I have noticed this shift lately where I am more and more comfortable with getting angry; with being angry.
I am realizing that this shift has to do with a transfer of fixation from him, to what he did. (Not sure this is totally coming out exactly how I feel about it, but I'm trying, so bear with me as I sort through it.)
Instead of focusing on him and who he was with me; a person who I could never, truly be angry with because I loved him so much, and he made me feel so good about myself. Instead I have found myself able to think more about his actions, what he did. What HE DID. And I can get angry with that.
I can get angry at what he did to me. I've struggled with this separation of his identity, trying to fuse the man I knew with the man he was. I've been largely unsuccessful. But, if I go a different route and separate what he did with who he was, and think of them as separate things, separate entities...
The anger comes.
The saying, love the sinner, not the sin, comes to mind. I can love him and hate what he did. I can be angry at what he did, and still love the time we had together and how he made me feel, both in the relationship and about myself.
Even that paragraph is not entirely accurate because it sounds much more loving and forgiving than I actually am at this point.
I've spent something like $5,000 + on therapy since this happened. If he had plowed me down with his car, rather than inflict emotional damage, OF COURSE he would have been made to pay for that.
But because I carry my scars and wounds on the inside, it doesn't count. His liability doesn't matter in the same way to some people.
I disagree.
I am getting mad.
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3 comments:
I've been thinking a lot about you lately and wishing there was something I could do to help. I don't know that there really is, but I want you to know that I am on your side and want to be your friend. A friend of mine (she's also a therapist/counselor), Lili Anderson, wrote a book called "Choosing Glory" that Nate and I designed/typeset. When we were making some changes the other day, I came across this passage and thought of you. It says:
God does expect us to “forgive all men” (D&C 64:10), although there is no specific time requirement in which forgiveness must be completed. We should never deliberately withhold forgiveness, but in order for forgiveness to be healthy and genuine, it must come after we are safe again. Forgiving before we are safe—like the battered wife who forgives but then is battered again—is not really forgiveness, it’s accepting a victim role. Elder Richard G. Scott noted that forgiveness does not need to be rushed, saying: "While an important part of healing, if the thought of forgiveness causes you yet more pain, set that step aside until you have more experience with the Savior’s healing power in your own life" (Richard G. Scott, “To Heal the Shattering Consequences of Abuse,” Ensign, May 2008, 40-43). Both offender and offended are benefited if there is a realistic understanding that healing and forgiveness may take some time and are made more difficult if pressure is applied to rush the process.
I know that you have felt rushed or judged by others in the past when they tell you to just let it go and move on. While I've never had any kind of experience that would even remotely compare to what you've been through and don't want you to in any way feel like I'm comparing my situation to yours or pretending that your situation is no big deal (because it is a BIG DEAL), I do want to let you know that I believe that you can eventually be blessed with the ability to forgive and move on. I've always had a hard time forgiving those who have wronged me. After one especially difficult experience when my photography business was destroyed because of two very slimy, dishonest, horrible men, I struggled very hard to let it go and move on. In some ways, I felt like it was my responsibility to stand up to them, to fight them, to defend the rest of the innocent world from their treachery. But I didn't have the money to do that. And it was destroying me. Several months later, President James E. Faust gave a talk called "The Atonement: Our Greatest Hope" (http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2001/10/the-atonement-our-greatest-hope?lang=eng) and in it he said, “Keep a place in your heart for forgiveness, and when it comes, welcome it in.” That sentence changed me. Although it took at least another year, I was eventually able to let it go and move on with my life. I don't know how long it will take for you, Emily, and I certainly have no desire to rush you or tell you what you need to do or when you need to do it. You are certainly allowed time to grieve and to heal from this awful tragedy. I just want to offer you hope in the knowledge that eventually you will be ready and able to move on and that you will have a wonderful, fulfilling, and happy life. I like the saying, "Everything will be alright in the end. If it's not alright, it's not the end." And it's definitely not the end of your story yet, Emily. :)
You made good work of expressing what is - and likely always will be - a nuanced and complicated tangle of feelings.
The anger fits in with everything else, and all parts encompass the whole.
It's unavoidably complex. No one has to tell you.
You're doing it, you're expressing it, and it's worth reading about. I'm glad you write.
xo Cathy in Missouri
The anger is a huge step forward, other pieces will fall into place as the time is right, not necessarily when you want it to happen. (I am so guilty of trying to control when something happens)
I love the information and quotes shared in the first comment. I have a lot of demons I am fighting in my own life and have been in counseling for about 6 years. I have come so far, but still have a ways to go. I would be afraid to total what it has cost me monetarily. Emotionally, at times it has cost me more than I had to give. Yet, I am still here, proof that you too have the potential to come out the other side.
{{{HUGS}}}
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