My heart broke again today.

How many times must my heart break before this pain will stop? How long do I have to cry? How long do I have to hurt?

My heart broke again today and I just don't know if I have the energy to keep trying to put it back together.

I'm running out of Elmer's and scotch tape.

Birthday

It's my birthday today. I plan to do absolutely nothing. I got two packages in the mail from my mom, one of which I knew was a [top secret family recipe peanut butter chocolate chip cookie] cake (both because it's all I asked her for and because of the dog's incessant sniffing), and couldn't help but break into after having the box in my house a few short hours and the other of which will remain a mystery until I decide that it's party time for my cats and the dog and I.  I plan on... well, yeah. I stick with my first statement. I plan on doing nothing. I'm going to stay in my house all day, and maybe go to McDonald's for a happy meal. (My childhood choice for birthday lunches, delivered to school by my mom if I was very, very lucky. Of course, as an adult a "happy meal" really just means anything off the McDonald's menu.) Depending on how whiney Charlie is, I may end up having to go to the dog park, but other than that I don't plan on leaving the house or seeing anyone.  Oh, except I have therapy at 3pm. Boy am I going to have a lot to talk to her about with the break in and everything from the weekend... Oh, and jury duty. That's another post in and of itself. Can you imagine my reaction to a jury summons? Yeah, not good. I just sent a letter back requesting a hardship excuse today. I'll try and share it with you soon.

Self portraits from when I was in Vegas for a photography conference last month...

I got a little personal on my work blog today. I hope I don't regret that. I have another post scheduled to go up at 9am this morning so it will be pushed down pretty quick, but still, I hope it's not too personal. Everything with Matt is so personal and.... sacred? It's hard to share even vauge details without feeling insecure. I haven't been putting myself out there much on my work blog since it all happened... (I'm realizing this just now as I type...) and I used to talk about personal stuff all the time.  But today is different. I hope I don't regret that...

Charles brings a little SPICE into his life!

Alright, you know I can't keep my mouth shut.  I try to be wordless, but I can't manage it. Wednesday is more like picture day. lol

Charlie, although neutered, must still have a little residual testosterone in his body, because he is absolutely, totally, and completely TWITTERPAITED.

(Yes, just like Thumper and Bambi).

Indeed, I kid you not. Charlie Brown has a girlfriend. **Pauses for shock and gasps** I know, he's so young, right?

Her name is Spice. She's an 18 month old beagle, and she is SO NOT FIXED. Charles thinks she smells *delicious*. He likes her SO MUCH he won't even fetch her ball if he beats her to it. SHOCKING, I KNOW! They are so cute together, and they even have matching Martha Stewart red collars and harnesses. (Charlie usually wears his collar [with the classic CB tag to match his namesake] but he has the harness too! They are like twins!) I don't believe in breeding, but MY OH MY would they make some beautiful puppies together! <3

 I have no idea why he looks like such a ragamuffin in this picture. He's so much cuter than this! Oh, well. It's my job as his mother to embarrass and humiliate him by putting up unflattering pictures, right? lol

Terrified

Twice in the last 12 hours someone has tried to break into my house. While I am in it.

I have never been so instantly terrified in all my life.

Last night I was sitting at my desk working and I saw something out of the corner of my eye. It was someone with their face pressed up against my sliding glass door, their whole body pushed up against the door, arms spread wide, peering in at me. I STARTED SCREAMING. Then the person ran to my front door and started trying to work the handle, then banging on the sliding glass door. The dog started going crazy, barking, growling, lunging at the glass. I ran for the door and although the deadbolt was on, the handle wasn't locked so I turned it and hid behind the door shaking and crying and screaming "Go Away!"

I'm so not even kidding. That really happened. And they did leave. I ran around the house and checked all of the locks on the windows and the screw lock on the slider and made sure they were bolted. I closed all the blinds so no one could see in and pulled the curtains shut.

Charlie asked to go outside to go potty a little while later and I told him to pee on the carpet. I seriously did not care. I was not opening that door. He held it until this morning.

I was too scared to call the police. I'm AFRAID of the police. I called my friend Vince and then my dad's wife saw my status update on Facebook a couple hours later and my dad called me right afterwards too.

About an hour ago I was sitting at the desk again, working, and I heard a noise on the porch. Then I saw my front door handle turning. TURNING. I started screaming again. The dog ran for the slider again, standing on the back of the couch, growling and howling. I have never been so grateful for that overly protective badly behaved dog! By the time I got to the door and tried to look out, they were gone.

I'm still shaking.

I think that my next door neighbors (I live in attached condos, with units on all sides of me, and above) are dealing drugs out of their unit. There is supposed to be an old lady that lives there, but I haven't seen her there in months. I think her son, and his girlfriend, or a couple other people are living in the unit illegally. I have noticed when I'm out walking the dog late at night that skeezy, skuzzy, rough looking people have been turning up on their front porch, knocking, the door opens, shuts and the person stands on the porch waiting.  One day we walked passed their door on the way to the car and a homeless looking person was laying on their front porch.

I'm afraid to call the police. We don't have a security company. Our complex is gated and is supposed to be secure. I'm afraid to leave my house. If I wasn't in here screaming my head off, would they have kept trying to get in? The wind is blowing really hard right now and it's making the front door creak and I can't stop staring at the handle. My only plan right now is to cal management and tell them what happened. I don't know what else to do. I'm afraid to leave my house or take the dog to the bathroom. I feel absolutely terrified.

Toulouse is ONE PAW OLD!

Awww, Tootie is one whole paw old! He is FOUR! FOUR FOUR FOUR! Can you believe it? That is one whole paw! He is the only one of my babies living at home (Mary is in heaven) who I have had since they were a baby. Isn't he so sweet?!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TOULOUSE! We love you!

In memory of Clarence

A week ago Tuesday we lost our family dog Clarence to pancreatitis. He also had diabetitis and had gone blind in the last few weeks. He had adjusted fantastically to the recent hardships and had even learned his "rights" and "lefts" and if he was about to walk into something we could just call out "LEFT!" and he would turn left, away from the wall/fridge/couch, etc, and keep on going. He was great the day I left for Vegas for my photography conference, but the next night he was up all night long in extreme pain, ended up in the hospital, and they could not make him comfortable. The diabeties suddenly couldn't be controlled any longer and he was in so much pain and so out of it my dad and my sister decided to let him go but they are both struggling so, so much with their descion. Everyone in our family loved Clarence so much, he belonged to all of us.

Sorry for the really low quality, my sister sent me this clip, it's longer than the one below, but it just shows him being happy outside... I love that. She had to shrink it so much in order to email it it just butchered the quality. I wish I had access to her computer I could probably do it better than she could.

This is just... CLARENCE. Being himself. He would only take treats if he could "kill" it first by playing this little game first. I'm so glad somebody thought to video tape it. After he went blind my dad still found a way to play it with him by rubbing the treat on the ground so he could "hunt it" with his nose. I miss him.