I withdrew from law school today. I got C's. For me, a C isn't going to get me a degree. I feel really confused. I don't know what to do now. I don't have any direction.

My friend took me to the book store and made me flip through career books to help me figure out what I like or am interested in.

While doing that i remembered that I really wanted to be a librarian once upon a time.

So I went home to see if I could track down a Master's in Library Science program.

The closest school is in San Jose. That's a couple hour drive from here. That won't work.

So then I looked at the programs for English, Education, Social Work, Sociology, Public Policy & Administration and Marine Science. I am so not into any of their programs.

I emailed the head of the department for Government. I was feeling really overwhelmed 2 seconds ago and I just now remembered I emailed the department head for Government and that makes me feel a little better because I forgot.

I really don't want to write a thesis. I don't know what to write about. I don't know what kind of a job I would want after I graduate.

I got so ....whatever, let's stick with 'overwhelmed'... I got so overwhelmed that I started looking up the credential programs too, for both Multi-subject (elementry school) and single ( jr high and high school). I already took and passed the CBEST a few years ago as a back up plan in case law school didn't work out. That test should still be good, I would think anyway. But then I started looking up all the stuff I have to do to get in the program and could I really picture myself teaching again anyway and I started feeling overwhelmed again.

Then I was looking at jobs online and instead of being excited about being able to work normal hours and find something reagular to do, I felt ... overwhelemed and anxious and disinterested.

I don't know what I want, I dont know what I should be doing, or perhaps I am just not ready to be thinking about all of this but I am really FREAKING OUT in not having a direction.

I will need to tell my family what happened soon, but I want to have a plan when I do so, and I dont have one.

I am a big mess. :(

Torts grades are out

I've been processing this for 24 hours. Our Torts grades came out, a full MONTH ahead of schedule on Tuesday night.

Unforunately, I did not pass.

I got a C+ on the final, and an overall C, 73.3% in the course. I needed a B-, or 77% overall grade in the course.
So, what does this mean?

I need an overal 2.3gpa, including my summer school courses from last year. Currently I am hovering right under a 2.0. That's a huge gap.
In order to pass now, I'll need a straight B in my other two classes (Contracts and Professional Responsibility [Ethics]) . I'm thinking that's pretty unlikely. I may possibly get a B in Ethics, but I felt like I got a pretty solid C walking out of Contracts. So... that doesn't work.

After meeting with the Dean today, i have discovered I am not eligible to petition to move forward on probation. You are only allowed to enroll on probation ONCE, and this year was apparently considered probationary.

One freaking bad move after another. (In regards to summer school...) I should have recognized that everything going on with David I should have waited. But... I just wanted to be in school SO BADLY because of how humiliated I was at Western and everything that happened there.
I'm in a much better mental state now than I was in a year ago ( for sure, since a year ago I was in the fetal position in the shower crying over David.) and a much better student. But not good enough.

So, I have to sit and wait it out, wait for the grades to come in, 1 down, 2 to go. They will come in sometime in the next 2 weeks. Then, depending on what my grade is, in a worst case scenario, which is the most likely at this point, is I will be out of Lincoln, and needing to make a decision about my life as a whole.

Frankly, if I'm not in law school, I don't have a clue what to do with my life. I know I want a graduate degree. So...? But is any grad school going to take me at this point with these blemishes on my record now? And what degree? i don't even know what I would apply for. I looked at Sac State's website, and it looked like they required a 3.0 in your last 60 units for most of the degrees that were in any way remotely interesting to me. But I don't know if I have that because Sac State got rid of the old web program that kept track of our grades and I don't know what I had. I know my overall was a 2.9 or something. Maybe Government. I'll need a copy of my transcripts and I'll need to take the GRE exam first. I'll be out of school at least a year.

I feel lost and kind of confused. I hate being back here again. No direction. Nothing positive to say or look forward to. Don't know what I want to do with my life.

And somehow people have still said to me in the last few weeks that they envied me. WHY?

