Swept off my Feet..

Around the beginning or middle of February, I heard from Matt again. He was traveling to Sacramento for a hearing. We went back and forth over text a bit and then he called too- which was significant because for the last few months I had mostly not heard from him. I texted or called and for the most part, didn't hear back. When I did hear back from him, he sounded so depressed and down... I was concerned. So I kept checking in with him.

When I heard from him in February, he thanked me profusely for not giving up on him and continuing to text and call and check in even though he wasn't able to answer... He said it meant so much to him. He said he loced talking to me and was so glad that we had finally been able to talk. He told me there wasn't anyone for him but me and there wasn't anyone he would be with, but me, and he wanted to be with me forever.

While we were apart, Matt's dog died- his dauchsund broke his back playing with his other dog and he had to be put down. Right after that, Matt lost his job. In January, he panicked and sold his house for a HUGE loss because he was afraid he couldn't pay the mortgage without his job. Between his house and car, he had at least $6,000 going out each month, and his unemployment wasn't anywhere near that. It was a really bad situation.

He told me that I was the last person to hug him. He said that when he lost his house, he felt like there wasn't any use bothering with anything anymore because he didn't have anything in his life because he didn't have me. He told me, more than anything, he wanted his best friend back. He vowed that although he knew he did not deserve my trust or confidence, he would do everything he could to earn it. He told me he loved me. He told me that last fall when he said his feelings for me had "changed," that it wasn't true. His feelings had never changed. He had always loved me and felt he always would. He told me he always thought we were a match, from the beginning. He said that he didnt ave an explaination for his behavior before, that it was mean and cruel and he was very sorry.

We talked for about a week and then he came down to visit, and go to his hearing. He came on really strong while he was here, but we had agreed to be friends first before officially getting back together. I told him he was welcome to stay here since the hearing was early in the morning and he lives so many hours away and I set up the pull-out couch for him. He couldn't give his whole self to someone/a relationship when he wasn't a whole person yet. He said that he needed to fix his life first, but that once he did we could make things official and get on with our life. He said he wouldn't propose soon, but once things were straightened out it would all be good. We started slow, and we drove out and got a pizza and sat in the rain and talked for over an hour. (Pizza line was slow.) We went back to the house and watched a movie and ate the pizza and just talked and kept things light. Before he came, he said that it was really important to him that he just be able to relax and keep calm so he was ready for his hearing. He said he knew that we had ALOT to talk about, and that I especially needed to talk, but he promised that if we could just keep things lighthearted this trip, he would be back Friday, or the week after next for us to spend some quality time together and talk.

Everything was looking really good and I was REALLY happy and optimistic. I knew that this would happen.. that he would come back. I knew it in my gut and that's why I have held on to all of this during all this time- because I felt he was the one for me and we belonged together and we could survive this- he just needed some time.


I started looking at wedding things a bit again, and started designing this blog header since this blog would be "ours" instead of just "mine" soon. :) I was still working on it, but I felt like this was pretty good so far. We don't have nearly enough pictures of the two of us together. I felt like I was living in a fairy tale...

But, that Friday he said he wanted to come? Turned out to be his grandparent's birthday party so he couldn't. Then he was supposed to come down two weeks from the point of our first new visit. He got an interview in Portland with ATF- Alcohol, Tabbacco and Firearm's, which is a federal agency like the FBI, or CIA. That was on Wednesday, and around a 8 or 9 hour drive. We talked about me driving up with him, but I had injured my foot and he didn't think it was a good idea. He said I could come the next time. :)





So he got back from his trip... and he seemed a little distant. Thursday went by and he hadn't told me when he was coming to visit. I asked him directly and he said that he had gotten a call from ATF to take a physical in Sacramento the NEXT week (which was this week) and because of committments- money, family, etc he wanted to save our trip and see me then. I was not happy about that. In all the time we have been long distance, he has never come down JUST to see me and me alone. There was always a hearing, work, doctor's appointment, etc. I was not happy, but gave up. He seemed cranky and I asked him if he was ok and he said he just needed some space and time, so I gave him a couple days.



His doctor's appointment was supposed to be this Wednesday. So on Tuesday I contacted him and asked him when i should expect him. He informed me that he had been able to get the physical done in Redding the day before. I was stunned. I asked him if he was still coming and he said, "not tomorrow." And said he didn't know when he would be coming or how long it would be until he did.


