no part in this, I didn't know... My first impulse was to lie, and then, well, I guess she got some version of the truth. Our relationship did end that day. But it ended because I walked up to that door and rang the bell. Not because he and I ended our relationship. It ended because I caught him. He didn't end this relationship by choice.

She also asked me "What kind of texting" did we do. Which I didn't understand what she was asking at first, but when I realized the question immediately prior to this was whether Matt and I being in a long distance relationship meant we had been meeting up in hotel rooms (Um, NO.) then I realized she was asking if we had done suggestive, flirty texting. My response to that was, "You know, the regular kind of texting, "Hi ,How are you, I miss you, I love you, when are you coming down to visit?" But after I left I realized that wasn't 100% honest either. We were in love. We made out like animals, from day 1. We were crazy about each other. Every time Matt was around me, he basically gave me a little "salute" every time he saw me. (You know what I mean! I didn't know about this for a LONG time, but this spring he actually mentioned it to me as a complaint and then I thought it was pretty funny and started asking him about it.) I'd open the front door and Voila. We go to Starbucks and Voila. We walk home and he holds my hand and Voila. Anyway, yes, our texting was flirty and suggestive too. So I lied there too.

And I feel guilty and I feel like I have to confess. A few posts ago I mentioned some things I said I felt like I had this drive to tell his wife, and these were a couple things in that list. (There are much bigger more serious things on it though.) That urge is not an urge anymore, but these thoughts still pop into my head and bother me though.

Something else that bothers me? When Matt contacted me through Yahoo Personals, he had a paid account, right? I had a free account. When you have a free account, you can send automated messages through the service but you can't send another user your contact info unless you pay for your subscription. So, the people that use the service alot and have learned the ropes know that if they message someone who sends an automated wink back or something back a couple of times and no personal messages... they probably don't have a paying account. The person with the paying account, if they are clever, and have probably seen this done a few times, will then try to sneak their email address practically in code into their email. If the screeners for Yahoo see an email address they will block it out, so you have to hide it so they don't catch it.

Matt did that almost right away. I was thinking about that earlier today or yesterday. In order to know to do that... He would have had to have had experience on the website. He might have met his wife on there, who knows, so I shouldn't jump to conclusions, but if they met at least five years ago, and he and I started communicating in January/February 2009.... I think it's likely Yahoo has changed quite a bit from back then to now. That bothered me too. But I don't know.

How could the person I let into my life, into my home and family, who I trusted more than anyone else on this planet... the person I trusted with my most precious posession, my heart, have become this person? All of that love I felt and feel. I don't understand. He's the person I want to go to for comfort, ironically... when I feel alone and scared... I picture him standing here in my living room and he hugs me and I just bury my face into his chest and I am just enveloped by him. I never felt so protected or so safe as I did when I was there. A hug and a deep breath and he could calm all of my fears.

Was it all an act? I wish I could know if he loved me. If he cared about me at all. My feelings come in waves... many days where I feel secure in his love for me, and now, where I stand on shaky ground and feel so manipulated. Like it was a big game. I was a toy. But that is so difficult to believe that I just can't.