Peace

I don't know how or when or why, but at some point recently, all of the stress and confusion I've experienced in this relationship with Matt... just faded away. It's just mostly gone. I have no doubt that he is the right person for me, and I am the right person for him. We are totally in love and just crazy about each other. I don't know how things will work out; I can flippantly say, maybe they won't work out. But I don't believe that. I believe it will. I just can't put my finger on it, and I wish I could, because I could articulate my feelings so much better if I understood this. I think slowly over time, my insecurities just kind of faded and maybe I just really accepted that there are things in our lives right now that we cannot control. I can't control what happened with our jobs, I can't control our families health, nor can I control either of our emotions or emotional health. The only thing I can control is my reaction to those things. And, I have chosen to celebrate those things worthy of joy... no matter how big or small.

Matty got a fantastic new job working as a special agent for the federal government. It is awesome. The only unawesome thing about it is he will be shipped off for training in the south for about six months. It's going to be hard, but, I think we are better prepared this time for the separation.

After training, his post is going to be in Portland. Pretty far. We haven't figured this out yet, and we do need to have a talk to figure out what we each want to do. Matt doesn't want to live together until we get married (just like as roomates), but I'm not very willing to move to another state where I don't know anyone, and then not be with my partner.

I also have some choices to make about my education. I am going to continue on with a graduate education. In what, I have no idea. The two two contenders are currently a.) law school or b.) a master's in social work. An MSW has been in the lead in the last few months, but since Matt got that job, suddenly an MSW just doesn't seem good enough. Does that make sense? He's a federal agent... married to a social worker? No.... A federal agent, married to an attorney? Now that sounds better... But do I want to go back to law school? The longer I am out of school the more I doubt my intelligence and my capabilities of being successful in law school. But why? The only answer I have for that is insecurity, and the erosion of my stamina due to my depression... It's hard to believe that you are capable of being a dedicated, hardworking student when it's exhausting to just go to the grocery store.

Also... if I were to go back to law school, which state am I going to go to school in? Law school is a 3 or 4 year committment depending on the program. If I don't go to Oregon and live separately from Matt up there, and I go back to school, I will be unable to move or get married for up to 4 years. That's a long time. But, if I moved up there, and went to school, that would be ok for ahwile, but I suspect that Matt (and I) would always have the goal of coming back to California... in which case I would need to pass the California bar. Rule of thumb is you should go to law school in the state in which you plan to practice. If I plan on practicing in California at any time... really it would be much wiser to go to school here because the CA bar is so much more difficult.

If I were to get an MSW, it wouldn't matter where I went to school, and if I needed to transfer, I could. Transfers are possible in law school, but it is much, much more difficult and I don't know if it's possible to transfer across state lines.

I have some big decisions to make, and I really need to talk those out with my partner; my Matty, but if anyone else has any input or advice, that would be wonderful.

My life to-do list right now is as follows:

Find a job, or volunteer opportunity where I could get a reccomendation letter from my employer.

Study for and take the GRE or the LSAT (again)

Apply to schools

Go to school.

I have been stuck on step 1 for a year. Carmen recently emphasized to me how important it was to have volunteering on my resume particularly when I am "unemployed." This is something I haven't really realized in the past, but when she said it, it really made sense and clicked with me. Since then I also heard another random person online say it as well. Hearing it from two totally different unaffiliated sources helps reinforce that in my mind.

I'm stuck on whether I should persue volunteering, or a regular job. I'm struggling finding a job because I don't have the sufficient experience at the levels at which I would like to work, and I am overqualified, and therefore not even considered for the lower positions. Volunteering would give me a loophole, but "giving up" (that's what it feels like) and doing that is emotionally draining and overall, exhausting. It also ties me to my photography work indefinietly. That doesn't make me so happy.

It was funny though, I told Matt, if I was just going to be a stay at home mom, I would totally be ok with being a photographer. Because it would be for fun...

OH! Also, one more thing. I mentioned the tattoo that Matt got a couple of posts ago. It is not as big as he made it out to be. Apparently he was trying to freak me out to be funny. lol It is not visible in a short sleeved t-shirts. Unfortunately, he does not plan on it being the last one. He wants to cover his other arm. I hate this so much... But I can't stop him, and thank goodness, working in law enforcement forbids having any visible tattoos, so he will never get one that shows. So it will just be me looking at these things, or when he goes swimming. Maybe we can hide them from my Dad forever then...