When you Start Over

I've started a couple of posts and not actually gone through with posting them. I received a nasty letter from someone back in December, which I have never bothered to respond to. Again, I defer those people to the post I wrote just a few weeks after I found out, which went something along the lines of... "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say nothin' at all." If it's not going to help ME, then why are you opening your mouth? (Or typing?)

Anyway, you know I have been trying to figure out how to start over for a long time. I had been looking for something new to do since I left law school in June/July of 2008. (Long time ago now. Sigh.) I've been looking for somewhere new to live since Matt has been gone. I wanted to leave right away but everyone kept saying to wait at least a year. It's been a year now... but now I am sort of paralyzed from making decisions. It almost would have been better to do it back then because I just wanted to flee. But perhaps I would have regretted it because I wouldn't have had a whole 16 months to stew about it. (Yeah, it's been 16 months now. :(  )

I've been trying to find direction, a career, models for myself of people who have made big random moves... I actually just stumbled into a photographer's blog who spent all last summer traveling around the US looking for a new home. They fell in love with Portland, OR and are now giving away two weddings there to get established and plan to move by year's end. (They are in Jacksonville. Don't know if that's Florida or Mississippi though. Are there more Jacksonville's? Probably. I do think they are in the south, so Miss is more likely).

So we have that example, a couple in transition, sort of the same position I am in, except they want to stick with photography, and they have a concrete location and seem to have a plan. Hmmm.

Then I recently remembered (5 minutes ago is recent, right?) a girl I knew in college. I hadn't really thought about it this way but she also had a sort of breakdown and started over. The whole process just took so long I never thought about it in that way.  Basically she was married to a wonderful guy who turned out not to be into the family and kids "thing" and she's raising the baby on her own now. She's moved on in her life and is doing a post graduate degree. From my perspective, she is doing amazing, has acomplished so much and I am so proud of her any time I think of it.

I want to be that. I want to be her. She went to hell and back. Everything she thought and knew was true... all of that was gone. She doesn't share her feelings much and I don't talk to her often, barely at all actually. I wish I did more, but I hate to pry because I know how I feel about these things. I think she is amazingly accomplished and has done so much on her own.
And yet, there are a lot of things in common between her husband and Matt. They had kids and they freaked out. The difference is, at least her husband was upfront about it and gave her a chance to move on and find a better life for her and her child. (Not that this was okay either, but huge improvement.) Matt didn't do that. It was all lies and deceit and I assume it continues to be that way. Neither of these people are normal, but, I think my friend is much better off than Matt's wife. And I think she's much happier too. I hope she is.

So, there's one person I know (who I totally forgot about because it took so long between disaster, transition and success) who started over somewhere totally new. I wish I had more examples. I wish I had a how-to guide.

There is something I NEED before I can do stuff, and what is that? A plan. I need a specific plan. If I scooped up all my stuff, picked a place on a map and moved in... what would the plan be? What would I do when I got there? I dunno. So I haven't done anything. Meantime, I look at real estate and rental listings for Provo and Denver, sometimes Boulder. I look at graduate programs at different schools (University of Denver, Colorado State University, University of Utah, Utah Valley University). I look at the course catalog for my local community college. I'm in German 2 this semester but it's already not going well, which suggests I'm not ready for grad school. The class is crowded, the teacher is loud and dramatic, and two boys tried to touch me or hug me out in the hallway on my second day, which sent me running and crying to the bathroom. Another accused me of being on drugs. (WHAT?) (All because I was out in the hall with my head between my knees because I felt dizzy from the crowd in the class during a group activity). If I stay in the class I HAVE to stay here in CA until May for the course. If I drop out... how am I going to get rec letters for grad school? If I don't study for the GRE and don't know what degree I want, why does that matter.

When will I know what I want and what I am supposed to do and how do I get there?