Everytime I missed him, I would watch the show. Early on in our dating he commented people often said he looked like Jack and that he used to do the "Jack-2000!" impression thing. I hadn't noticed it at all before, but once he said it, I kind of cocked my head to the side (much like my beagle) and totally saw it. Matt was so soft spoken and gentle with me and the way he laughed, he could totally be feminine about it- but in a FUNNY way. He wasn't girly, but, I don't know, what was it they said on FRIENDS? That Chandler just had a "quality" about him that made everyone think he was gay? Well I NEVER thought Matt was gay, never, never, never, but he did have that "quality" of... something. He could totally be Jack. lol But not in a bad way, in a sweet way. He would do a Jack impression and it was just, LOL, it was adorable. So when I look at Jack being ridiculously flamboyant... I think of Matty. (He was very manly to me too, he just had... a quality... lol.)
And right now, I just miss him and I feel like I am missing out on our relationship. Right now, in this moment, I don't hear any of the bad things he did. They are just gone, POOF'ed out of my head. All I hear and see and remember is this sweet, gentle, loving man who took care of me and loved me. He would wrap me in his arms and I would bury my head in the middle of his chest and he would ask me how my day was. And it was better because he was in it. My life was better with him in it. And it has been worse with him absent from it. And I know, that yes, knowing the truth has saved me, saved my life; my life will be better in the long run and while it has not been good this last year, it should, theorhetically, get better from here on out. But I don't feel that tonight. Tonight I just miss my partner. I want our life back, and our dreams back.
I want him to come home.
1 comment:
Even though I haven't gone through any of what you have recently...I think I understand the feelings. The longing to be with the person you thought they were.
I feel that way living with my husband right now (soon to be ex husband). Although, it might as well be like we're living a million miles apart. He's nothing like who I thought he was years ago. And I can barely manage to keep going some days.
My thoughts are with you.
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