Meet me on Monday

Blog Hoppin' from Java's Never Growing Old Blog


No pictures this week. I'm too tired. My Dad was here for his 50th High School reunion on the weekend and he force fed me ice cream and sorbet yesterday and my mom is flying in today and I have to clean my whole house and make it look like a depressed person who hasn't taken out the trash in a month hasn't been living here; that really a more normal person has. So mean.


1. What is your favorite pasta dish?

Pumpkin stuffed Tortellini, or I love the Old Spaghetti Factory's Spinach Tortellini with Alfredo and some Romano on top. It has 50 grams of fat. I can't remember the last time I ate it, but oh, it was good.

2. What is the last thing you do before going to bed?

Lately, I turn the little lamp on on my sewing desk as bright as it will go and I stare out the window or space out at the walls. I finished the book, "When your Lover Lies," but I can't read "How could you do this to me" because it's too upsetting, so I don't know what to read. I have been reading bits and pieces of the "The Language of Letting Go" if I am feeling really anxious before bed. Pitiful.

Sometimes I also try to hold the cat(s) hostage under the blankets.

3. How many nights a week do you go out to eat?

Since money has been so tight I haven't been eating out at all. :( And now I am getting really freaked out about being out in public because I am getting freaked out about being around men. My mom want to take me out for a special dinner tonight but I am so anxious about being around other people and having order something that I will actually have to eat, and then the realization that restaurants don't have bland food and I can't have a wonder bread sandwich (am I a freak or WHAT????) is making me VERY ANXIOUS!


4. Are you an avid book reader?

Before law school I was. Reading 500+ pages a week killed that urge.

5. Would you rather have x-ray vision or bionic hearing?

I'm thinking Java's comment about eavesdropping sounded pretty good, and I'll go with the bionic hearing because I would like to know what is going on at Matt's house right now and the last 24 hours I have seriously begun to worry and wonder if he was beginning to pursue other people this spring. He hates to take pictures of himself and I was always begging him for pictures and randomly this spring he sent me one- to my delight and shock- I asked him why he sent it and he said he just felt like it. But reflecting on months of begging asking him to take one, I wonder if he was taking it for another reason.

I'll take the bionic hearing.



I think the medication is really starting to work... but last night I was having all of these crazy urges to just stop taking all of it. I've never really felt like that before, and I think people who do that kind of thing are so stupid. But, it's working so well I feel like I can't FEEL right now. Not today, not yesterday. And I want to FEEL. Why, I have no idea, because it was the most miserable experience I could possibly go through... but I don't know, maybe I just want to feel it again to make sure it was really real. Does that make sense? Logically, if it took this much medication to make me feel "normal" (come on now, is this really a normal state of being anyway? I can't go out in public and I'm afraid of men, police sirens and want to duct tape down my chest.) then most likely I really am in a lot of pain.

I feel like I am making no sense. I want to cry. I want him to come home. I carry his shirt around with me all through my house. I think about him constantly. I miss him. Sometimes I feel a little angry and upset, how manipulative he was, how much he lied to me, how he lied to EVERYONE, how he must have laughed to his buddies about his girl on the side, he could just take advantage of me and I would just take it because I felt so sorry for him and his sob story. I'd just fall at his feet and believe every word he said.

But... I did those things and acted that way because I believed I was in a healthy, loving relationship with a man who loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and was just going through an unfortunately rough time in his life. I just needed to be supportive and hang in there until he got back on his feet and it was time for "us" again. And I think of how I loved him and how I had never been happier in any relationship or in any other time in my life. How secure and loved I felt when he was here and how much I was looking forward to our future and our plans together. How I loved how I saw myself in his eyes. what a wonderful, caring man who treasured me and would never hurt me.

And I feel lost again.