Drama up the Wazoo...

The last few weeks have been SOOOOOO POOPY. :(

But it's getting better!

Finally, finally, FINALLY after over 2 weeks without seeing him, and 3 weeks since spending actual time together, Matt and I sat down together on Monday at my house. At first things were chatty and fine. Then we started talking about things and BOY WAS THAT BAD.

Basically, rather than openly discuss stuf and come up with a mutually agreeable plan, Matt was like, no, I'm not doing this. I love you and I care about you but I hate long distance relationships and I'm not doing it. My feelings are black and white, and they are fact, LDR's do not work. If we had been together a long time, like a couple o years, or lived together, that would be different and I would be willing to put in the effort, but I still wouldn't like it, but we've only been together a few months and still don't know each other well and I am not willing to put in the effort.

So I am stating all of the logical argument back, but at some point I realize his mind is so closed off he can't even physiclly listen to me because over the last two weeks o obsessing about this- and talking to NO ONE about it, he is really hardcore in his descion and I never had a chance, period. (Which is what I suspected anyway, but I did not expect him to be so hard lined.) He sat there most of the time with his arms folder across his chest (defensive and closed off) and not looking at me.

He also told me that he could buy a house up there for the same price of renting and he was probably going to do that, and then either he would sell the house here, or when the market turned around, sell the house there for a profit. He said it wold probably take like 8 months to find a house and buy it. I think this is a dumb idea. Why make a HUGE financial committment when you are already complaining about not having enough money AND you want this move to be a temporary thing?

I made him look at me when I was crying and his eyes were ALL glossy and I knew he was trying not to cry too. He wasn't trying to be mean, but he was really upset too. After I accepted what he was saying, I calmed down a little and I told him, well I want you to come in my room and lay down with me and snuggle.

He looked at me like I was nuts and was like, that would make it WAY worse, I am not doing tat, that is too hard and I feel too uncomfortable. We went back and forth about it for at least 20 minutes, and i even stood up and pulled on his hands some.

He kept saying he was a jerk and that I would never talk to him again and that he didn't blame me if I hated him, because he hated himself. I said, I am not like that. that is not who i am.

Then I told him that if he was going to leave me, and break my heart, that he owed it to me to do this one thing for me- snuggle me until it was time to go. That there is HUGE difference between two people loving each other and the timing being off, versus something rejecting you completely and not wanting to touch you and leaving forever all tense and wound up. I told him he was being selfish, and if he didn't do it, he was being a jerk. That if he was going to do this to me, that he needed to put my needs first above his and make me the priority right now, because he was doing this to ME. He didn't move and he just sat there for a long time and I finally just sat down next to him and didn't know what to do. He asked me what I was thinking and I said something like, I can't believe I'm never going to see you again or something. And then he was quiet for a even longer time and then he said that he had to come back into town for court next week and maybe we could get coffee. I said sure. Then he said, well if it isn't totally awkward. And I said... well, it's only going to be awkward if you MAKE it awkward, because I wouldn't make it like that and i wouldn't act like that, regardless of how you hurt me. Then he said again, I really hope it's not awkward. (lol acknowledging it would all be him doing it)

Then he said maybe I could stop on my way to this wedding in August through his new town and say HI. I said sure. Then he said, well there is the phone too, you can always call and stuff. I said sure. And then I said well it would be really hard not to send the flirty or mushy messages to him. He was quiet for a long time (AGAIN) and then almost whispered he could lay down for an hour or so. I told him thank you and we went and laid down.

We were not in there for more than 5 minutes before he was trying to smother me under a pillow, or burp pn me (eewww) or a hundred other ridiculous, silly things that couples do. We were laughing and talking about something and he stopped all of a sudden and said he felt thought he knew how he felt and now he wasn't sure. He felt confused. He said, out there, I was very finite and firm on my feelings, and the second I laid down here next to you I am totally overwlemed by my feelings and... and then he hugged me and said he loved me. He said that alot. And he kept looking at my face and looking me in the eye... He kissed me too. (when we were on the couch and I tried to kiss him he turned away)

He asked me about this gift I got him that I had been teasing him about. I told him I got him a 25 cent present, and he asked me what it was. I said it was silly and stupid, but he made me tell him. I printed him that black and white picture of me I put on facebook so he could have a picture o me if we stayed together. He asked if he could still have it and I said of course, he could pick whatever one he wanted, and then he said could he have more than one and I said he could have as many as he wanted. (I took those pictures just for him, for that purpose and got a bunch of different ones printed.)

