Emily's Adventures in Wonderland

Monday, September 08, 2014

Fitness, Weight Loss & Dieting

I think I've been on a diet since I was 10.

Taken in February.

In the 5th grade, I distinctly remember having a whispered, worried conversation with my friend Jessica Noble about our weights. Jessica was very tall, and probably a healthy weight for her height, but I was very short. We weighed the same- 100 pounds in the 5th grade. I was very ashamed and she had somewhat similar feelings, best I could gather. We confided in each other for comfort and I felt better.

Not long after this shared confession, I had a conversation with someone in my class and they asked me about my weight. I, feeling empowered by my shared struggle with Jessica, told the girl flat out what I weighed. The girl was was horrified. (She probably weighed around 45 pounds and was actually probably underweight.) I tried to stick up for myself (aka, I was defensive) by telling her Jessica weighed the same and she looked good. Jess had been pretty matter of fact about her weight so I assumed she wouldn't mind. This little brat marched up to Jess and told her I had said she weighed 100 pounds, same as me. Jessica flat out denied it. Said she had never said that and she didn't weigh anywhere near that amount. She even denied it to me in private later on. I was humiliated. And felt alone! I often did feel alone and isolated in elementary school. Despite the fact I had good friends, I often felt abandoned or excluded, like in this scenario.

By the time high school came around, I had started restricting my caloric intake to under 1,000 calories a day. But I also had started binging, and eating in secret, hiding food, so I didn't lose any weight. I would secretly do work out videos in my room- until my mom heard the repetitive foot steps upstairs and confronted me about it. She said it was fine I was exercising, she just wanted to know what I was doing. I was so embarrassed and ashamed I denied it, and never worked out at home again. Allowing other people to be aware I was bothered by my weight was very upsetting for me. I don't know why.

When my parents were at work I would secretly run around the neighborhood, or do Tae Bo videos at my dad's house with TV on mute so no one would know. (My dad had a single story house so no footsteps to hear!) But it didn't work. (Or minimally.) I just always felt hungry, and I was alone a lot. My most striking memories from high school are of walking home (a good couple miles over hills), stopping at CVS and buying either a pint of ice cream or a bag of chips. Every day. I'd eat that for lunch in front of the TV watching Days of Our Lives and Sunset Beach. I was a shy kid, I lived with a drug addict for a sibling, and my parents weren't home alot. I didn't want anyone to come to my house, so I did my socializing at school. Outside of school, I mostly hid out at home. It was embarrassing. Our house wasn't that nice, and I was embarrassed of my family. I loved them, but I didn't want to have to explain my sister's problems, or my dad's temper, or my mother's lack of boundaries to anyone.

In college I gained weight in the dorms (of course), and by the time Spring term rolled around, I had re-dedicated myself to losing weight. I started getting chicken breasts and black beans at the DC ("Dining Commons"/cafeteria) and started trying to run/walk again. This time I was more successful and lost somewhere between 20-40 pounds over 7 months or so.

But it didn't last. (It never did.) And the cycle continued. A few times I dropped significant amounts of weight- the most striking being when I really started running (5 miles a day, very, very slowly) and went from over 230 to the 160's. (Around 70 pounds.) But it came back. It took some time, but it did. The one interesting "consequence" to getting my weight down that far was boys finally started paying attention to me. That was new, and I finally started dating- way behind the curve.

Generally speaking, I average about the same weight that I did in high school- somewhere around 200. Sometimes above, sometimes below, but that's the neighborhood my body likes to hang out in. For me, that's about a 14/16 pant size and a Large (sometimes XL, but not usually) top. It's probably good that I've managed to avoid getting even bigger, but I am not happy at this size. My mother used to manage a Diet Center, and has a degree in Family & Consumer Sciences- I don't believe she taught me wrong, but I do believe I self-medicate with food. I know that I struggle with depression, and more recently I've realized that I am a fairly anxious person. I've had issues with anxiety since childhood. But no one ever really caught on that that was the problem. I didn't really learn coping mechanisms until I started therapy Post-Matt. I can recognize when I am having anxiety now, if it is fairly significant, but I've stopped myself with a bowl of Ben & Jerry's a couple of times and thought- "Are you eating this just because you're trying to avoid working because it stresses you out?"

The answer to that question turned out to be "yes," too.

The fact of the matter is, eating sugar or carbs gives your brain a short term dopamine/seratonin boost. For someone who naturally lacks these hormones (like me), eating those kinds of things- refined carbohydrates- puts my brain back at a "normal" level where I can deal with life more easily.

