ACCEPTED!

The final score on graduate school was as follows:
Accepted:
University of Massachusetts, Boston
University of North Carolina, Greensboro
Marquette University
University of Denver
University of Oregon

Recommender didn't sent in my letter/my App was never finished:
Salisbury University

Rejected:
Southern Methodist University

SMU actually said that I was not suited to the program and I should pursue a different field. Their letter was extremely rude and unprofessional, as were all of my interactions with them. The interview, which I asked repeatedly how to prepare for, or what I would be asked, and my questions were ignored, I was finally given the answer that she "just wanted to get to know me better." This was a total lie. The interview was more like an interrogation and I was thrown completely off, especially since I had been given no warning and been misled.

I was initially waitlisted at University of Oregon, so I accepted at University of Denver but continued to have bad feelings about it. When I accepted, I did not receive a congratulations, or even an acknowledgement. Nothing. I emailed both the director and the program assistant and I got nothing. I did not feel welcomed or cared about. It felt consistent with my other interactions with the program and I asked the program assistant what else I could do to help myself get into UO and she suggested another recommendation letter, I contacted my freshman English professor and she wrote me another highly personal letter. I was accepted to the program within a week. The assistant called me personally to let me know.

I was COMPLETELY OVERJOYED and screamed into the phone (almost) when she told me. I'd had the flu for over a week and had no voice and screamed so that I had no voice (open mouth, no noise lol) when she told me. It was great. And so different from how DU reacted. I am hoping it will be a very different program with people who care about me!

As time as gone on this past month or so I have gotten very anxious and upset about the prospect of moving. I of course can't really move- more like half time status because my job is here in CA, and o I will be commuting between CA and Oregon most of the time. I've already arranged all of my transportation between OR and CA for all of my events here through the rest of the year. What I hope is to just continue business as usual, and just expand my shooting territory to the Pacific Northwest, which is beautiful!

This week I went and tried to find a place to live. It was very overwhelming and upsetting. I fought with my mom the whole time, which also upset me but I couldn't seem to prevent it. I had panic attacks every day I was there and was popping my medication like candy. I felt bullied by the manager who I ultimately signed up and I am completely questioning all of the decisions I've made. I am having a really hard time this week. Not to say it hasn't been good leading up to this, with some hiccups, but currently I just want to run screaming away. It's too much too fast. I don't want to leave this house...

I am afraid of all the changes and being uprooted and losing the very little support system I have left.

The last few years my mother and I have been really close and the last six months or so she has changed dramatically. She seems to be having issues in her personal life and it has directly affected our dynmanic in a dramatic and negative way. We do not mesh or understand each other and do not communicate well. It really frustrates me. I don't feel like she listens to me or hears me, which is the thing I count on most in my mom. I feel like I am talking to a wall.  And then because there is so little positive back and forth I feel like I've taken advantage of her for the things she tries to do to help because our interactions have become increasingly unpleasant.

One of my summer classes very closely conflicted with my work schedule, and as a concession, school is letting me miss 2 hours of class, but as punishment, I have to make up the time in one on one tutoring with the director, volunteer to act in an in-class play, and then retake the entire class again over break. This doesn't seem reasonable to me, and upset me. It should be one or the other not both. All of the feelings of being overwhelmed and anxious and problems arising have exploded to  a point so fanatic that when this newest one arrived, I thought, I can't do this, I am dropping out of this program. Forget it. I am trying to stick to it, but I am so frightened now I feel like I am drowning. I don't know that I will fit in, how will I move? How will I unpack? Can I afford my apartment?

It's way too much to deal with right now.

I also have anger. Why do I have to move away when Matt was the one that did everything wrong?