We talked most of Wednesday and it was not good. He was being very negative. He kept saying that I desvered better than him, and that I really did not need him in my life. He apologized to me for being "him," and not coming. I told him I needed someone to talk to- that I needed to talk to him, in person and discuss everything and he said there wasn't anything to discuss. I told him I had things I needed to talk to him about and he said that well he didn't. And that he felt that it counts as a discussion even if all of his answers are "I don't know."

We were talking and he kept saying something about he wants a friendship and I want something more... I said, well yeah, but not until after you are all settled and back on track, like we planned. I didn't really get a response. Alarm bells were going off in my head and after awhile I asked him if he still wanted to be with me once things were straighted out.

He said he didn't know.

I couldn't believe it. He said he didn't know what happened. He didn't know what he wanted. I of course took this as a straight out rejection and went in a downward spiral of blaming everything on myself and saying he didn't have to pity me or talk to me and I wouldn't be bothering him anymore. He said I wasnt bothering him and he wasn't taking pity on me and that he did love me.

My dad's fiance is in the hospital. She might need a liver transplant. They don't know why. She is bright, freakishly yellow- yellow enough that the liver unit at UCLA kept commenting on how extreme she looked- and how coherent she was for how sick she was. I was upset about all of this. My mom's rhumatoid arthritis is really bad. she can't hold a spoon in her right hand anymore and had a get a tricycle for grown ups. It is funny though, she rides her trike in the driveway with the 3 year old next door! LOL

I told Matt about all of this and that I was really just cracking under the financial stress and the stress over our disagreement and that we really need to speak in person and I really needed a friend to lean on. This is when he started saying he "wasn't ready." I asked him what that meant and he said it means he is not ready to meet. I asked him if we could just hang out and just talk and he said that no, he wasn't ready for that. I asked him where this was coming from- he has just seen me 3 weeks before and was all over me like a love sick puppy. He told me me being pushy was not helping. I asked if I just showed up on Thursday in Redding if he would see me. He said, again, he wasn't ready. I don't know what that means! He also told me that he was getting rid of the puppy he got in January to replace his dog that died. He said he didn't have patience for the dog and that the dog was worthless and he was going to sell him. His other dog was really depressed after Bailey died... I don't know how she will be without the pup now too.

Thursday I got up, and basically looked at my nasty flithy house and had a nervous breakdown. I had a $500 insurance bill in the mail and a note taped to my door that they were spraying for bugs on Friday and I needed to empty the house of food and clean out all the cupboards and take the animals out for at least two hours. (Where do I go with two cats and a FISH for 2 hours??)

I left. I got in my car and drive to Redding. I texted him and told him what happened and that I was there. I asked if he was mad, he said no, but that he still wasn't ready. This went back and forth for awhile, all the while I am bawling in my car in the parking lot at In-n-Out.


The last few messages he sent to me were that he was very frustrated and that he was frustrated that I didn't call and just came and told him afterwards. He wouldn't see me. I left around 730pm that night and drove home. I left him a VM and told him how upset I was and I was sorry he was mad but I was upset and just needed a hug from my best friend and some comfort.



Haven't heard from him since. I have no feelings of how this will go. A big part of me thinks I will never hear from him again. I have no idea what happened. I'm not going to initiate contact. I won't. I won't, I won't I won't. (Trying to will myself here.)

Last night I was very angry and thought that this has to be over because how can I forgive him for all that he has done in the last week? I needed him and he wasn't there... He told me all thoe wonderful things and then took it all back. How do I forgive that?


Then I talked to some people online last night and they pointed out all of his erradic behavior and irrational thinking are all basic monkiers of depression. DUH. Now I feel a tiny bit guilty, because I know that when I am in the pit of depression, I can't do anything or see anyone either- and i can't control it. I have sympathy for that. Althought Matt said that while we were apart he was just so sad... and the last time he was happy was with me... I still don't think he recognizes he is depressed, clinically depressed anyway. And I think he is...


Today I feel desperate to see him, talking to him, hug him and hold him. But I can't.

I don't know if Matt is justified in behaving this way because of his life circumstances... if he is such a terrible coper, , how can he be expected to comfort and take care of someone else? If he can't even take care of himself? If he is so messed up he can't even drive 15 minutes or whatever cross town to see someone he says is his best friend in the world, and who makes him happy- how can he be expected to do anything?

