I did it.

I changed my blog header. My heart aches.

I feel like I am admitting that something really happened, you know? That he really did something. That he hurt me. That we aren't going to have a life together. That this isn't our blog. That we aren't going to get married or have kids. That our future won't be together.

I have known those things... I have talked about those things; with friends, family, in therapy, even on this blog. But I feel like by replacing my blog header that I am admitting it. And it hurts.

My eyes burn, and my chest is heavy and I feel like I can barely breathe. There isn't any relief in being honest with myself, or letting go of that picture of us together. February 3rd will be six months since I found out. I feel like I am on a countdown.

But I did it. I sat in photoshop and I pasted over our happy, smiling, innocent pictures as fast as I could. I disconnected from the process and just worked like I would for any client or project. And our header, although saved on my computer, is gone now. I miss it. I miss my innocence, I miss our relationship, I miss everything about it. I will always be better off by knowing, but that doesn't stop the pain or longing.