Going to Court, Part 1

Although everyone said I did really well in court, I did not feel adequately prepared. Everything was put off until the last minute. I couldn't find clothes, I couldn't find someone to do my hair, I was running around making copies the night before. I didn't get to start writing my speech until almost midnight the night before and was nearly hysterical as I had not been able to reach my attorney. I cried off and on the whole day before and was extremely stressed. This is exactly what I did not want for this day.

I did manage to get my copies done, organized into a binder organized by my talking points. I made copies of items I did not want to present to the court unless Matt tried to deny them, but I brought them in case he did.

I found a top at Target the night before, showered, dyed my hair and blow-dried it before I went to bed. My mom, dad and his wife all came in to town that afternoon.

I got up a little late on the morning of, after 5:30am. I couldn't find something or other, and was about 15 minutes late picking up my mom.

About half way there I realized I had forgotten my Xanax prescription that morning and started to hyperventilate on the freeway. My mom grabbed me and made me slow down my breathing and calm down my crying. I was just so freaked out.

We got there and parked facing the court house door so I could watch as to when it opened, and to make sure we were the first ones there. I knew the court house door wasn't open yet, so my mom and I stayed in the car. I opened my binder and it blew up in my lap. A ton of my pages fell out and my mom tried to grab it and I screamed at her STOP STOP STOP STOP! Then I burst into heaving tears and apologized over and over- I hadn't meant to yell. I was just SO tense and SO freaked out. She tried to help me get everything back where it was supposed to be, and held it tight so it wouldn't break open again.

A couple minutes later I noticed a car pull up about 5 spaces to our right, with a woman driving with dark hair like mine, and a man in the passenger seat. I instantly thought, "It's them." But then had to redirect my mind that it wasn't. I turned away, and then my Dad and his wife, and then my friend Cecilia pulled up. We all had our cars lined up in parking spaces next to each other, and rolled down the windows to talk back and forth. We planned to have everyone sworn in, in case there was a question of our proof of service (Cecilia did a sub-service on him, so she could attest to that), and the rest all had witnessed my emotional distress.

I looked up and suddenly realized that the people who had been in the car a few spaces over had gotten out and were walking up to the ramp of the courthouse. They were holding hands. He was wearing something dark, and she had a red sweater on. That's all I saw. I knew it was them.

I was upset, but tried to look away, and Cecilia was already asking me another question about something else, and I was trying to practice my speech one last time. Then I saw they had been let into the building, they were the first ones there, which upset me. We had gotten there so early so that wouldn't happen. I had a specific plan about where I wanted everyone to sit in the waiting room so we could be first in the court room door and could snag the first row of seats behind the Plaintiff's podium so even if my family didn't stand up with me, they would be RIGHTTHERE with me.

I hurridly read through the rest of my speech and got out. This is when the chaos started.

I had put a towel down for my mom to sit in in the car, but not myself. I had cat hair and dog hair and lint all over my black skirt suit, and was trying to get it off so I didn't look like a mess. My dad and his wife seemed to be picking each individual piece of hair off my jacket like it was some kind of science experiment. (DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND URGENCY?) They were also laughing, and joking, which I did not take kindly to.

This was serious for me, I don't care if it's "small claims." You treat this experience with reverence and respect out of your respect for ME and how much I have repeatedly told you it means to me.  I actually took my jacket away from them and had Cecilia lint roll it, and we started walking into the court. I looked over, and my dad is wearing a t-shirt, with his button down open and hanging everywhere.

"Um, you need to button your shirt."

"Oh, no I'm not wearing this, I'm just wearing the t-shirt."

"We are going in to COURT. Please button your [button down] top."

"This is not formal, it's not a big deal or anything." Then he laughed.

"We are GOING IN TO COURT. BUTTON YOUR SHIRT NOW. EVERYONE ELSE IS DRESSED APPROPRIATELY.  BUTTON YOUR SHIRT." I turned on my heel and walked next to Cecilia and just ahead of my mom. I was so pissed he was not taking this seriously. If he had tried to walk into the courthouse (I do not CARE if it is in a portable.) just wearing a t-shirt, I would have asked him to leave. My mom said afterwards she was startled he wasn't in a suit. So was I. My dad lived in suits most of my life, and he certainly wore a suit to my sister's hearing a few years ago. I asked my mom and everyone else what they would be wearing, I did not even worry about my dad because I knew he would be dressed appropriately. But he wasn't.

I didn't hear it, but I guess my mom overheard the conversation between him and his wife-
"Did Emily ask you to button that shirt?"
"Well, yeah, but I'm not wearing this button down, I just had that on to warm up a little. I'm wearing this t-shirt."
"She asked you to button it. Button it. Now."

So I guess he did. And then when I ran into the bathroom (I was having horrific diarrhea from nerves and needed to cry and pull it together), I guess he went in the men's room and tucked his shirt in too.

Why bring a button down if you don't intend to wear it? Why in the heck would you ever think it is okay to wear a t shirt to court? My dad is 70 years old. He knows better. It really hurt my feelings that again, I was not given the same respect as my siblings have been in their life challenges. I was very anxious about something like this happening with him and his wife, and it did, but it was okay I guess. He buttoned his freaking shirt!