But here's what I don't know. Is he a selfish person? Is he a selfish, self-centered, self absorbed, self serving person? Is this who he truly is as a person? Is he truly flakey and dismissive? OR is this all because of all the things that happened this year? Before 2009, Matt had 5 years of boring nothing, no dating, no drama, no health problems. He met me last Feburary, things were great, and then in June his dad had the stroke. He has been increasingly "in his own world" since then. Is that because of the circumstances? Or is that his true personality showing through?

I still can't help but feel he is my partner.... I'm so confused. And I miss him now, desperately... I'd give anything to hear from him right now...

It could have been better!

I just returned from the grocery store, Safeway, and I did "ok." I got home and realized that if I had split up my transaction one more time (I did 3 orders) I could have gotten another catalina for $3.50. So now I am sad. :( But I was happy before! ...But now I am sad. :(

Here is is how I did anyway!

I got:

13 boxes of Betty Crocker/Kellogg's Fruit Snacks (Gushers, Fruit by the Foot, etc.)
8 cans of Pilsbury Grand's Jr Buttermilk Biscuits (Raincheck, .39 each, .30 off 2 coupons)
5 bags of Nut Clusters (I thought these would be free, but I paid 50 cents each)
3 boxes of Raisin Bran Extra
2 Kraft 2% Square Cheese (Reg. $5, Sale 2 for $3)
2 boxes of Kix Cereal
2 boxes of Rice Krispies
2 boxes of Frosted Mini Wheats
1 box of Corn Flakes
1 box of DiGiorno Supreme Pizza

The total for all of this before coupons, club card and sales was:

$105.55

Want to know what my total was?

Well, I didn't do as good as Kristin, my order WAS over .25 cents, but I did get all of this loot for $22.90. For a total savings of $82.65, which is around 80% off.

The total would have been 19.40 if I had paid closer attention to the Catalinas. (I had read it as buy MORE than 5 of X, and get a $3.50 Catalina. Well, apparently it said, buy 5 or more- I had bought 10, so I could have split them up into two transactions and gotten $7 in Catalinas instead of $3.50. Rats.)

Anyway, in total I brought home 39 items. 39 items divided by $22.90 in total spent brings the cost of each item to 58 cents each. Not so bad I guess!

Ok, but here's another problem. The pizza? I have no idea where that came from. I unloaded my groceries at home and there was this pizza box in there. I never even went down the freezer aisle during my trip, and I've never bought a DiGiorno Pizza in my life so I know I didn't buy it and then spontaneously develop amnesia! It was in a bag with all my other groceries, but I don't see it on any of my receipts. My best guess is it was left at the register by someone else, who bought it or decided not to buy it, and the manager, who packed my bag didn't realize and put it in with my stuff? I walked out of Safeway as it was closing at midnight, so the pizza is currently in my freezer. What should I do with it? Do I return it to the store, or do I take this as a donation to the "Poor Emily Fund" since I haven't had income in 6 months now?

I can't believe I have been basically unemployed for six months now... Wow. That's a long time! And yet, I still have just as much work as I ever did!

Woot! Woot!

Here is what my menu has been looking like lately to get me back on the wagon:

Saturday

French: Beefstock based French Onion Soup (Campbells) topped with a slice of Reduced Fat Jarlesburg (type of swiss cheese) with garlic cheese croutons (Trader Joe's, AMAZING, 25 calories per 2-3).

Snack: Reduced Fat Ritz crackers- I was STARVING all night.

Sunday

Mexican Tortilla-Less Fajiitas: Pan grilled chicken, zuchini, red onion, with chilli oil/hot sauce and garlic salt over guacamole (Avocado + Garlic Salt).

British Indian- Chicken Tikka Masala: Pan grilled zuchini, red onion and chicken with Tikka Masala sauce (flavorful spicy tomato based sauce) over basmati jasmine rice with a little Daisy light sour cream.

Monday

Chinese- Pretend Sweet n' Sour Chicken: Pan grilled zuchini, red onion, broccili, green onion and chicken over leftover basmati jasmine rice topped with Sweet Chili Sauce. (Translucent Orange syrupy stuff. Very similiar to Sweet & Sour Sauce or whatever.)

And guess what... I weighed in right before I ate tonight and I was 175.6! AHHHH! :D

I am not feeling the comment love people! last 3 posts are all NEW! New! NEW!

