A Second Update

I just realized my latest post doesn't make total sense, because I left you hanging last time. Matt came over that day in August, and it was like nothing was wrong. We went to get him a caffinated drink because he had a headache, and went for a little walk, and we went to PetSmart with the cat (he even rode in my car!) and walked him around on a leash, and we picked out a new pet fish, a red betta named Marlin. Actually, Matt picked out one fish, and picked another, and we held both up to Tootie and let him choose which fishy he wanted for a baby brother. He picked Matt's fish, of course. Everything was fine. He told me I was his best friend. He was optimistic about us, and said that he just needed to try and think about the situation differently and maybe he could cope with the stress. He came and visited again in September too, and that was great too. Everything was fine.

And we broke up, over the phone, basically over the long distance thing again. He just can't handle it. Doesn't want to do it. Doesn't want to even try. Just not capable.

So that was it.

Just Plain Old Not Happy

So, you knew it was coming, or some of you already knew it happened, but Matt and I finally actually broke up. We have been broken up for one week- it happened last Monday. We actually never even finished the break up conversation, we got half way through it and he had to go because he was doing an overtime shift at a Cal Trans site. He said he would call back when he could, but never had time. We texted some on Tuesday, and I tried reaching him Wednesday without success, and finally just sent him a final text message, "Be Safe. Good Night. I love you." And that was all I planned on doing, again.

Saturday I did this wedding in Sonoma, in the Napa Valley. I was sitting on the sidewalk outside the bride's room photographing the rings and the bridal bouquet, when my phone started going off. I had a text message from Matt, saying his dad was back in the hospital.

I didn't know how to respond... We're not really together, even though we didn't finish our talk, and so I didn't know what my role was supposed to be. But I didn't want him to feel like I didn't care, because I do.

So I said I was really sorry, and asked what happened, and he said he didn't really know, just that one side went numb and he was on his way over then. So I told him it sounded like a stroke again to me, and that I was really very sorry and to let me know if he needed anything. He said Thanks, and I sent him one last one and asked that he keep me updated.

I haven't heard from him since, so I don't know what's going on, and I am worried. I love him, and I worry about him. Nobody takes care of him, and he just takes on everyone else's stress. It's not good for him. But it's not my place right now to intervene or participate in this... At least I don't think so... I just don't know.

I didn't ever get an update on the situation, so I did decide to give him a call this afternoon and check in. I just left him a voicemail message that I was thinking about his dad and wondering if he was ok, and just that... I was thinking about them.

So it's the middle of the night, I'm laying here thinking about him, and worrying about his dad, and just missing him SO much. I just really do love him, and just can't help but hold on to that so confident thought that I have had these last 5 months we have been together that he is the right person for me. And I feel lost without him. I am handling it very well actually... thanks to my medication probably. But right now, I just feel like part of me is missing. And I don't know how to find it again, and I don't know that I will ever get it back. And that is what makes my soul ache.

Now what?

Matt is coming over on Friday. He's made it clear we are breaking up because of the stress the distance puts on him. I am extremely unhappy and am having a very difficult time. I feel very defeated and really feel there is no point in trying again with someone else. Matt is the epitomy of what I want in a partner, and I am everything he wants, and it still isn't going to work out. Why bother trying if even the perfect person for me can't be with me? All of my dreams were coming true in one amazing blink of an eye, and with an equally quick swoop they are being taken away, yet again. I can't keep doing this. And I don't want to. Maybe dreams are "dreams" for a reason.

I had an interview last week with a family law firm, which is yet another job I did not get, but the interview itself, and the attorney who interviewed me were very inspiring. I contacted the admissions office at McGeorge School of Law here in Sacramento and had an appointment with the Dean of Admissions about my situation. He said I do not need to take the baby bar exam and in fact, he advises against it. He said I am eligible to reapply to law school as a first time student after a 2 year waiting period. It has already been a year, and he advised me to begin appying to schools this fall. He also told me to take the LSAT (law school admissions exam) again. He said the things that happened to me in school were extreme and the admissions council would be sympathetic to that, but I would still need to prove I have the academic capability of suceeding in school. In other words, take the LSAT again, and do VERY well. he also said having an attorney write my recocmendation letter- personally vouching for me would go far. He was very positive about that firm I applied at, since it's a one attorney firm I would get a TON of hands-on training and the experience would be invaluable. But I didn't get the job.

