First Date

Don't get too excited, as this didn't really go how I planned. But a couple three weeks ago I asked a guy out on a date for coffee. (Otherwise known as a "coffee thing.")

We met during a styled photo shoot I had  designed recreationally for work and was one of the "models," who were actually all friends or acquaintances and students at the law school I'm doing my graduate work at.

He was pretty scruffy looking when I saw his pictures and when we first met in person, but he immediately stuck me as just being so kind and genuine. A lot of the qualities I mentioned in my last post about my guy friend at school-  this man clearly possessed also and it struck me. I waited for an opening and emailed him an invite for coffee. Because he is a law student, his time is over-scheduled, and while he responded enthusiastically, it's taken us three weeks to find a date and time.

I had become increasingly anxious because this would be the first time I've gone out with anyone since Matt. I'm rusty, and was never really good at this anyway. I fretted over clothes, dodged him on campus and just totally psyched myself out. 

I did do it though, and showed up (just a couple minutes late! ...ok, 7 minutes late;)  at the cute little espresso house he suggested across town.

And I waited... And waited... And waited.

I have now been sitting here for over an hour, alone, feeling a mixture of relief and extreme sadness. 

I was really looking forward to, and was excited about, getting back to normal. That the universe was going to show me that men are not all bad, and can be kind and gentle and loving and treat people well.

I feel kind of stupid now. It's probably something silly, like he forgot or something came unexpectedly. It happens. I understand. And it's forgivable. 

I just feel very... Alone. And unimportant. Left behind. Lonely. Not special. Rejected. And that my life is not ever going to change. I have done the work here, and I will continue to do it. But I am disappointed that its still not my time yet, and fearful, just a bit, that it never will be.