Oh, boy.

I don't know what to do!

I am trying to get back on the SKINNY WAGON and I am seriously struggling.

My lowest weight ever (like in my life since I was like, 12) was 167.4 and that was in July or August I think. I have been exercising the last few weeks and I am like 178-179 and I feel pretty yucky in my clothes. It is hard to remind myself that I weigh much less now than I used to- and that I actually weigh what it says on my driver's license- which was a lie when I put it on there- at 16! (It says 179. I jut picked a random number at the DMV. lol) Those are all good things! Great things! But it is hard to remember when you know what it was like 11 pounds lighter and how different your body looked and felt. It was very weird.

Here is something odd, that I have realized as I have lost weight. When I was a size 18, and I lost like, 5 pounds, or even 10 pounds, I could look in the mirror at myself, at my tummy, and see NO difference at all.





(I am sorry I have no clothes on. I could not figure out how to get my model dressed. Virtual Emily is from MyVirtualModel http://www.mvm.com/ I used to use this as a weight loss motivator because you make her look like you and then you can adjust her weight to see what you look like now or skinnier, etc.)

The more weight I have lost, the more apparent weight fluctuations are to me. At 170 I could look in the mirror and tell instantly if I was bloated or was up even a single pound. I could tell- my body looked different. I always thought those skinny girls were lying when they would say that they were having a "fat day" or that they looked bloated. But it is so true!



I have found that the 170-180 is a VERY pivotal weight range for me. It's the difference between me being able to see the pounds and not. It's the place where my belly goes from rounded to straight down. It's the difference between fitting perfectly and cutely and adorably into a size 10, and skipping straight back to a 14.

Side note, I'm still stuffed into a Size 10. LOL

Ok, so philosophical thoughts aside, I'm confused as to what to do to get going. Because I've been working out consistently for probably around a month with I'm sure some fitness benefits, but no weight loss, or difference in my clothes.



So I think I need to make some major dietary changes to get going. And to make myself not so hungry all the time and wanting to snack. I also know that I don't drink NEARLY enough water. The medications I am on make me dehydrated- and the one that has the worst dehrdration related side effects is also the one they are like tripling in dosage. So I REALLY have to increase my water intake. By ALOT. But I don't feel thirsty... I just get all of those other lovely things that happen when you don't drink enough, if you catch my drift. Ugh.



I am sure I have reduced my caloric intake by at least some, but I need a more drastic cut. Also, I really need that first week weight loss like on the Biggest Loser to get motivated here. I have never desired that, but man would it sure help right now! I also think my diet is severely lacking in protein, and vegetables at the moment. I do eat veggies, and have them in the fridge, and had veggies fajitas the other night, etc., but if I am supposed to be following the food pyramid, I am not anywhere close.



I also really like buying fruit, and then letting it sit in the fridge untouched for 6 months to a year. Hmmm. Ok, maybe not that long, but close. I don't mind fruit, but I just don't tend to eat it, no matter how good my intentions are. Or I will eat a little bit for a couple days and then forget about it. I'm just not a big fan of fruit. If I am at a party and there is a big platter of it, I'll totally fill up on it. I eat it at weddings all the time. But not at home...



I think I need to like drink a really low cal soupy broth for a few days, to help curb the cravings. I was thinking chiken broth, and maybe throw some carrotts, celery, etc. in so I get to chew. (I LOVE to chew! I have noticed this to be an issue if I try Slim Fast shakes. I will be full and happy after drinking it, but I will desperately be dying to chew something. lol) Anyway, I thought that if I had some soup or something instead of an actual snack inbetween meals I would get my water intake up, and reduce my caloric intake whilst still being satisfied.

But then i was worried about all the sodium in chicken broth, or it's alternatives.

Who has some ideas they would like to share with me?

I was a very nice girl and I added lots of pictures to entertain you since I know it is boring just to read all my writing. I talk too much. And write too much!

For Girls ONLY!

Ok, so I have lost quite a bit of weight over the last few years. I started seriously dieting and exercising in May of 2007 when I hit my highest weight ever, of 233 pounds. (I'm only 5 foot 5 by the way.)

Here is a picture of me from then.

Here is another gross picture of me from about 6 months earlier (11/2006), I weighed a little less here, maybe in the 220's? But it's a clearer picture of me. (The other was at my Uncle's wedding, which I was working at, and I am cropped out of a crowd of 50 people or something.



