Now what?

So there's more to this story already. (Read last loooong entry and leave a comment if you haven't already!)

All of that stuff happened on Thursday.

My phone battery died that night and my charger cord broke- it like wore through the plastic casing and the copper wires were all exposed. Not so good for charging. Well I didn't have another charger for that phone, so I just changed phones! Ha! lol I had this really neat phone I got a year ago from ATT for renewing my contract- and dropped it in a toilet at a wedding (it fell out of my pocket) after 3 weeks of using it. Then I got this one I have been using from my friend, which I liked ok, but I watched the auctions on eBay on the neat phone I had so if the price was low enough, I could buy the same model again because I didn't think my friend's phone would last all that long. (Although, it has!) Anyway, I bought that phone and put it aside as back up. So now I have my fancy phone again, all because I had a charger for that phone and not my current phone! lol I also liked the idea of switching phones because then I couldn't go back and read all of the texts between Matt and me over and over....

Anyway, so I got the new phone on and after a few hours, some messages started coming through- from Matt. Well, surprise, surprise I guess I would be hearing from him again. This doesn't clear up my confusion, but I was a bit relieved.

I don't know if this was in response to a text I sent him on Thursday, or if this was him acting on his own because my other phone is dead, obviously so I can't re-read my messages from that day. He said:

"I don't know what happened...I don't think I am the same person I was six months ago...I stopped caring about everything and just being a miserable person...It sucks but it's the new me."

I told him that he sounded and acted how I did when I was first depressed. He said, "This is not depression, this is me."

I am sure you guys can agree with me that a person does not suddenly become a non-caring, miserable selfish person randomly. This is all symptomatic of depression! He is like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh, except he's not as cute as Eeyore when he's being a jerk!

He sent me another message too and he said he just wanted me to know why he was a jerk... he also said lots of other self-depricating things. He told me he had a bad dream that scared him and I just knew that he had dreamt about dying... he said it ended right before that (how do I know these things?) but that it was really disturbing and he didnt want to talk about it just yet... again he said he wasn't ready but he would talk more as he opened up. So weird the terms he uses... he talks like someone in therapy, yet he won't go to therapy or get helpand thinks he's "fine," he just randomly underwent a 100% personality change? Um, yeah ok...

He also told me he got a tattoo on Friday. I was NOT happy. I knew that was coming though. I really do not approve of tattoos and I really think that they just look trashy most of the time... my sister is a recovered addict but when she was deep in her problems ALL of her friends were covered in tattoos, and that is what I associate tattoos with. I am sure that is not true of everyone with tattoos, or maybe MOST people with tattoos, but when I see one, I think trashy, drug using, yucky person. That is very judgemental of me and I am trying to not be so close minded. But I still don't like them...

He did have one tattoo which he got right before I met him. It is a turtle, on his back and isn't THAT big. It is in memory of a good friend who died in the line of duty. It has his friend's name on it. I gave him a hard time about it until I found out it was in memory of his friend that died. I can understand that and honor and respect him for that.

This tattoo? It's a "borneo tribal mask design" on his arm from his shoulder to his elbow. I about pooped my pants. That sounds HUGE and yucky. I am hoping that it is not as bad as I am imaging it to be and that hopefully it is not visible in a short sleeved shirt... also, that this is the last one. Please, please please...

We talked a little today... he slept badly again last night... I don't know what's going on or what will happen.

My birthday is on Wednesday. I am sad that I likely will not get to spend it with him in the way I pictured... As partners and friends, without all of this STUFF going on in the background... he probably won't even remember it's my birthday.

I slept all day today... Never got out of bed. It's almost 11pm at night... Not the best plan!