Hope

First, one of my good friends went into labor with her baby girl night before last.

She had a baby boy.

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We have all been having lots of fun with that one. I don't think anyone is ever going to get tired of talking about it. And I cannot WAIT to hear about it directly from "Mommy." :) Young man doesn't have a name yet, but I am SUPER excited to hear what it will be, and I had lots of fun combing every baby website I could think of trying to find little boy stuff the night he was born. (Yes Shirlene, your mailman will be attacking you, courtesy of me. Sorry! It was compulsive. I hope it helps with the enormous task you now have at hand trading your beautiful hot pink baby girl stuff in for boy stuff! Really, I think of the receipients of my shopping binges as victims more than anything else. LOL)

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I was driving home, in heavy fog the night after this sweet baby snuck into this world. Some song was playing on the radio and I just felt overcome. (Per usual.) I put my hand on my belly and cried. On the one hand I could almost feel the spirit of Shirlene's pregnant motherly body becoming my own- meaning, I could almost imagine myself being with child at that moment- I could almost feel it, dream it, picture it. Almost. Something I haven't been able to do. (You have to give me credit for admitting this because I feel nuts saying it like this! What am I, some kind of new age hippie taking on 'spirits'? LOL I hope you can get what I am TRYING to say... Not very well I might add...) At the same time I instantly felt robbed because I just can't. I can't be a Mom. I can't be someone's mother because in order to do that I have to allow myself to trust and love someone as a spouse first. And trust that person enough that I would allow myself to bring an innocent child into our marriage and into this world without doubt that anything would happen to it. At this time, I don't for a second believe that.

Driving in the car, in the fog, not being able to see ahead, and just totally living in the moment, for just a second... I felt that "someday baby" in my belly... and cried for having hope. But I couldn't even fully feel the hope because even as I was feeling that emotion, I was also feeling the anger of what had happened, the mistrust I have of both other people, and of myself, and of my dis-desire to return to those sweet dreams I have so coveted my whole life.

At the same time, I am so grateful for each of these sweet new babies that are born every day, and the people that are brave enough to give them life. I am so proud of you for taking on the task of motherhood and everything that it entails. I dream that I will one day dream of that life again. I am grateful for your faith, trust and love in the world and your relationships when you chose to bring these babies home. I aspire to you. I aspire to your faith.





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After listening to this song play over and over and over again on the promos on cable I admit it, I was hooked and I sought it out on YouTube so I could listen to it's full length. Taylor Swift's channel has apparently been malfunctioning or been overused or something for the last two days because I haven't been able to get anything by her host (even by other artists) to play for the last two days. Since I've been up all night the last two nights editing Shirlene's maternity pictures and posting the pictures over on my work blog, I needed the music and have devoted some serious time trying to get the darn thing to play. In desperation, I turned to You Tube artists. And I think I found something I might like even MORE than the original. Really! This is a duet sung by Julia Sheer and Tyler Ward, with the latter on guitar. They are great and I really love her voice.