Here I am in May of 2008 or so. I had just hit 197 or something I think? maybe it was 194. I was at least in the 190's.





And then Kristin took the picture of me in an apple orchard near some mental institution. So fitting, right? LOL This is October, 2009.


Ok, now one more time...

and 170ish.

Weird, huh?

Pretty sure we all know I am having some serious financial struggles- feel free to click on those google ads to your right, I get $$ everytime you click on them. Let's help pay Emily's electric bill!

Anyway, so since I have lost weight, (and this is why this post is for girls only) my bra size has changed. At that top picture, I was like a 38 DD, or a 40 D. Mostly I wore 38's.

The bottom picture? I was a 32FF. Um, big change. (Now I am more like a 34).

So my bras don't fit. I have all these millons of bras, which we all know cost a fortune, and they don't fit. But I couldn't bear to throw them away or donate them or whatever since they were all in perfectly fine condition. So I have been holding on to them for literally, years.

I was digging through my drawers yesterday and I really seriously needed some bras. so then I started staring at the too-big ones. And then I thought- well, I know the cups fit, it's just the band sizes that don't fit- so guess what I did?!

I took my bras IN! :-O (pause for gasp)

I know, right? BRILLIANT!

I took a bra that fits me well, and measured it against one that was too big, pinned it so they were the same size, folded the big bra's band size over, and sewed down- leaving a two inch loop or whatever of of excess fabric. I did NOT cut off the excess, because i figured, you never know when you are going to change sizes again, for whatever reason, like weight gain (please no) or maybe a pregnancy (ok, that's fine). AND, being the careless sewer that I am, in case I screwed it up, I wanted that security blanket that if my new stitches came out for some reason (I did a straight stich twice, forwards and backwards, and a zig zag, so I don't think so, but I dunno!) that the original bra design would still hold.

I feel so brilliant! My favorite bra ever I got in Ireland, which seems to be the only place that makes good bras my size that don't cost a fortune, but I haven't been able to wear it (I bought it in 2004!) because it's too big. Well, no more! It fits perfect now and I am so excited! Whewhoo!

And no, since I am the only person who is going to be seeing these articles of clothing, I did not feel the need to match thread, nor do it tidily, NOR trim the threads before I took pictures. :D lol

That really is straight in real life.

Aren't I so smart? Yay for Emily!

I really want to go to In N Out now. Please?

Christmas!

Thank you Michelle for your awesome comment last time! I am so glad you don't think I am a crazy stalker for following your blog! :) lol

Sorry it's sideways, but here was the christmas tree at my sister's house, where we celebrated this year. I took this christmas eve from my "bed". (I slept on the couch. Didn't even hear Santa come in!)

Christmas morning. That's my brother in law Gil at the back, my Dad, my niece Jasmine, and my nephew Justin's bum sticking in there. lol You can also just barely see Clarence the dog's snout sticking in on the right side. He is my dad's pride and joy!

Ok, this was before Christmas, Jasmine and Justin came over to make gingerbread houses with me while their folks went to dinner for their anniversary. I forced Jasmine into wrapping presents. (hee hee) and Toulouse was trying to help, aka getting in the way and driving her nuts.

Here we are making gingerbread houses. Shocking I was able to come up with enough table space! lol Tootie was VERY interested, as you can see.

Here is our Christmas card from this year! Isn't it so cute!!!

Here is a quilt I sewed for my nieces with the help of Kristin's neighbor Nicole's Cricut machine for the letters, and then I embroidered the doggie on it. It looks so cute don't you think?

And yes, I did notice that I goofed and made bulldogs into two words instead of one. I am so sad it isn't flawless. :( The white part is muslin, and the orange and black are all flannel. Since my nieces are hitting high school now, one's a freshman, and one is in 8th grade now, but be there next year, I thought that they might like this to take to games and stuff!

Oh, ALSO, I need anybody that reads this to sign up for SWAGBUCKS! I have to come up with $1700 at LEAST to replace my camera within the next two weeks, and um, I haven't been paid since October. I'm living on my savings. Sort of a problem. if you sign up, and you USE it, you will earn lots of bucks which you can trade in for gift cards, and when you earn bucks, I get some of your bucks too, and then I can trade them in for gift cards to help pay for my camera!!! (My camera broke, and would cost more to fix than replace, unfortunately.)