I got sick in the bathroom, tried to clean myself up, mopped up my tears (you should always, always, always try wearing liquid eyeliner for the first time in your life when you plan on crying a lot and have no idea how to apply it.) and when I walked out of the bathroom-

Yes, my family sat in the row of seats closest to the court room door like I told them. But did they sit in the seats closest to the door? NO. They sat all the way at the end, as far from the door as possible but still in that row. Why does that matter beyond nit-pickiness and not following my anxiety-ridden directions? The seats they left for me to sit in FACED Sydney and Matt.

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!

I started to spaz out again, and then Cecilia and I ducked to some seats around the corner where we couldn't see anyone and I started raging about my idiot family.

This is where Cecilia snorted and said that, "Watching you interact with your parents is like watching a science experiment."

I laughed out loud at that.

My dad came around the corner, and wanted to know what was so funny, and tried to crack some jokes. I didn't remember what he said, but all I could think was, I am trying to focus here. Please take this seriously. Just stop. You're making me tense and distracting me from what I need to do. Then he started in with the anxious head/hair ruffling and pulling up his pants. I wanted to scream. Cecilia realized my whole body was shaking and trembling- I hadn't even noticed.

Then they called us in!

I rushed around the corner to go in with my family, but Matt and Sydney had sat so close to the door they were immediately behind my mom. I practically RAN to get in ahead of her so I wouldn't walk in behind them, but I think I ended up walking in in front of Matt. I was totally shaking.  We went right to the front and there was the usual shuffling around figuring out who was going to sit where.

I wanted my mom, Cecilia and Daniela in the front row (two strongest emotional supports + attorney) but Daniela wasn't there yet, but initially my dad and his wife went there, and I groaned. After some shuffling my mom, Cecilia, my dad and I ended up in the front row, and his wife in the second.

They called roll, and we were first on the list. FIRST. They then informed us that we would have to exchange all paperwork/discovery we would be presenting with the other party prior to our hearing beginning because the case was so long. Everyone had apparently discussed it already. When the mediator called to see who wanted to mediate, I raised my hand, as I had planned, but she pointed at me and said, "I will NOT work on your case. Sorry." And gave me a look like, Holy crap are you guys a screaming mess.

This is where I got thrown off, and what I am having a lot of trouble coping with and letting go of now.

I had made copies of absolutely everything that could potentially be relevant. But I didn't want to give things like, receipts that listed my doctor's name, the date of my last pap, my medical record number, etc., unless I needed to, to contest something he said.

So there I was, frantically flipping through this HUGE binder, that kept breaking open and the pages falling out as I very haphazardly tried to pull out the pages I needed out of the page protectors. The baliff was standing right there, which of course made me anxious, and then I felt pressured to get it all out as fast as possible. I had timed the pulling out of each relevant sheet of paper during my speech, so I was totally thrown trying to pull out 58,284,957 papers while they started calling other cases since I was taking too long. I felt hugely pressured and flustered.

This is where I made mistakes. I didn't pull out every piece of paper because it was taking too long. I also got confused and thought my citizen's complaint from the CHP wasn't needed. I had forgotten there were three other documents attached to the set of pages that had the citizen's complaint on top. I also didn't know that Matt intended on claiming our relationship ended the previous October based on an email I sent him in the fall of 2009. The Citizen's complaint detailed our relationship in total, and showed that my story was consistent.

In contrast, the CHP's copy of my statement was wrong, and manipulated the dates. It also made it sound like our relationship ended in October. I had sent a correction to the CHP, and that was in my initial filing, but the info in the statement was wrong.

When Matt sent his paperwork over to me, the only thing he had was the email I had exchanged with Sydney that detailed our relationship. I saw some things were highlighted, but I skimmed it only briefly to verify that they hadn't altered my email. I did see it had been moved into a word doc and that the time stamps were gone. I had brought the same email, but mine had time stamps, and our profile pictures in the body of each message. Since they were submitting the email, I did not think I needed to submit my copy of the message. It looked accurate to me, so I said okay. I held on to my copy.

Tonight I went through my papers and reviewed the emails I had exchanged with Sydney again. My copy is close to 10 pages, and is in small print.

Matt's copy was half that length, in a much larger font,  but included the beginning and end of my message. They removed the middle. The part where I described in detail how we got back together in the Spring of 2010 and were a couple through the summer.

Why does this matter? The only questions the judge asked Matt were in relation to the fraud. Specifically, he asked him did he lie about his name, when did he tell me about his double life, when did I find out about it, if he didn't tell me and when exactly did our relationship end? There were several questions about when our relationship ended and Matt claimed it ended in October of 2009, because in my letter to Sydney, I stated we broke up.

In the next paragraph, I talked about how we stayed in contact, stayed committed to each other, and patched it all up and worked it all out by February of 2010.

When I spoke verbally, I described this, and assumed the letter they had backed me up. Had I remembered to submit my citizen's complaint, it would have also shown the consistency of my story.

But I didn't. I didn't know. I didn't realize what they did. I also did not know I should take notes when he spoke and I felt overwhelmed and upset afterwards because I couldn't keep track in my head all of the things he was lying about or that I needed to respond to and I missed my chance to respond to that stuff.

Anyway we are up through me rifling through my papers in the court room. That's Part 1. I needed to talk about the above because I am really upset about it. I want to let go here, I want to just... release it. And I am dwelling and beating myself up for my mistakes and I don't want to. I want to not care.

Therapy tomorrow, maybe that will help.