If I started over, I could REALLY start over... I could apply to any school I wanted- I wouldn't be limited to my state accredited school. I could go anywhere. Even McGeorge. (Where I had my appointment.) But that also means starting over from scratch. Right back to when I was 22, studying for the LSAT with a bunch of other fresh faced college graduates. It feels like a big step back. But it could also be a big step forward... The advisor wanted me to apply this fall, to start in the fall of 2010, but I think that is too soon. My personal situation has not been smoothed over yet and I'm not ready to committ. I'm not well yet and I am still figuring this depression stuff out. At least I can frankly look at my situation and recognize that now. A couple of years ago I couldn't... and that's how I got into this mess.

Now what do I do? School is encouraging... the Matt situation breaks my heart and I feel myself loosing all of the faith I had left in my future personal happiness...

Sick

I am just plain old sick. Not sick with a cold. But sick in that I feel horrible- it's the depression stuff. I had a really bad time a few weeks ago and it was REALLY bad, and then gave me a second medication to try and help me. Which it was, but today I got swept up in some drama with Matt ( maybe not drama, but it made me upset, so that's what I am calling it.) and I completely forgot to take my medication all day, and I am supposed to do two separate doses twice a day of two dierent kids of medication and I forgot all of it until after 10pm, when I was feeling really weepy and awful... and then I remembered. I wonder if just missing it one day like that could make me feel that awful that fast. I don't know. Anybody know?

Anyway, I just feel horrible. Really down, really sad, weepy, unmotivated, exhausted. I'm just so tired. And today it was worse because I laid down and I fell asleep for a moment and instantly woke up startled, like, I jumped a foot off the bed kind of thing. That happened every single time I started to fall asleep. I'd drift off and JUMP! One time I like punched my fist, or hit myself, or the bed, or I don't know what, but it was weird. It was hard to not feel good and then not get relief from taking a nap.

I didn't talk to Matt yesterday, and he started messaging me first thing this morning, and that was great. But after an hour or so he dropped a bomb on me, that he needed to save money because he might buy a house. I got really upset, and he didn't answer my messages for almost 2 hours. I called and left messages and texted and said he needed to call me. And he called and he said, well 99% of the reason he moved was for his dad but it was also because he misses him family and being there these 6 weeks has made him even closer to them, and he wants to keep his options open and save money so he can buy a house, and then he will sell this one.

I feel really deceived. All this time I have taken him at his word that he has been too busy, and that he is miserable all the time and work is awful. And then today he told me he doesn't miss his old office at all and that it is great to work up there because it is so beautiful there, and that he has more friends there than here, because there are family friends there. And being there these 6 weeks has brought him so much closer to his family and if he is down here he can't see them whenever he wants.

I feel like he is forcing himself into choosing between me and his family and that is ridiculous, he doesn't have to do that. If he lives here he can see them whenever he wants. But he says he can't. I don't understand.

I am really, REALLY upset. I picked wrong again. How did I pick the wrong guy again? As a person he is perfect for me, and yet he is so overly involved in his family he would rather be a single bachelor for the rest of his life and live down the street from them than try to build a life and family of his own with me- and still see his family. He can have it both ways... he just can't have it up there like that. If he feels this disconnected and distant from me and so close to them after 6 weeks that he has already gone back on what we discussed about not buying a house there at least until the 6 months were up and only if his dad was in bad shape.... if he is already like this after 6 weeks... how could we possibly be together these 4.5 months he at least has left if he has already pulled away so much? He needs to change what he is doing, since he apparently could call me and communicate with me more than he has. He told me today he is a bad communicator. No, really?

He told me on Friday that his dad is getting back to his old self and is much better.

I feel heartbroken. I don't know what to do. Why does this keep happening to me? What am I doing wrong? How am I picking them wrong? He is so right for me. He was everything I wanted and more. He would be a wonderful partner and father and provider, and he loves me. And... I don't understand. I am so upset. I feel lost. I don't know what's going to happen. I didn't know I could be in a relationship where we were both crazy about each other, and loved each other and someone could tell me things like they love me and think I'm beautiful and want to be with me forever... and then tell me that they are considering moving 2 hours away so they can see their family every day and just cut us off, just like that.

