The rage of feeling unheard

I have a couple of friends- one a good friend I've known for a long time, and one I've known briefly and whom I'd refer to more as an "associate."

The first, I love. The second I like. Neither hear my words. I find this sometimes frustrating and occasionally infuriating.

With my beloved friend I have attempted to bring up some questions I've been having with myself about my lack of desire or interest in dating. I have taken a step back and begin to explore this on a larger level. I've had some serious traumas, sure. That affects me, sure. But... I don't really feel anything for others a lot of the time and it takes me quite a bit for me  to feel close to someone. I don't relate to folks who have crushes on celebrities or people they don't know or have just met. I need to know someone pretty well before I can feel really anything. Months of online "dating" or corresponding before I'm ready to meet or allow things to progress is very normal and even then things move at a snails pace. Forget physical.

I tried sharing some of my (deeply personal, extremely vulnerable) thoughts with her about this and she challenged me at every turn. The first time I brought it up, she appropriated the feelings and said she felt that way often too. She then launched into a hormonal, sexualized tirade expressing the exact opposite of my lack of interest-exemplifying she really had no idea what I meant. I felt frustrated I couldn't share or talk about something I felt very emotional and confused about. The second time I brought it up, I was more assertive, intentionally so, and she equally assertively told me what I was sharing was the "opposite" of how she had experienced my personality in my twenties.

This is untrue. First, no one knows what has truly gone on inside my head except me- or my relationships. Secondly, everything I've written above has always been true. I relate to having crushes on characters- because they have fully formed personalities you know, with back stories. But I didn't care about the actors- I wished the characters were real. I just felt totally ignored and cast aside in this conversation and for someone I've known for a long time and trust, I was frustrated.

On to the second vent.

The newer friend likes to project dating ideals on me. I've been very vocal about my absolute opposition to dating. I am done. I have been burned three times in 18 months. The break up with Daniel was crushing and losing Clifton is still so fresh, so sad and still feels like such an error- I have no interest in repeating these jaunts down emotional turmoil lane again. I do not speak in absolutes but I am now. I am not interested in marriage, kids, dating or even being touched. I don't want anything remotely resembling emotional vulnerability in my life again. I quit. The only thing I desire is contentment with myself, which is hard enough.

Having said this loudly and angrily and repeatedly not just after I realized Clifton was probably not coming back, but every single time I see her- this woman has continued to try to force dating scenarios on me. Staring with forcing apps on me. First she tried to spam me with some ridiculous (and expensive) new platform. I was ticked. Why would I want to be spammed, first of all? Secondly, I am still actively talking to Clifton. What is wrong with you? Even if I was interested, it's totally wrong on my part because my heart is obviously somewhere else. That's not the way to do things.

Then she's trying to pass off her dating rejects on me. That's right. This woman is several years older than me, we have zero overlap in who we would date- her type: education irrelevant, 40s-50s, divorced, kids, etc. If I were to date st all, which I am absolutely not, the kind of partner I'd be dating would be highly educated, childless, rootless or open to being so, an active traveler, never married and probably still learning about themselves. And very liberal. Someone who would be ready to commit but also ready to scoop up and start over somewhere new shortly. Someone still leaning. And definetly no more than early thirties.

I meet one of her dates at a concert- he's an old man. He makes aggressive comments against the homeless and mentally ill. He went to school online. His kids are in their twenties. He's at least in his late 40s. He "works freelance." (Are you unemployed?)

It doesn't work out between them and she is OVER THE MOON to set me up with him! WHAT? First, he's so old! Secondly, how many times have I said I don't want to date? And he was horribly offensive with the microaggressions against transient communities- it was gross. I didn't even want to hang out with him on her date! He was terrible! AND I DONT WANT TO DATE! I would have kept my mouth shut if she liked him but really? What exactly did she think we had in common? Beyond the fact I'm not available, we share no interests and he could literally be my dad.

I just want to be heard. Is anybody listening?