Now what?

Matt is coming over on Friday. He's made it clear we are breaking up because of the stress the distance puts on him. I am extremely unhappy and am having a very difficult time. I feel very defeated and really feel there is no point in trying again with someone else. Matt is the epitomy of what I want in a partner, and I am everything he wants, and it still isn't going to work out. Why bother trying if even the perfect person for me can't be with me? All of my dreams were coming true in one amazing blink of an eye, and with an equally quick swoop they are being taken away, yet again. I can't keep doing this. And I don't want to. Maybe dreams are "dreams" for a reason.

I had an interview last week with a family law firm, which is yet another job I did not get, but the interview itself, and the attorney who interviewed me were very inspiring. I contacted the admissions office at McGeorge School of Law here in Sacramento and had an appointment with the Dean of Admissions about my situation. He said I do not need to take the baby bar exam and in fact, he advises against it. He said I am eligible to reapply to law school as a first time student after a 2 year waiting period. It has already been a year, and he advised me to begin appying to schools this fall. He also told me to take the LSAT (law school admissions exam) again. He said the things that happened to me in school were extreme and the admissions council would be sympathetic to that, but I would still need to prove I have the academic capability of suceeding in school. In other words, take the LSAT again, and do VERY well. he also said having an attorney write my recocmendation letter- personally vouching for me would go far. He was very positive about that firm I applied at, since it's a one attorney firm I would get a TON of hands-on training and the experience would be invaluable. But I didn't get the job.

If I started over, I could REALLY start over... I could apply to any school I wanted- I wouldn't be limited to my state accredited school. I could go anywhere. Even McGeorge. (Where I had my appointment.) But that also means starting over from scratch. Right back to when I was 22, studying for the LSAT with a bunch of other fresh faced college graduates. It feels like a big step back. But it could also be a big step forward... The advisor wanted me to apply this fall, to start in the fall of 2010, but I think that is too soon. My personal situation has not been smoothed over yet and I'm not ready to committ. I'm not well yet and I am still figuring this depression stuff out. At least I can frankly look at my situation and recognize that now. A couple of years ago I couldn't... and that's how I got into this mess.

Now what do I do? School is encouraging... the Matt situation breaks my heart and I feel myself loosing all of the faith I had left in my future personal happiness...