I WON!

Okay, so not literally. :) More in a spiritual sense.

I went into this lawsuit with the goals of taking back my power, confronting my abuser, creating a public record, speaking articulately and clearly and I did all of that. I won the day I testified, despite the hiccups. No matter what, he still got his a** dragged into court to explain why he did what he did. TRUE. He may have lied under oath, and perjured himself, and he may be a pedophile, but he has at least experienced some annoyances for the things he has done and not completely gotten away with it. He should be relieved I did not return Judge Judy's bajillion phone calls.

Early last week I called the court to check in because it was 8 weeks last Thursday since I testified and we were supposed to hear after about 3-4 weeks. I left a message for the clerk and told her to please not tell me the result in any messages, but please give me an update. She called back and said that the other clerk was typing it up at that moment and it would go out in the mail that day.

As I do in any moment of crisis, I ran right out and did something drastic to my hair. Since I had just dyed it the week before, I chopped it off and got bangs.

 

I was going for Zooey DesChanel... I felt more like Miss Frummpy, and then a little bit like Samantha Parkington, and then I had a good hair day, and then blah... I'm working on my bang skills.

 

The letter came sometime at the end of the week and I got my hands on it Saturday. I wanted to do something symbolic because I have been wanting to do anything symbolic this whole time. With past therapists we've discussed funerals, balloon releases, letter writing (I've done that many times), burning stuff, plate smashing... But nothing ever happened, or the things that I did do weren't satisfying.  This time I needed something to close the circle. I kidded at first, but it was important. I tried to coordinate a large group, but with so many different schedules it was too hard, and while at one point it could have been like 10 or more people standing out in a field with me and 10+ people on the phone lines there ended up being just four of us, two in person, two on the phone.

 

My friend Angie and I drove out to a friend a few minutes from my house where I have done some work stuff and I set up my little fruit crate I use for baby shoots.

 

 

 

The letter from the court, matches, and THE picture I carried into the house that day and handed to Matt's wife. After she finished shoving it into his face and screaming at him, she handed it back to me, saying she "didn't want it" and I said I didn't want it either, and folded it into fourth's, stuffing it in my pocket. When I got home I threw it on my piano and it's sat there ever since, save for a couple trips to therapy.

 

We called the long distance people on the phone and got started.

 

 

I had played with this idea of burning the picture of Matt and I, or burning Matt's face off and burying me. I repeated this idea to a few friends, but they screeched at me, "DONT BURY YOURSELF!!!!" And I said, "No, no, it's not a bad thing, it's a good thing, there's some metaphor here I can't quite articulate yet, but I know there's something there..." I tried for a whole "rise from the ashes" like Stefano from Days of our Lives, but nobody seemed to believe me. Hmmmmm.

Anyway, so on the way there I was just STRUCK(Or as the Mormons tell me "prompted"- Would that fall under the same usage of the term? I understand the general usage as "guidance," but just wondering if this is the same. Anyway...)

Sometime last spring my friend Nicole was prompted to send me a care package. The idea just occurred to her and she felt I needed it. She sent me some treats and this talk from the LDS General Conference about Forget Me Nots. She included a copy of the talk, and a pretty copy of a quote from the talk, and a package of seeds. From the talk:

You must be compassionate and patient with yourself. 
The people you think are perfect are NOT. (The crowd laughs. lol This is an important point to note for ME given my constant comparisons to the life I believed I was missing out on.)

Some sacrifices are better than others.

Be happy now.

You are loved.
Do not abandon hope.

 

You may at times feel a little like the forget-me-not—insignificant, small, or tiny in comparison with others. I hope (the forget-me-not) will be a symbol of the little things that make your lives joyful and sweet.”

 

Elder Uchtdorf

 

You can watch the talk here as well:

I appreciated the gift at the time (Okay I totally bawled to just be remembered, and it just felt so poignant how forgotten and unimportant I am to my own family and how welcomed I have been by my Utah "family."

But I didn't really get it, until this moment.

I was driving, and this moment, driving to this field, trying to process what was going on, and trying to figure out the burying my picture in this field thing and then I just GOT IT.

I wasn't BURYING myself.

I was PLANTING myself.

I was the forget me not.

I was going to take this picture.

Sever this evil part of my life from me ever more.

And plant this old part of me in the earth to grow into something new.

Because I don't want to be that person anymore.

I miss her, and I don't blame her. It wasn't her fault. She didn't see this coming. She was an innocent.

But I don't ever want to be there again.

So, I would plant her, and let her grow. And she won't be forgotten. But she will grow into something new and beautiful and wonderful.

I got it.

Took me awhile, but I'm slow. Thank you Nicole. I got it.

I talked about the Forget me nots with everyone who was there and on the phone, and then Maren prayed. She prayed for me, and the situation and most importantly she prayed for Sydney and the children. I had felt okay until this point but then I cried. I feel terrible for them. They are trapped. They will probably always be trapped. And they have nothing but my sympathy. They deserve so much more and they don't even know it. Maren called him evil and I had never thought about that like that, but she is right. He is. He is an evil person. You can't fix that. They deserve so much more. I cried for her. Not for me, but for her.

I felt for the longest time that I was robbed of my life. I lost my partner, my home, my children, my entire life.

No.

I got my life back.

I am going to go to graduate school. (Knock on wood.) I am going to move to a new place and start a new life, a new, exciting one. I will meet new people, travel and do exciting things. I will be educated and do fun things.

She will remain trapped. Even he- he has maintained the status quo. Yes, he has a high income, but what is the quality of life in a home filled with violence, hate and lies?

I did not lose my life. They chose to destroy theirs. I am creating a better one.

(That would be me setting his picture on fire, shredding the remnants and burying the remnants in horse shit).

We opened it. I won. No money. That's fine. I knew I wasn't likely to win anyway. I believed in my case, but my lawyer prepped me it was unlikely. And that wasn't my goal. I wanted to protected his victims. I am happy. My dream was to be free. I feel free. If I had received a judgment, we would have been dragged back to court for months for appeals. That's not free.

I am happy.

...Off to plant myself ...

"No matter how dark your days may seem. No matter how insignificant you may feel.... No matter how overshadowed you may think you may be. You have not been forgotten.... You are  loved with an infinite love."

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