Made a Big Boo Boo

I posted the link to my blog on my Facebook account for a couple of hours... and I blocked a number of people from seeing my wall and updates, but not everybody... and, well, since nobody responded to the post I wrote, I thought that nobody saw the link and so I deleted it.

Then some people have casually brought this blog up in conversation.  And, the hits on this blog spiked by 300%.

COUGH, COUGH, HACK, HACK.

I think I'm going to die.

I don't know how ready I am for people to know everything that happened this last year. I mean, I posted the link. I asked for it. I started trying to tell people beyond the like, 10 that knew the whole story, but the ones I started confiding in didn't respond in ways I expected or hoped- like the confidential email I sent someone who never responded or acknowledged it, and when I checked in to make sure they got it, all they said was they had and that they were busy. (Um, okay....? Thanks for the support?) 

It makes me feel really vulnerable and revisit those feelings of right after everything happened and I told one of my best friends and she promptly disappeared from my life. Literally. I broke my foot a few days after I went to the house by walking into a couch at a friend's house while essentially being babysat until I could start the outpatient program at Kaiser because of all this. That "best friend" ding dong ditched crutches on my porch and has never been seen or heard from again. She heard what Matt did to me, made some nasty, snide comments, and POOF'd from my life. I've called, texted, sent her a holiday card... I have no idea what happened. I guess that saying "You find out who your friends are" holds true... I didn't think it would happen to me though. Of course, I didn't think any of this would. I never thought I'd live a day of my life without Matt. I thought he never would, and never could, hurt me. I was wrong.

Posting that link, I'm afraid it's going to put me at risk for more of those things happening and it scares me. I cannot handle the lack of support. I lost the most important person in my life- my partner, and people need to recognize that part of it first and foremost before anything else. I have spent unbelievable amounts of time trying to cope with comments other people have made about him, and not dealing with the situation itself, or taking care of myself and that's not helpful.

I am terrified of not being able to control who finds out. So far, the people who have found out are people I specifically told. If I told someone, I told them individually. Not their spouse, not their friend, I told them individually and told them not to repeat it. That has been honored up to this point. The majority of followers of this blog are not people I know in real life and I take enormous comfort in that. The clients of my business predominately do not know. One or two who were around when it happened know, but that's it. The rest have vague bits of information that I lost Matt but they don't know how or why. Some think he died, others that we  broke up. If they ask, I don't clarify, and simply say it's too upsetting to talk about, because it is. I can't have a professional relationship with my clients if they know I have a panic attack when I go to the grocery store. If I'm in work mode, I'm in work mode, and I can do it and it's fine. But if I shift gears into the victim that I have been for the last year, I can't function, and I can't let that shift happen while I'm with clients. I don't know if I'd be able to stop myself from shutting down if that shift started.

I have come a long way, but I don't know if I'm ready for this level of openness, because there's a level of vulnerability that will go hand in hand with it. If people I know in real life know what happened, then inevitably, they will tell other people that I know... people I didn't choose to tell. Who may make judgements about things they don't know about or understand, or when they don't know the full story. I am terrified of being judged. I didn't know... I didn't know the truth about Matt, any of it, until the day I found out, and the day I exposed him. But that didn't stop some woman in group therapy from accusatorily saying to me, "And you DIDN'T know he was married with a baby?" in a nasty tone... I'm afraid someone I know will say or think something like that about me. Or take her or their side. But I didn't know... I didn't know... I never knew, and when I knew.. I told. And I'm not the one whose allowing my child to be raised by someone who is so disrespectful to women... a criminal...who committed forgery, committed identity theft, ... I'm not someone who is overall teaching their daughter that it's okay to be in an emotionally and verbally abusive marriage (with HER [wife] being the verball abuser) and that it's okay to be cheated on. That THAT is a good example to provide and live.

When I told her she already knew. She had confronted him multiple times. Me, I never suspected a thing until the day it all unraveled. He cheated on her for half their marriage. He and I started dating when their daughter was 10 days old. We said our "I love you's" right after their wedding anniversary. She knows all of those facts. WHY would you stay in a marriage like that? What kind of a marriage IS that? The day after the house (the day I went to their house and told her her had been living a double life) we emailed and she told me she was "still so in love with her husband" and that "she got married for forever, not just a little while." How long do you think HE got married for? You took vows... How quickly did he break his? What kind of a marriage do you HAVE? You don't have one! You don't have honesty, fidelity, love, honor... what the hell is there? I would NEVER stay in that relationship, and I would not want my daughter to think that it was okay for a man to ever treat me or another woman- even if it was the "other woman"- like that! It's not okay to tell another woman you're another man, with a fake life- fake parents- fake home, fake job--- what the hell?
At the same time, I understand why you would want to stay... but I would never, ever make that choice. Especially with a child, and most certainly not with a daughter to set an example for.

Despite all of those things, some people want to demonize me, make those two- Matt and his wife- the innocent parties in this? Huh? Like I had anything to do with making the situation what it was? I AM the victim, and it is okay that I am the victim. His wife should have been one too, but she chose to stay in the disfunctional relationship and there are going to be penalities she's going to suffer because of that. I was very uncomfortable in persuing any type of action against Matt because of her- I did not want her to be affected, but what I was told at therapy, in outpatient, group... when she chose to stay with him, she also chose to suffer the consequences of his actions right along with him, and she was entitled to make that choice. So let her. That's what she wanted.  I've called over 30 law firms at this point. I've been told to go to WEAVE and VIVA for help. I'm not the bad guy in this, I'm the victim, and that's okay. And no matter what people say to me, I have to hold on to the facts of what happened, and that is, I was a victim. And this was not my fault.



I am so incredibly afraid of not being supported. My family did not stand up for me and was not there for me after it happened... I can't take any more hurt. Especially right now, when I am finally trying to take back my life.