Then he told me there was something else he hadn't told me... about an hour or two before he came over, they offered him an overtime shift from midnight to 5am. He has just canceled a 12 hour overtime shift earlier in the day because he promised he wouldn't sign up for overtime and then forgot and did it anyway. He said he had thought he would come over here, tell me what he thought and I would ask him to leave. So he figured it wouldn't matter and he would need to get his mind off things anyway, and so he took it. And he told me he didn't want to leave, but he would have to in awhile. Then he asked if he could visit me the next day. I hesitated (because I had no idea where this was going) but I said ok. So we just cuddled and talked and stuff until he had to go. (Ok, we might have made out a little too, but I am not admitting to ANYTHING!)

The next day (tuesday) he came over and it was a total 180 from him. He was happy, friendly, affectionate, told me he loved me openly and held me, everything. He said he could only stay a little bit and I fed him the tirimisu I had made him the day before, which he had not eaten because of the chaos/drama, and I packed up the reese's brownies I made him, and he took a picture of me. We were talking about something and I said well "IF" we do X again, and he interupeted me and said no, WHEN we do X again. And I looked at him, and I was like, well you didn't say you wanted to, so I figured we still weren't going to stay together (I told Kristin I would bet #1, he wouldn't show up at all Tuesday, #2 that he would come but we would still break up, and that if we stayed together i would be totally SHOCKED). He said there was no way he would have been like that with me the night before if he wasn't going to stay with me. I hugged him and I asked him if he was really going to try and he said he doesn't do things half way. It is all or nothing.

So we are doing it! We are staying together! talk about a dramatic story though, eh?

Then he told me, his parents/family is very hectic and chaotic and stressful-stress-case freaking out type people and to give them a month to get used to it and then I could start sending him things and visiting. But to hold off until then. He said he has 4 court dates this month (July) that he will have to come back here for so he will see me alot. He asked if he could stay with me since he doesn't live here now and I said sure, and he is coming back on Sunday (hopefully) for the first court date on Monday. He said I could come visit up there, but I wouldn't be able to sleep in the couch at his parents or anything like that, they wouldn't approve. (This seems weird to me, because it is not like we would even be in the same room, and even if they are very strict and proper, I don't get not even offering up the couch to someone who drove 3 hours to visit, especially since they like me and approve of me....) So when I go up I will have to stay in a hotel until Matt gets his own place.

I talked to him about the buying a house thing and I said I did not think it would be wise to act like he is staying there permanetly by buying a house if he did not plan on staying there. If he acts like it's permanet, it's going to be permanet. And he agreed and said he would not buy a house, or start looking. I said at least wait 6 months (the shortest amount of time before he could transfer back) and if things look ugly, then he could start looking. but as for now, if he wants this to be temporary, he needs to act like it. He agreed.

So he took all of his goodies- pictures, brownies, cookies, and left for his parents so he could be there in time for dinner, and he texted me after about 20 minutes and said he missed his girlfriend, and I thought that was cute, and he told me he loved me.

So that is where we are at! I am feeling better, and I am "cautiously happy." I want to be happy and enthusiastic and YAY everything is fine, but this was frankly, traumatic for me and it was a breach of trust. I also think he is dumb (as are most men) in that he could not reocgnize the fact that he felt distant from me because WE HADN'T SPENT ANY TIME TOGETHER IN 3 WEEKS!!! And that OF COURSE when we did somehting that was bonding- like snuggling, all of his feelings for me would feel fresh and renewed. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I really had no expectations when we started cuddling, it was just my way of saying goodbye, but that changed everything for him.

I am happy, but you know... a little uneasy. I want to see him be dedicated to this before I can allow myself to believe it. I don't want to have blind faith if I am going to get hurt. But, as of now, he is acting like that wonderful, awesome, loving guy that he was before.

We took pictures before he left too. He hates having his picture taken and thinks he is ugly, but he did not argue at all when I asked, and when I sent them to him he said that he loved them. :)