The other option, is to study and pass the the baby bar in october and just re-apply to Lincoln, since I already know the first year material. (If I were a 1st time 1st year, I'd be fine right now. Ecstatic even with my grades.)

I don't think it's fair that I should be held to the prior law student standard of a 2.3 when I didn't receive a full year of instruction at Western and was only there 3.5-4 months. Sigh.

I have to wait for the grades and see what's what. In the meantime. I dont know what I am doing.

180's

I crossed over! I am officially in the 180's, barely!!! 189.8 WHEWHOO!

ME AND THE KIDS

Just another day with me and the kiddos. I decided it was time for a family picture so when we were outside for Recess I put the camera on a table and took this on the timer. Don't we look like TRIPLETS?! No one will know they are adopted. Because we are all white with red hair, SEE?! TRIPLETS! Yisserree bob!

Ok, and just for fun, this is me in my new workout outfit. I've been wearing it for a few weeks (I went down a size in the stretchy work out clothes) I have this thing where I MUST work out in tank tops, and if they are loose they bother me because you can see my sports top/bra thing so it needs to be fitted. And then my shorts, I can't wear normal shorts because I'll get a heat rash and if I wear pants i am too hot. Nobody seems to sell work out capris anymore so this is what I am doing now.

I am mad though because I am up a pound today. Pooh.

My friend Michelle graduated from Sac State today, and I met her family in the stands at Arco Arena and watched her graduation for the whole two hours (Whewhoo for chairs and air conditioning!!) and then had dinner with her family and friends at the Broiler Restaurant in downtown Sacramento.

It was uber-fancy, so I must tell you about my meal.

Appetizers of fried kalamari (ick) and bleu creese, crustini, dried cherries, bread and butter.

Then, we started with a baby spinach salad with glazed walnuts, mushrooms ( icky), bacon, and bleu cheese with a balsamic vinagrette. Tasty.

Main course I had filet mingon, with colcoceee (something) mashed potatos, and baby bok choy. The filet was awesome, the mashed potatos were stunning and the bok choy was new to me and was just fine.

Then we finished with marble chocolate/vanilla cake, fresh strawberry filling, and coffee. (Decaf for me, with cream, no sugar.)

Then my friend Michelle and I and her friends Kate and Larissa who I hadn't met before gabbed in the parking garage for almost FOUR HOURS until well after midnight, at which point when we tried to go- the garage was LOCKED!!! SERSIOUSLy. We almost called 911. THere was only one way out and there was this floor to ceiling gate. But then someone heard us talking and someone in the kitchen of the restuarant or something came out and turned the door on and let us out. PHEW! Scary for a minute there.

So here is a picture of me and Michelle at the arena after she graduated. Tomorrow I have a short wedding, and then sunday I have a long wedding. Pooh. Okie dokie, nighty night :)

ONE YEAR

One year ago yesterday, this first picture of me was taken. I know it's not a good picture of my body, but you can see my face at least. I weighed 233 pounds. (I'm in the middle in the blue shirt, my niece Rachel is standing in front of me)

This picture was taken yesterday. I weighed in at 192 pounds this morning, which is 41 pounds in total lost.

One year ago TODAY David and I broke up. I have gone through today "ok" I guess. No tears, no break downs, just a headache, a bath and a couple of naps. I have been REALLY tired with this weird schedule I started staying up until all hours of the night studying and getting up early- I can't seem to break the habit. I was so tired this morning I felt like I had the flu- my body ached, my head hurt, I was shakey- yuck. So I don't think all of that was about David but I suppose it could. I started to get upset when I realized that today, like I did one year ago I went to the Ikea shopping center- David and I went there, and then to dinner, and then for a walk, and then he took me home and then we "talked" for several hours. So when I realized I had inadvertently headed to the same spot, just to run an errand I started to get upset but I stuffed it.

I am unhappy ( in that respect) and I miss him but I guess I am getting better. Sigh. I'd give anything for a hug.