First, that's sad.

It also makes struggles with your weight really difficult. You need to have effective coping mechanisms for anxiety in place in order to avoid using food as an anti-depressant or anti-anxiety medication.

I have wondered if I need to be on a light anti-anxiety medication again, just for general maintenance. But I'm not super enthused about doing that. I was on meds for quite a while with the Matt debacle, and also after I left law school the second time. It was rough going. Being on meds also requires a high degree of monitoring. I know what is entailed in that process- it's very effective, but it's also a lot of work.

My inclination is to try and increase my own mindfulness with my anxiety and how it relates to food. This year, I've dropped about 10 pounds since January (going from a high of 207, to a low of 193, and then bouncing around the 195-197 neighborhood) and that is definitely the slowest I have ever lost weight. I have two thoughts about that- it's good, slower is more effective for long term sustainability- but it's also frustrating because I'm still about the size I always am. Except I'm over 30 and every thing looks different now!

I am consistently active now, and enjoy the activities I do. I'm a lot more social, and depend on friends much more so than I did in the past. I'm also just a lot more confident person. I think those things happen with time, age and experience, but they are also the result of therapy and working out some of that childhood baggage. I want to keep working on this, and I hope that I can report some change and progress in the future.

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Saturday, September 06, 2014

Second Date with K, Movie in the Park

For a whole week after my first date with K, I freaked out and wondered what it all meant. I had no objections to him as a person, or physically, or anything else. While I hadn't felt a whole lot of "magic" on our date, I was anxious to know where we stood, and K wasn't making it clear. He didn't ask for another date, and yet we were still communicating pretty constantly.

I felt confused. Maybe it wasn't a date? If he was interested, wouldn't he have asked me out again? And if he wasn't interested, then he would have just dropped me. ...Right? Unless it was platonic...?

I spent a whole week hyperventilating about it before finally emotionally vomiting on the Program Assistant at our school (who had a small hand in orchestrating the whole thing) about the situation. Her response was basically to tell me to CALM DOWN and just ask him out. He asked me out the first time around, so why not? Also, make specific plans. During that week of freaking out K and I had talked about getting together but never made concrete plans and it just went awry. She suggested we go to a movie in the park which was a great idea.

As soon as I left her office I looked up movies in the park and happily saw a listing for "Homeward Bound" playing in a park by my house that Friday. Funnily enough, K and I had an entire conversation about Homeward Bound during our first dinner together so it felt very fitting.

I asked him and he accepted right away. I decided to make another go at making that cake (sticking to my original recipe, of dark chocolate cake, dark chocolate ganache) and K promised to bring milk for us to share.

For the recipe, go HERE.

The cake came out great tasting the second time around but still wasn't perfectly pretty. I'd like to make it one more time just to show I'm not a dumb-dumb.

Anyway, back to my date story. K does not drive (not many people in Eugene do) so I picked him up at his house. I was pretty comfortable, but still decently nervous. I felt like our interaction as not defined as platonic or otherwise and I strongly disliked the ambiguity.

When I walked up to the door, the second I knocked, the toilet flushed. That made me laugh. K opened the door, said "Hi,'" and then asked if he should bring anything- like a blanket. I said I had brought a giant bedspread/quilt from home so we were good. His response?

"Oh, I'll just grab one anyway."

It was that moment I knew this was platonic. In my head I went, "Ohhhh."

Because, if this was not platonic, he would have wanted to share my blanket. We're in a park, watching a movie under the stars- this could totally be romantic. IF we shared a blanket. If this was a romantic date, wouldn't he want to be as close to be as possible? So the inverse must be true as well.

I was a little disappointed, because I like possibilities, but this was an okay outcome for me too. It's 1.) good to have male friends, which I have very few of, and 2.) I hadn't felt the magic on our other date anyway. I was also just thrilled to eliminate the questions on my end of whether he was interested or not. NOT INTERESTED. Great! Totally clear!

We had a good time in the car, laughing and joking with each other and I felt much more at ease since I felt I knew where we both stood. We got to the movie just before dark. We hauled our blankets (all two of them) out into this open field and had our cake and milk, which was delicious. We talked some more and K teased me, and I again felt that confusion about his intentions.

Upon reflecting on our dates over the last couple of weeks I have come to believe that our first date was, indeed, a date. However, something must have eliminated me as a prospect either during our first date, or shortly after for K and I think K shifted gears. (Or tried to.) I am pretty sure that dinner at his house had romantic possibilities. I think he must have decided I wasn't a fit for him, which is an okay thing. (But it doesn't' mean I wasn't the eensiest bit disappointed.)