I am so hurt. :(

Raspberry Cream Torte

There is this cake at Freeport Bakery here in Sacramento that we frequently get for birthdays. It is called a Raspberry cream torte. It is a chocolate cake on the bottom, and then like 4 or 5 inches of fluffy raspberry whipped cream stuff, and then the entire thing is covered in chocolate ganche.


A couple of weeks after Matt and I started dating, he cooked me dinner, and I spent the several days prior working on my dessert- my own version of a raspberry cream torte!


I took one small carton of heavy whipping cream, sweetened it with a bit of granulated sugar I think, and mixed in mashed up fresh raspberries and raspbery jam when I whipped it stiff. I believe it naturally turned pink, but you can dye it if it's not pink enough for you. Actually, I think I might have used two small cartons for this one, since there were so many layers.

Then I baked two chocolate cakes from mixes- they were like a $1, so it was cheap, and I"ve never been successful at making any chocolate flavored baking item like that anyway for some reason. I only had one pan, so I had to bake and cool them one at a time. Once that was done, I cut each cake in half horizontally, so I then had 4 cakes. I put each on parchment paper, and then spread a mixture of mashed fresh raspberries, and raspbery jam/preserves on the top of each one and let it sit in the fridge like that overnight.


It took me maybe 3 or 4 days to totally finish this cake because I wanted to take great care in doing it right, and making sure it was as flavorful as possible.



Plus I always bake at night, so eventually you have to go to bed too. Cake also works better when it is a bit dried out, so it doesn't crumble when you stack it.



Then I started stacking the raspberry soaked layers. I filled up a pastry bag with my raspberry cream, and made nice thick layers in between each cake. I started off with making a "dam" around the edge of each layer, just a half inch or inch in from the edge so it wouldn't squirt out. (This is why everything should be cold when you are working with it too. I actually put the cakes in the freezer for awhile before I started doing this.) then I filled up the middle with filling, making a high, high layer of cream in the middle of each. So there are a total of 7 layers in all.

I did this in layers by the way, because I could not think of a way to pour ganche straight onto the cream like the bakery cake without melting it all.


Then I stuck the cake in the freezer for awhile so it was cold and protected from melting for the next part.


Then you make the ganache. I used a big bag of hershey's semi sweet chocolate chips, and melted them in the microwave with some oil. I make a chocolate peanut butter pie (in the archives) that has a oil/chocolate top, and i've never had luck making real ganache in the past, so i did it this way, since I knew it was easy.


I dumped a bunch on top and make a crumb coat layer, essentially, just like you would with buttercream. I let that set a bit ( and i the cake is too cold then the chocolate hardens up really quick and can be hard to spread, so it's a careful balance. I just made it work how it was. It does need to be cold tho.) Once it was set, I did another layer, and covered it until it was pretty. I used the leftover cream to pipe on the top with the star tip, and lacking anything else to write, wrote "ME" since i made it. Volia! I let it sit in the fridge overnight again so the layers could really mesh and blend together, and the cake was amazing. Matty loved it! :)

And just for fun here are the pretty flowers Matt gave me that night. :) I dried them so I still have them.

Pre-Interview Post!

I did it! Finally after 8 months of applying for jobs, I finally got an interview at a non-bogus/sketchy company. YAY! This job is for a Records Clerk at an environmental law firm. I am not into environmental law, but a law firm is a law firm and I really need a job. In the back of my head I am saying to myself that I will keep applying for jobs at the state even if I get this job. But it will all depend on pay. I have no idea what ths job pays. By the looks of the company, they are VERY large (400 lawyers! across several states too!) and therefore may be able to adequately compensate their employees. They've worked on alot of high profile cases (they list them on their website) including the lawsuit against Wendy's for the lady who claimed to find a human finger in her chilli. (She had planted it there in order to scheme money and is in prison now folks, so never fear.) So that is very exciting. It could be a very significant employer to put on my resume if they are as well known as a I suspect they may be. I am very excited to even be interviewed.

I hope:

that it is an awesome place to work.

that I would love the job.

that it pays what I want and/or need it to.

that I get the job.

that I am super happy.

that it doesn't affect my ability to see my Matty......


Interview is downtown at 130pm. Hope I can find parking!!!