Wordless Wednesday: Thanksgiving

Don't worry... the nest had already been long abandoned and the eggs were frozen solid! Tootie thought they smelled delightful though!

Homework from the therapist this week.

Dear Matty,

I have thought of you every day, every moment, this week. I always think of you, but this week my heart has just ached for you. I miss you so much. I miss my partner, my lover, my friend. My best friend. The person I was going to spend my life with.

You're gone and I still expect you to come home. I wait to hear your voice, or to read your name on the phone. I dream you are here with me. I miss you. I love you.

You make me laugh. You are so silly; so loving. You always take care of me, and I love taking care of you. I loved living through the moments where we took care of each other.

My heart aches every day. I cry for you every day. You went away and I don't know what happened. You died, you disappeared, you ceased to exist. You, my Matty, MY Matty was the figment of someone else's imagination. And he was perfect. You were perfect. You were always telling me how perfect and beautiful and wonderful I was. How you didn't deserve me.

I want you to come home. I want everything to go away. I want everything I know about who you really are- as a person, in your life, your name... everything. I just want it to go away and I want you to be who you told me and showed me you were. Because I miss that person. I LOVE that person. I was and am in love with that person. I mourn for him every day and just simply wish for him to come home.

I can't bear for another man to touch me. I feel dirty. Disgusting. Shameful. For what you did. I can't even accept a hug from a man in my own family without wanting to wipe my body clean and crying out in shame.

I don't want to live this life I have been living these past five months since I found out. I want it to just... go away. I want to open the door and I want you to come home. Please come home. I know you can't, and it never will happen... but please... some night, in my dreams sometime... give me some peace from the hell I live everyday, both in this life without you, without my partner, and my mate, and in the scarred reality you have left me with.

Somedays, like Sunday, I spend the whole day in bed. I just pull the covers over my head and forget the world exists. I laid there for hours. For the entire day. I just waited for it to be over.

In a lot of ways that is how I have been living my life now. Just waiting for it all to be over. There isn't anything to live for anymore. I lost you. You... went away. You shattered me. And when you did that, you took my sense of security within my self. You violated my sense of being. You took my dreams with you. I don't want that home or the family or the husband and the kids anymore. I can't bear it. I can't trust it. I can't trust anyone like I trusted you. I put more faith and truth into you than I ever did anyone else. And I lost more than I ever could have imagined. I can't endure that again. I don't know that I am even enduring it now.

Sometimes I think about dying. Without dreams, what is there left to live for? I clasp, and reach and look for something to dream about, to aspire to... And there isn't anything left. When the truth crashed through the computer screen that day, and came screaming at me in your house... it popped... my dreams were in this great, perfect baby blue balloon. And when I found out your secrets... one after another... it was like someone took a tiny thousand pins and pressed them into my perfect blue balloon until it just... dissappeared. Along with you.

I'm so confused. I'm angry with you. But I love you. Why is it we cannot stop loving those that abuse us? When will I be able to reconcile that the wonderful man who loved me and coddled me and cared for me like no one else had is the same man who deceived me so deeply?

The man I knew, my Matty, YOU would never have done anything to hurt me. I know that. Matt, I know that. I know you love me, unconditionally, and you were going to spend your life with me. You wanted no one else. I was the only one you were or could ever be with and you wanted to build a life with me. And one day, you just... passed into the fog and went away. I know you would do anything you could to get home. I know you love me. I love you too. Please come home. Please find a way home from that foggy heaven and save me from this. I love you and I need you. I just need you to hold me and tell me it's going to be alright.

I miss you tonight.

Always.

Meet me on Monday (Updated)

1. Do you like your ice cream in a dish, waffle cone, pretzel cone, sugar cone or cake cone?

Cake cone, definetly. I love how the ice cream melts into the bottom of the cone and it's like a little cookie at the end!

UPDATED: PS: People have been asking what a cake cone is... it's jsut a regular cone. The cheap, yellow kind. That's all!



2. Do you read the newspaper daily?

I don't get a newspaper, so no, but I would like to. But I also suspect I wouldn't have the time.

