Therapy Homework: Confronting Matt

My homework for therapy last week was to say everything I needed or wanted or wished I could say to Matt in another letter.

In our last session I went over what happened in the house when I went to Matt's home, where he lives with his wife and child and told his wife what he had done. When I told her about me. I told my therapist about how she screamed, and yelled and swore. How she cried into the phone. How Matt kicked and punched the walls. How the glass smashed everywhere after his fist went colliding through a piece of artwork on the wall. How her father and the neighbor stared at me. How their child clung to my leg.

I shoke and trembled. I had to stop and breathe. I haven't talked about what happened that day in a really long time. I have blocked out a lot of the dialogue at this point. Talking about it was bad. I realized a couple days ago I've been binge eating every day since that day I told the story. I've cried out, randomly. Dealing with this stuff is hard and I don't really want to.

Frankly it's making me fat! lol

I had five Taco Bell burritos for dinner the other night. FIVE.

They were delicious.

But back to my homework.

I don't know what to say to Matt. I gave up my right to confront him for Sydney. (His wife.) I didn't tell him I had found out his secrets. Instead, I believed that she should know first, because it would give her the most power. Telling her first and not talking to Matt prior to that- and not giving him a chance to head me off or come up with a story empowered his wife. She could choose to do whatever she wanted with that information. She could have ignored it completely. She could have packed her bags and left. Changed the locks. She could have done anything. And I wanted to give her that privilege. I gave up my right to confront Matt to give that gift to her.

Granted, she did not do what I expected. (She immediately walked over to the phone and called him [screaming and swearing].) But that was her choice. Some days I really regret I did that. Because I was and am entitled to an explaination. And although I don't necessarily agree with the choices she made, I do also believe that she needed to know the truth. And she got that. No one protected me, and once I found out, my instinct was to protect her. Telling her protected her. Her health, her child... she didn't know who she was married to. She has chosen to stay with him, and honor him and all of that, although he has not respected that in return, but that is her choice. She told me she got married for forever, not just a little while. I just wonder how long he got married for?

So, back to homework...!

I have been given this "opportunity" to confront him. But I don't know how. I still don't know what to say to him. If he were here, standing in front of me... I would cry. I would jut stare at him.. and then break down and cry. And I would want him to hold me. And that's the honest truth.

I don't know that I am ready to confront him. I have questions that swirl around in my head... How could you do this? Why did you do that? Why me? But that's not what I want to say.

I'm not ready to ask the questions- because I'm not sure what the questions I should be asking ARE.