And now I'll be walking alone.

I walked into my second therapy session of the week this afternoon (I go twice a week, Mondays at 3pm and Tuesdays at 1pm) and sat down to bad news.

My therapist who I have been with for almost a year and a half, the woman who has been with me since the beginning of my nightmare is leaving.

Her husband is in graduate school and has been living in another town about 45 minutes- an hour away since last summer or so. She has been commuting from that town to here, stays with her family or in-laws Monday-Wednesday and sees patients and then goes home to be with her husband. A couple of months ago she cut her schedule back to just Mondays and Tuesdays and condensed all of her appointments into those two days.

Today she told me she has accepted a position close to home and we will have to say goodbye in just two weeks.  We only have four sessions left before she goes. 

I was VERY upset.

I can't say I didn't see it coming, I did. How can you sustain a relationship with all that time apart every week and all of that driving? She must feel like she intrudes on her in laws by staying with them every week too. I can't imagine that being super awesome no matter how close her family is, and I don't know anything about her family. (Obviously. She's my therapist. You're not supposed to talk about her personal stuff. It's not professional. It's all me, me, me in there.)

I knew it was coming, but I still didn't feel prepared and how fast it's going to happen was a bit of a shock. I sat in the car and cried afterwards. I just felt like I have been doing so much better lately and this feels like a huge set back. This is the biggest support person I have in my life now and I'm going to lose her. It feels a little like being abandoned. I know I'm not, I know she's a professional and this is her job, but, it just feels that way. I don't want her to go away... I depend on her!

After I lost Matt, it took me a long time to find a therapist. Kaiser could not offer me the kind of support I needed and once they kicked me out of outpatient (there's a limit to how long you can be in it) and then out of the outpatient support groups (another limit) there wasn't really any where for me to "go." The most a therapist could see me was once every 6 weeks. I could sit on an emergency list in case anyone canceled (and I could take their appointment), but that was it. There wasn't a support group that really fit me. I couldn't be with the bereavement/grief groups- no one had died. I could go to a depression support group, but I was devastated and traumatized, I needed more. I could go to a relationship support group- but it was mixed sex and I didn't want to talk about that, I didn't need relationship support, my relationship was over. That was kind of the point. I took classes and attended support groups for anxiety, depression and PTSD and tried to find a therapist outside of Kaiser. Everyone was so expensive. I called every place they reccomended to me and I still couldn't afford it. I sat in my house, under the covers and cried. I didn't shower for weeks. I stopped eating.

Finally my mom came to visit in September and went through the directory and came up with a list of non-profits that would work with me on a sliding scale. It still took me another month of hiding in my house and crying, making appointments with therapists that were too expensive and who I didn't mesh with before I finally found my current therapist. I was so relieved to have found her and I was a mess when I finally got in. It had been almost two months and after spending so much time either sitting and staring or crying curled up in a ball in my bed, hiding from the world- I was such a mess. My appointments with her first and foremost got me out of the house. That was huge. What she did for me emotionally is indescribable.

I love her, she helps me, she makes me feel validated and supported. I dread the idea of starting over with someone new. Where do I even begin? Do I have to start all over? She wants to transition me to someone else in the office, but what do we do, go back to the beginning? This lady wouldn't know my heart, what I'd been through, how far I'd come, what still hurts me and what to be careful of.

It's daunting. But am I really ready to quit therapy? Probably not.

I just don't want her to go and I am sad. :(