At least I have choices.

I'm starting to hear back from graduate schools and the results haven't exactly been what I was hoping for. Don't get me wrong. It's great. I GOT IN. That is Freaking Awesome. Capital F, Capital A. And I got into more than one school. I have choices. That's even more amazing.

But I made a huge mistake. I got my heart set on one school and I got waitlisted.  Never get your heart set on a particular school. Big mistake.

That happened once when I applied to law school too, and I waited until the week before school started and I never heard a peep from them again. Nothing. Nadda.

University of Oregon waitlisted me, and I keep asking myself "Why?" What did I do wrong? I should have re-taken the GRE. They told me my score was fine. I shouldn't have gone by what the office said. I had way too much to overcome in my application and they probably hadn't reviewed it yet. They probably didn't realized how many deficiencies I had. Or maybe I blew the interview. Maybe there were trick questions. Maybe I didn't have the right answers. Maybe it was because I missed the phone call the first time around and had to call him back. What did I do wrong? I got into fancier schools, why not U of O? They even told me they are going to have a bigger class this year. Why not me?

I got the letter and I cried and cried and cried. I really wanted to go. If I had gotten an acceptance letter I would have dove out the front door with my bags packed and fled for the border right then!

Part of me thinks, well, if you do get in later, you'll really appreciate it.

And part of me thinks, maybe there's a reason you didn't get in. But I feel like I'm trying to convince myself. I really feel like it was the best fit for me and I don't know what to do now. I want to succeed at my new school and I am terrified I won't somewhere else. I don't want to fail. I'm totally freaked out. And literally have no idea where I should go. NO IDEA. There are bad things (and good things) about all of the remaining schools and I haven't heard from all of them yet. I am very nervous and anxious and worried.

U of O said I could send it one more recommendation letter to help my cause. I've already sent in FOUR. (Again, what have I done wrong?) What I know is lacking in my file is academic recommendations because I am a non-traditional student. I've been out of school a long time and been working in other fields. This is supposed to make me desirable though, not undesirable. But it also makes things like recommendation letters hard to come by. Only one out of those 4 letters was truly an academic reference.

I am still friends with a professor from my freshman year of collage-12 years ago. But she wrote one of my law school reference letters and I hesitate to ask her for another again. What do you think? It's only one letter, but she already did so much, and I did not succeed in law school. I failed, I didn't live up to the expectations she said I would in the first letter she wrote for me. I was a failure. It feels shameful to ask her again. It's been six years since she wrote me that letter but I still feel very embarrassed and not really right about it. Also, it would be short notice.

Here are the results of my applications so far, and the tuition rates for the schools I applied to, which has been a major source of anxiety for me. My FAFSA came back with a loan for only $20,500. Money is going to be a HUGE issue. I am not making it now. Moving somewhere expensive, going to an expensive school.... all huge problems. Schools are ranked in order of cost. The lower number is in-state tuition, which most of those numbers are wrong and the higher/second number is out of state tuition, which is mostly correct.

What do you think?