My mom called me as soon as she opened it and because she loved it so much. She said it was probably her most favorite piece of clothing she had ever received as a gift (I almost believe her- she wanted my jacket, and then described exactly what she liked about mine, and I took that as a mental list when I went to find her her own, in a color she'd like better). It is light gray, jersey knit, empire waisted with two buttons at the top and tiny little ruffles around the seams, made by Tulle, which is one of my favorite brands for coats. Nordstrom Rack is the best place to buy those!
Anyway, I was apologizing for once again being late (she got her Christmas gift in April, and her birthday was June 4th, my sister's May 28th), and wondering why I was so bad at this, and she said never mind, she "knew me" by now that I was the disorganized child. Then we reminisced about some things that had happened to me in the past- me texting my parents from Eurpe saying I'd cut my foot open and my dad calmly giving advice and my mom flipping out, and me getting lost for hours in the Paris suburbs, and my car always being a mess, and my room always a mess, and always losing homework, and, and and... On and on, my mom said if her life was always that chaotic that she just couldn't handle it! I said, well, neither can I, I'm medicated! And we laughed! (Because obviously, I am medicated because of Matt and the PTSD, but it was funny).
But that led the conversation around to something else...
Read this:
- fails to give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes
- has difficulty keeping up attention on tasks
- does not seem to listen when spoken to directly
- doesn’t follow through or fails to finish tasks
- has difficulty organizing tasks
- doesn’t do well with tasks that require sustained mental effort
- loses things
- is easily distracted
- is forgetful
The six symptoms must…
- be present often
- have been present for at least six months
- cause significant problems in functioning
I just don't even know what to think. I know when I was about 3rd grade my teacher thought something was wrong with me and sent me off for testing, and then my mom sent me to a psychologist. My mom wondered if I was ADD, but no one diagnosed me with anything and I went on my merry way. I only ever excelled in subjects I liked and that was true through college. I had to work really hard at those subjects to just pass, and not at all at subjects I liked. I procrastinate at everything, and keep track of everything in my head, with mixed success. I forget to do things, and client deadlines sometimes slip away from me unless I finish them really early- or if I mostly finish them early then I'll forget there's anything left to do. Then this:
"People suffering from ADD often feel unfairly nagged by those around them and sometimes become defensive, even defiant, when confronted with their performance problems."
ALWAYS!
You bring up something ONCE that I know I need to do and I feel exasperated. You bring it up twice and I want to scream. Or is that just me, nagging myself? Maybe that's normal?
Affected individuals have serious problems in one or more of the following areas:
* screening out distractions and keeping focused while talking, working, or playing
* starting and completing tasks
* remembering tasks, events, and plans
* organizing information and belongings
* being on time
* keeping priorities in order
* focusing on important tasks rather than low priority but interesting ones
* fulfilling their obligations on time
And yet the thought of being ADD... as I stood in the shower tonight, I felt like my IQ lowered about 10 points. (All the kids in elementary school who had ADD couldn't spell, got bad grades and misbehaved constantly. It has a negative connotation for me. [No offense to anyone who is, or has a child who is, I'm just repeating my rush of upset thoughts here. I don't really think you or your child are less intelligent if they have ADD- that's stupid.] And adults who say they have it, I don't know if they are using it as an expression of speech, or if they are talking clinically diagnosed.)
Then I wanted to cry. How come my three siblings have perfect eyesight, pretty successful lives (ok, one sibling took a serious detour on the substance abuse train, but anyway), are not depressed, do not see therapists, are in successful relationships (at least *they* think they are), don't have anxiety disorders, and certainly don't have ADD??? What is wrong with me? Why am I the broken one?
Am I becoming a hypochondriac now? Because I'm starting to feel like one! Except... the symptoms fit!
Please don't tell anyone... I'm embarrassed... I don't want to be ADD! I liked it better when I was just a slob and hoarder and a procrastinator and disorganized!
(smack head on desk)
Maybe this is why I always liked the idea of having a boss instead of working for myself... At home, I have to set limits, guidelines and boundaries and it makes all of these things WORSE. If I'm in a controlled environment where I get watched, I do better.... Maybe. But the whole time I was talking to my mom I kept thinking about when I worked for that tax firm and had to re-do these 1099 forms about at least half a dozen times because I kept rushing through it and not paying attention and there were literally DOZENS of stupid little mistakes... had the same issue with math class... Whole problem would be wrong from carelessness... I can still remember the teacher or my dad using that exact word...
Seriously?
I'm also a tad sensitive at the moment. I ran out of my anxiety medication, re-started it, and restarted it at too high of a dose and basically gave myself a HUGE depression relapse for two days, including constant panic attacks. It was really bad. Please read your pill bottles... Good lord.... :(
1 comment:
I know its hard to see it, but it's not the end of the world. My husband was diagnosed with ADD when our daughter was a baby, and she is now almost 9. We've just learned what he can and can't handle. He's deff better with medication. It does take getting used to, but I would rather he had ADD than something that could take his life in the long run, like cancer. Does that make sense?
Post a Comment