The movie was fun, and I had a good time. I'm glad we went! We each stayed on our own blankets and never touched each other (accidentally or on purpose) even once. It also turned out to be totally freezing, so actually, I was glad I had my whole darn blanket my self. (Stupid K.) I let him freeze in his shorts and tiny little lap blanket. That's what you get for going platonic on me kid.

On the way home K asked me to go salsa dancing with him... And immediately followed it up with a comment that he needed as many people to go to the class as possible because it was in danger of being canceled. For a whole two seconds I thought I had read the situation wrong, and that maybe he was interested, but then I was like... no.

I dropped him off at home, and felt better about the whole thing, at least having the relationship defined allowed me to relax a little.

Weirdly enough, we still talk and he still makes flirtatious comments. He asked me to get together again and that he wanted me to make more cake because mine was so good, but his approach was awkward, and there were no concrete plans so it just felt... awkward. I also felt like he was treating me ever so slightly like a bakery, which I was not in to. The conversation turned into a trading of insults and I felt disappointed in myself that I stooped to that.

He did sort of invite me to a tail gate at his house in a couple weeks so I guess we'll see what happens with that. In conclusion, K confuses me, and while I enjoy his company, mostly he leaves me feeling bewildered!

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Chocolate Raspbery Cream Torte Recipe

My first attempt at baking this cake was a total fail. The second was not great, but better! A few people asked me for the recipe, so here we go! This is not super specific because I tend to make things up as I go along.

The cake still didn't come out quite perfect because I still didn't have a spring form pan. (I just borrowed a standard round from Sarah.) But it was much better than the first attempt.

CHOCOLATE RASPBERRY TORTE RECIPE

Ingredients
Dark Chocolate Cake Mix (I use Duncan Hines Devil's Food)
Heavy Whipping Cream (2 cartons of the standard size)
Pint of Fresh Raspberries
Raspberry Jam
A good quality dark chocolate (I use ghiradelli)
Round cake pan

I use a standard chocolate cake mix to start. I don't feel it's worth the effort to actually make the cake part from scratch, especially considering how much work the rest of the cake it.
I use a Devil's Food Duncan Hines- or whatever the richest, darkest, chocolatiest cake mix I can find is. Follow package directions for baking.

When mixing the cake, I dumps broken pieces of chocolate in the batter at random. Not a ton- maybe the equivalent of a candy bar.

Bake cake in two 9 inch rounds. Let cool, then cut off the tops (to make them flat) and then cut one layer in half horizontally (splitting it into two round layers) (to make 3 layers- one full size layer, and one layer split in two. There usually isn't enough batter to do 4 layers because one of the rounds is inevitably too thin.)

Spread some thick raspberry jam on top of two of the layers. Let it sit in the fridge a day or so to soak in. You can even make some light cut marks on the tops of the layers to help it soak in a little.

On another day, make the raspberry mousse. I take heavy whipping cream and whip until almost stiff in the mixer. Add some powered sugar, fresh raspberries, and a small amount of raspberry jam for flavor. Be careful- if your jam is runny, it will turn the mousse in to liquid. Make sure it stays STIFF.

Put mousse into a pastry bag or a ziplock (cut off the corner of the bag to turn into a ghetto pastry bag) and then pipe a gutter around the edge of the cake. Then pipe the filling across the rest of the layer.

Stack layers/pipe more.

Your top layer should just be cake, no raspberry, no mousse.

Stick back in the fridge, ideally for a few hours or even a day.

Then make the ganche. You can just google a recipe, but all we did was slowly heat more heavy whipping cream on the stove to a simmer/boil. Then we dumped it into a bowl of high quality chocolate chips (we used ghiradelli) and let it sit. (DO NOT STIR). After 10 minutes, stir.

Then you just dump it on the cake and swirl it and smear it around until it's pretty and the cake is totally covered. You might have to do a few layers of ganache to make it attractive. Store in fridge. The longer it sits, the more the raspberry flavor blooms into the cake.

Enjoy!

...PS If you stick your cake in the freezer to speed things along, be sure you don't smash it into the ceiling of your freezer.

___________________________

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Football Game at K's House (University of Oregon v. Michigan State)

In September, K hosted a house party for one of Oregon's first away games. He got a projector from school and what seemed like a billion people came over for the game. It was so fun to be with so many people and to run into people I knew in other contexts. All of our social circles are ultimately tied together because of the law school so you always end up seeing somebody else you know!

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