Really now. You'd think I'd know better. And yet, I DO know better. I hesitated. I curbed the urge several times before I was unable to suppress it any longer and I did it. I found myself staring at a picture of my ex-boyfriend, ex- soon to be fiance, ex-I don't know what, staring back at me with his kid courtesy of Ms. Internet.
Instantly my whole body went cold. And I felt like I was going to be sick.
I told my old therapist about how I had looked up old boyfriends and stuff before and she said it was a terrible idea, that it just wounds me over and over again. And that's true, but it's also so natural. I think it's also a reality check. Staring at that picture, it's a HUGE pinch on the leg. Yes, this is real. I didn't make this up. I didn't dream it. Again... I felt sick.
Staring at him, even for just a second and the thought flashed through my head that this disgusting person (yes, I even used that term in my head! progress, right?) is the parent of a child. You're parenting a child? A toddler? You were going home to a baby at night after you left my home? Where you were cheating on your wife with me? While I was completely, innocently, blithely unaware. Who else knew? Did you tell anyone else your dirty little secret? Did you brag to the boys at work about how clever you were? How cocky would you have to be to think you would get away with this?
All of a sudden, I just feel really, ANGRY. I feel PISSED. I want to THROW SOMETHING. You PRICK! You had a tiny, innocent little baby at home while you were running around town with me? Telling me you were in love with me and were going to marry me? Planning our wedding? Planning out our family and when I would get pregnant with our own children? And you had this baby at home waiting for you? How DARE you!
I feel like a date rape victim. Not in any way to diminish what really happens to an actual victim, but I did not consent to this. I feel dirty. He touched me. His hands were on me. I feel absolutely digusting. I talk in therapy every week how I feel like I can't get clean. I wish I could just cut off the womanly parts of my body and throw them away because I just want them to GO AWAY. I look at him now and I want to push him and shove him and SCREAM at him for doing this to me and hurting me. He made me DIRTY. I feel DIRTY. I don't know how to make that go away. He forced me into the bad end of a relationship without even knowing it. I AM SO ANGRY WITH YOU. He does NOT deserve to live his life as it was before! He does not deserve to get away with this! There should be consequences to his actions and he has none. That is NOT fair. It is NOT fair that I have spent all of these months in misery... wishing I could cut off my chest, or being afraid to go to the grocery store, or terrified of family functions because someone might hug me and touch my chest, having to wear 5 shirts and two sweatshirts and two pairs of pants to the gym-- all so men wouldn't look at me. That is NOT fair. It is NOT fair that I was turned down for health insurance because I now have bigger mental health issues than I did before. Can you BLAME me after THIS?! You prick! You absolutely prick. What on Earth has he done to me that I ended up here? How could he have been so entitled that he could be so careless with my life, with my feelings and with my body? He is a liar and a theif and he did not deserve my sympathy or love or affection and he doesn't deserve to get away with what he did. He shouldn't be given the opportunity to do it to another woman. No woman should be victimized like I have been.
Sometimes I look in the mirror and I wonder if I am just making a big deal out of nothing. And I ask myself and I worry, Am I? Am I? Our relationship was like a yo-yo... he would pull away for so long and I would worry... and then he would come back so fast and so hard and so apologetic. And I accepted it. Maybe I was stupid, but even now, looking back, if he had been honest about what was going on (as in his lies were the truth), I still really stand by my own behavior and my support of him, of sticking by him when I believed him to be going through a hard time and just waiting it out. Waiting for him to sort through it and be there if he needed me.
Knowing the truth now? I wish I had kicked him in the nuts when I had the chance.
But even if I did have the chance... you know I couldn't. Because you all know that no matter what I say, I still love him and the relationship we had. And that just makes me even more angry.
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