What next?

......Deep Sigh.......

Emily is NOT having a good day. I am not feeling well, I am feeling very bad actually. And by "feeling" I mean emotionally, not physically. :(

Matt left Tuesday afternoon and everything was great. He messaged me the whole way up to Redding. But the second he got there, he stopped answering my messages.

...Ok, so he is having dinner with his parents, and getting settled.... that's fine. No biggie.

All day Wednesday, nothing. I shoot him a message early that evening, and he says he's been asleep all day and is going back to bed again. Ok......

Thursday.... nothing all day. Nothing. It's his first day of work too, so I know he has to be up at some point, and when he was here on Tuesday, he said he would be more able to talk to me on shift because he would have a signal in places on the highway. (No signal at his parent's.) At 10pm or 11pm, maybe it wasn't even until midnight, I messaged him and he sent me two messages back, then nothing. No goodbye, no goodnight, nothing.

It's is now 8:30pm on Friday, and so far today? Nothing.

I realize he is settling in. I recognize it is probably a little freaky starting out at a new office, and you're the lowest on the totem pole. I am sure his parents are very distracting.

But the last 3 weeks have been pure hell for me. Yes, I know they have been bad for him too, and yes I feel bad about it. But now he is up there, and he has committed to being with me, and I need him to go back to the normal "I"m a fantastic Boyfriend" Matt. I feel very insecure, very neglected, and am now totally questioning whether I should be doing this. I don't want to be on a constant emotional roller coaster with him. I can't take it. It is really taking a toll on my depression stuff and at this point I feel like my medication is not even working. I am sure it is... but the fact I feel SO bad, and SO low despite being on really high doses of anti-depressants, that it is really a testament to how much this has stressed and upset me.

I need reassurance, I need to feel loved, and I need that security that has been lacking the last few weeks. this week has been a total emotional rollercoaster and I don't know what to do about it.

He is supposed to be back here on Sunday or something, but he hasn't told me his plans or anything, and i didn't have a chance to ask him since he keeps stopping sending me messages while we are texting before I can ask, and I don't even bother calling because the connection is SO bad.

I am really tired of this. I feel awful. I do love him, and I think he is a GREAT match for me, and I can really see us building a life together... BUT I am just exausted and I really need somebody to take care of ME for awhile.

:(

I got so upset earlier this afternoon I just got in bed and laid there for a long time, and then realized this really wasn't very healthy so I got up and went to the movies by myself. It was hard to relax but it was a good break. I saw "The Proposal". It's was cute. I dunno if I would buy it, but I would definetly watch it if it was on tv. Then I wandered around Target teary eyed.

I am so tired.

Going to my aunt & Uncle's for the 4th... I am bringing some reese's brownies and I am going to make a flag cake (the one with the strawberry stripes and blueberry star part. I haven't started either yet. But I don't have to be over there until around 4pm tomorrow so I have time.