3. Marinara or meat sauce?

Marinara. Meat in a lot of stuff just plain grosses me out. I like meat, I love burgers! But meat in some stuff- meat in pasta, meat on pizza, YELCH!

4. Last time you cried?

This morning. I am having a rough time this week. I am missing Matt so, so much...

5. What word/phrase do you find really annoying?

Oh, there are SO MANY...! And suddenly I can't think of any!

Okay, when people call their children or pets "Mama". What the freak? Also, baby daddy and baby's mama? What? And I HATE IT when people refer to women as "females" as in "This female was talking down to me y'all and I told that b&^*#..." Yeah. UGH. Not a big fan of "snap" either. Oh, and it drives me NUTS when people write "isle" when they are talking about "aisles." I can't STAND it! An aisle is something you walk on at a wedding. An Isle is somwhere you go on vacation. How to people who write wedding blogs continually mispell that?

OH OH OH! My favorite hater phrase: " WAH-LA" AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Wah-la is not a word! You're trying to say "Voila" people! Which is a french word, and means, in essence, "Ta-da!" But don't write out the sound! Or say the sound! I hate when I am talking to someone and they physically SAY "Wah-la." Seriously? It just makes you sound dumb. Voila is a real word. Say the word. If you can't spell it, I got you. But you can't actually even make an attempt at pronouncing it? It's not hard to say!

AGH! I am so annoyed now.


Java, what's a meme? And why am I in trouble for not always doing links?

November in Oregon

In November I went to visit my Mom in Oregon for just over two weeks. It was hard. I hard a hard time being around the men in my family and had to have a "coversation" with my mom about it before I came to visit about not being touched or hugged and despite that I still have some conflict with her about it. Since she has been with her partner/common-law husband/signigicant other she has started praying by holding hands with everyone at the table. This is a problem for me. First, I don't pray this way. Also, it forces me to pray with them. Additionally, it draws huge attention to the fact that I can't bring myself to touch Tony's hand while we pray before the meal. I cried at the table twice before my Mom finally realized how upset I was over it. And this was with Tony sticking up for me. Once we got past this it was pretty smooth sailing though.

Granny got Amelia a mirror.... okay she gave me her mirror but Amelia really liked it. What can I say? She's a girl!

I also gained 17 pounds while I was there. My mom got me off the turkey sandwiches and I had constant stomach aches the whole time from the dietary changes. I spent a good chunk of time running to the bathroom after every meal in agonizing pain, and yet I somehow still gained 17 pounds from my mother force feeding me. (Guilt-feeding me? "You have to eat more! It's not healthy to eat like that!" Mom, I can't fit into my pants now!)

My cats came with me on the trip which was 9 hours each way in the car and it went pretty well. They had fun and they got to see snow for the first time. Amelia was NOT a fan of my mom's dog, but Tootie and Buck were doing tricks together after an hour of knowing each other. ("Sit!" Amazing trick for a cat, huh?)

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Look at those happy feet!


We used the next two on Christmas cards. I did the camera settings and my mom snapped the shots.

Long Time

God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference.

I'll be back soon. I've been on "vacation" (if you could call it that) at one place or another since mid November, hence my absence...

New Therapist

So I have a new therapist at Hope Counseling and I like her a lot. This week we finally finished going through all the back story and started talking about Matt. I'm holding it together pretty well.

Just as long as you don't ask me about us together beforehand. How I felt about him then. How happy I was. Then I turn into a blubbering 4 year old and can't express or articulate myself at all and just say the same things over and over.

She gave me a homework assignment of an art project of showing what my relationship was with Matt before and after I found out. When I took out the paper to do the "before" I just sat and stared at it and cried and I just couldn't do anything. All I could think was, "I was so happy. I was SO happy." Finally I just put it away.

The after part was easy. I took a couple of brown oil pastels and scribbled all over it and crumpled it up good and brought it in to show her. I told her it was dog poo. That's what our relatioship and my life has been since.

Dog poo.