The thirty something single wanderer

What exactly is it that I am supposed to be doing right now?

I'm 34. I am single. I have a good, stable job that generates enough income to both pay my bills and purchase the occcasional plane ticket. I even get to blow money at Target from time to time and they haven't threatened to cut the power off in my house for months. I threw an extra $50 at my student loans last week. I don't want to be in a relationship again. At least not in the foreseeable future.

Now what?

I feel restless, depressed and unhappy. Something is missing. Maybe a lot of things are missing.

This dissatisfaction I feel overall is pretty high and I spend most weekends wracked with anxiety and crying over I'm not even sure what. Missing Clifton. Missing an emotional connection with anyone really. I'm not close to my family and while I would like to have that, we just aren't a match.

I went out last night with some friends and that was fine, but when it was said and done it didn't really feel like me anymore. Standing in a cold garage listening to a band play, I felt irritated and tired. I wanted to go back home and sit on the couch in front of the tv.

But when I am sitting at home, I feel anxious and tired. Sitting at home all day I am overwhelmed with emotional exhaustion and often fall asleep. What is wrong with me? Is this all just depression? Or am I running ragged?

I'm working over 50 hours a week on site at work and some hours beyond that at home. Then I'm taking 6 units at Berkeley. That requires 8 hours of commuting a week, which in turn requires a whole lot of decompression time. I'm an introvert and on my non-class days I really just want to be away from people. I do enjoy my commute, but I feel tired. My sister was diagnosed with cancer recently and it's very serious. But we also don't have a relationship and not to make excuses but my schedule overwhelms me when I try to think of some way to help. I would like to help and I offered to, but when I get to the days I am home, I am looking at 10 hours of homework. A trip to the grocery store for myself is difficult, let alone for someone else; cooking and driving 40 minutes elsewhere and delivering a meal in a timely manner seems impossible. Even writing that and thinking about executing or planning that again overwhelms me. And that's just the functional parts. That's not even touching all of the emotional baggage that goes with that interaction, which is huge and stressful. She and I are not a match for each other. I want to be there. But I don't know how to cope with any of this.

Back to the beginning.

I'm looking for something more. I would like to move. As my friend said, I have outgrown Sacramento. I am bored. I want more. I need something fresh. I also need emotional support and I don't have a support system here. My friends aren't here and the ones that are aren't really a fit. They are younger or older or in different life places. I don't have much in common with couples of any age-and their primary interest is in getting me coupled- or using me as a temporary escape from their partner. Squeezing me in here and there. Single folks much younger or much older have different agendas. I don't really know anyone in my same life place. I can't honestly think of a single person with a relatable position. So now what?

I started classes at Berkeley last spring but I haven't met a close friend in that group yet. One person I enjoy, but keep in mind, they live in the bay, and this many months in and I still don't have their email  or phone number. We aren't exactly besties.

I would like to move somewhere out of state. The mid Atlantic, or Northeast or Pacific Northwest. I'm not really sure. I'm at least a year from being able to make such a move, but it's on my brain. I would need to be really smart and calculated about doing such a thing. I'd have to complete my program at Berkeley first, and apply for jobs. The latter could take a year all it's own. I'm not sure. Getting this job took 18 months. I don't think I'd be willing to leave for a pay cut and living in a more expensive area or for a lower quality of life. I have it pretty good already- I would want equal or an upgrade. It's not an end all be all, but I want to keep moving forward career wise and get to where I want to be in higher ed.

Something else is missing though. I'm not really sure what it is though. Maybe that connection with another person? Clifton leaving me behind certainly left a huge void in my heart. He was such a huge emotional support and his absence is difficult. I miss him, every day. He was so good to me. It wasn't perfect, but it was so, so good and I really couldn't have asked for more. I think of those 7 months and it feels like a whirlwind though. I was like a little torpedo I was moving so fast. I feel like I was very demanding and needed so much all the time. I'm not sure if that's an accurate perspective but I feel that way right now. I always needed to be stimulated and to go out and be busy and I was always just... so fast. Now I move so slow. I always want to be home and do nothing and that feels good. Clifton would enjoy my rhythms so much right now. Laying in bed and doing nothing forever. This was basically his ultimate fantasy. I wish I could show him I like being quiet sometimes too. It's odd looking back on those months. They were SO HAPPY for me. Like I was so pumped full of happy hormones I couldn't slow down. I have no idea. Now I'm so full of sad I am just marinating in it.

I miss him. Maybe that's what I am feeling. All that remains now is the memories.