Angry.

But not for the reason you think.

Once again, I got attacked by one of my "friends" because I still have pictures of Matt and I together on Facebook. She said, and I quote, that it was "sick."

I told her if she couldn't refrain from being rude or nasty when speaking then she needed to not say anything at all. She didn't answer; didn't acknowledge it.

I don't care about the context or how she "meant" it to be intrepreted. She essentially called me sick. She knows better. She is a divorced adult with adult children. She knows better. And she called me and my choices sick. What is wrong with her? I think that is just mean! I object to people saying anything at all, but if she was going to butt in, that was a totally inappropriate way to do it. And ineffective I might add. It makes me want to tattoo that picture on my forehead and stand on her front porch so she can stare at it or something! Do you know what I mean? When I take it down I want to do it because *I* am ready and because *I* chose to! Not because someone dictaited orders to me.

I am mad and I keep getting more upset about it. It happened last night.

Yesterday afternoon I played with the idea of taking down the pictures, or at least changing my profile picture. MOST of the people in my life have no idea what happened. MOST people don't even know anything happened at all and think we are still together. The people that matter know, and that's really all that matters anyway... it's not really any one else's business. I wouldn't typically say something like that, I am really open. But given these particular circumstances, I don't want it known to everyone I know in the real world. It's humilating, and again, I can't deal with questions right now. The questions and comments of the important people in my life have been awful enough. Being ignored entirely by people I thought were my closest friends is equally bad.

I love him, I miss him and I feel like a part of me died too. I lost yet another part of my innocence by now becoming more skeptical and less trusting of people in the future. Of now becoming frightened and further intimidated by men... things won't be the same for me. I will have to carry this on my heart for a long time. It will always be there but I pray the burden will be lightened over time. I hope. Right now the constant pressure in my chest from the anxiety and upset and constant verge of hysteria is exhausting and horrible. I want it to go away and stop. And then I hear a siren or a loud noise that doesn't stop and I am triggered and there I am in that house again and not able to escape and scared out of my mind.

I HATE this. I can't tell you how much I hate this. I say that with tears runnning down my face and an exhausted body falling out of this chair; afraid to go to bed, and not able to do anything during the day because I am so paralyzed of what might happen if I do something. If I'm triggered. Or worse, my real fear. That I will see them. Or him. I saw three CHP patrol cars on the freeway on Thursday and I about smashed into the center divider each time I saw them. Luckily I was in stop and go traffic so I was pretty well protected. I feel afraid all the time. I don't know where he works.. So I don't know how to avoid him. I feel like I can't protect myself and I also feel like I can't trust myself or make my own decisions... I feel incompetent.

I am afraid of that man, that husband, that man in uniform. But I cry for my Matty to come home and for everything to go back to normal. I want to be loved, I want to be in love again and feel protected and secure and happy in that relationship that was so at peace and delighted to be in.

Why do I have to deal with this?

Driving to my appointment to check up on my medications with the NP I started freaking out, crying and talking loudly, not quite yelling, at myself in the car. WHY did this happen to me? WHY do I have to deal with this? WHY ME? Why did he pick me? Why do I have to do this? I don't want to DEAL with this! It isn't fair. I don't want to deal with this. Why can't I just have a normal break up like everybody else?! Why did yet another bad thing happen to me? Why did this happen to me?! WHY?!

The NP blocked off a big chunk of time to talk to me which is really unusual. I think the most amount of time I have ever had with her was 20 minutes and I am pretty sure this went over an hour. She said that when someone goes through IOP the entire psychiatry department works as a team to coordinate and moniter my care, because, essentially, I am considered high risk. I can't really disagree with her on that.

She had read all of the notes in my file and knew everything that had happened so I could talk about it without actually having to tell the story which was a huge relief. She talked to me about PTSD- Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which no one had actually talked to me about yet. In fact, no one has ever told me what I was ever diagnosed with so I really don't know. I will see the therapist in another week and I will try and ask her then. I myself had wondered about PTSD because I have flashbacks and panic attacks and of course the constant anxiety, but I'm not a medical health professional so I am obviously not qualified to diagnose myself.

She also told me that part of my "fogginess" may be attributed to the fact I've struggled with eating and drinking. She said both low blood sugar and dehydration can cause that slowness in thought so I needed to try harder to regulate my blood sugar and intake more water so I don't become hypoglycemic. This woman is extremely hyperactive but she is so knowledgeable. She pins things down before you even finish explaining the situation. (Practically).

Didn't say this before but I did call the Bishop for the LDS church to ask for a referral for counseling and apparently he might be able to adjust the cost to something I can afford. I called on Wednesday and left a message but no one has called me yet so I am still waiting.

I took a bath today for the first time today in over a week. It was VERY difficult to get out the tangles in my hair. I curled and hairsprayed my hair for that wedding last week and it apparently turned into a big rat's nest. I literally pulled out chunks of my hair... My hair also falls out when I am stressed so I guess I will be bald soon. I had to put so much conditioner in my hair to get out the knots that now it feels super greasy... sigh... I am going to have to wash it before my next wedding tomorrow. :(

I have weddings on Sunday, Tuesday and Saturday. Then my Dad comes in for his 50th HS reunion and then my mom comes to visit during the week... she's staying here so I have to clean my house. Can you imagine what my house looks like at this point? I look like a candidate for "Hoarders" I don't know how I am ever going to make it through the next week.

I'm tired. Confused. Lonely. Lost.

Sigh.

When I started eating again I gained just under 2 pounds right away so I stopped weighing myself so much, but I started struggling again with eating earlier this week so I stepped on the scale today- I thought it would still be up. I was 175 at the lowest and bounced up to 176.8 as soon as I started eating better. But when I checked my weight it was only 174.8. On the one hand it pleases me and on the other hand it's a problem. If I worry about it, I feel silly because I'm overweight, and if I feel pleased I feel guilty because it's not healthy. (Throws up hands.)