You don't want to know what I have been thinking.

But I am going to subject you to it anyway. And I do know how everything sounds... and please try not to worry. I won't do these things. It's just how I feel. It is how I ache right now. I just want to be able to say how I feel. Because it helps people to understand how I am feeling so much better.

Wednesday, the day after was pretty terrible. I wanted to hurt. I couldn't stop crying, or crying out. I fantasized about taking too many pills... drinking nail polish remover... stabbing myself in the legs with a screwdriver... driving my car into a telephone pole on the freeway. Burning myself. Cutting myself. Shaving off all my skin. I wanted so badly for my physical pain to mirror my emotional one.

I had to work very hard, but I took (an appropriate amount) of medicine and went to sleep for several hours. Everything feels differently when you sleep. And my feelings weren't as intense when I woke up. I was by no means in a good place, but I think the immediate danger had passed. The sleep was restless though. I woke up several times and sat straight up in my sleep several times, screaming at the top of my lungs. In my haze I kept thinking someone had broken into my house.

I had a therapy appointment on Thursday. I haven't been sleeping well, obviously. I couldn't fall asleep until well after 5am and set the alarm for 11am so I wouldn't miss my appointment at 1pm. When I woke up it felt too early to get ready since I had no intention whatsoever of showering or changing my clothes. I ended up falling back asleep and waking up at 1pm on the nose. It was a 25 minute drive to the appointment. I had to pay a $50 copay to be seen for the remaining 20 minutes. I told her everything. She was sort of stunned, as have we all been. She just took control though and signed me up for some crisis intervention support out patient therapy thing. It's supposed to be like 3 hours a day. But when Kaiser says 3 hours, it usually means more like 5 hours. I think it's every day. I don't know how long it goes on or anything about it. I just know I felt dumped by my therapist when she said she wouldn't schedule me for another appointment with her until after my class was over. This makes no sense to me.

I keep trying to forget. But if I do, it's only for a few moments before the sound of that door slamming and the glass breaking rip through my ears again.

I still sleep with his shirt. It's all that is left of the man I loved. I hold it and I cry. It smells like him.

I rear-ended a woman today on the street. I was going fast. And not looking. I stood on the brakes but it wasn't enough and I hit her. We pulled over and there was virtually no damage at all to either of our cars. Some bird poop from my car to hers had been smeared on her bumper but that seemed to be it. It is amazing there was no damage. I was probably going 40mph and she was completely stopped.

She told me it was ok and I could go and I guess I started to get teary eyed and she said, "Oh, honey, no! Don't cry! It's ok!" And she grabbed me. And then I just started telling her everything. What he had done. What I felt I had to do. How much pain I was in. And I cried, and cried. She said to me she didn't know about me but she was a Christian and she told me to sit down on the hood of my car and we talked. If angels exist... I surely met one today. What happened on the side of the road today was nothing but... I don't know. An unbelievable act of kindness on her part.

I can't remember everything she said, even from the moment the conversation ended I was already fading, but the feeling of how important that conversation was stayed. The one thing she did stay that I managed to hold on to, was how there was a purpose and plan for everything, and that this was supposed to happen. It happened to teach me something. She said that the person I was in love with was no different than a character in a play or an actor in a movie. But that didn't mean he didn't care either. That after so much time together, it hard to believe anyone wouldn't care at that point. And that what this taught me, was the person I thought he was, is the person I am supposed to be with. That the image he portrayed to me is who I want in a partner, and that is my match. And I won't take anything less than that now that I know.

That's what she said. I can't believe it now. But I do hear it. And I will remember it. Right now, to trust anyone anymore is not possible. He even lied to me about his name. I have a stack of love letters here for him that he hadn't picked up yet. They are all address to Matt Timmons. Or Matthew J. Timmons. His real last name is Matthew D. Langford. Even his name was a lie. How?

It wasn't true.

For the last year and a half I have been crazy in love with my boyfriend Matt. I have had no doubts about our relationship. A few months back I just experienced this peace and calm over the ups and downs we had and I knew in my heart that this would work out and we would be married. That we were soul mates. I told him these things.

Yesterday I found out Matt was and is married. He has an 18 month old daughter named Hayden. The tattoo on his back I had to work so hard to accept (because I hate tattoos) that he told me was in memorium to a co-worker who died in the line of duty... wasn't true. The tattoo was of his daughter's name.

He lied to me about his last name.
His middle name.
His parents names.
He was never fired from his job as a CHP.
His dad never had a stroke.
His home was never foreclosed on.
He still lives in his home in Woodland with his wife and baby.
I can't even keep track of all the lies he told me.

When I found out, I drove to their home and I told his wife everything. It was awful. When I handed her a picture of him and I together, the picture at the top of this blog, his daughter pointed to the picture and said "Dada." The wife arranged for her dad to pick up the baby from the neighbor's house so she wouldn't be there during all of this. I had to hear her crying into the phone to her dad, "He cheated on me, Daddy." Over and over.

A slideshow of their wedding pictures played on the computer next to me. When I saw it I physically recoiled and nearly became sick.

His wife called Matt and asked him to come home immediately and she confronted him in front of me. He told her of course he loved her and of course she was good enough for him. She yelled at him that she had "known." That hadn't she said it before. He agreed that yes, she had. She tried to make him apologize to me for what he had done. He didn't, and never looked at me or even acknowledged I was there. He just stared at his wife with a stony, expressionless look on his face with his arms crossed over his chest.

He walked down the hall after she finished screaming and punched out a large 2 foot by 3 foot or larger framed glass picture with his hand. I think he then started kicking or punching the walls.

She thanked me for telling her the truth. She gave me back the picture of us together. I left. As I walked across the street I saw the neighbor with the baby and the wife's dad standing on the porch next door. They both turned to stare at me.

I found out today that his wife is LDS. I do not know if they were sealed in the temple. This was the worst part of it for me. Matt had told me he was Catholic. He told me he hated the LDS church and was not a big fan at all. If he broke his temple covenants by being with me... It would be the worst thing for me. I know the sacredness of those promises, even if I am not a member. It killed me to learn she was a member.

I am humiliated. I am ashamed. I am broken hearted. I lost what I thought was the love of my life. I have spent a good part of today wishing I was dead.

I had no idea. I never suspected. I feel like an idiot.

And I miss my Matty dearly. I love him. I am so in love with him. I cannot believe my sweet Matty is the same person as the man that did this. I love him.

But my Matty never existed. Or maybe he just died. Along with all of my hopes and dreams and plans. That is all dead now. And I probably won't ever know if he truly loved me. But I loved him. I love him... to the moon and back. And my heart is broken.

Frustrated and Freaked out

So, exciting news, I got pubished on the cover of a magazine. Which you can see over on my work blog--> http://www.eheizerphotography.com/ Which is awesome.

In non exciting news, I got myself all geared up to bite the bullet take the LSAT and start over with law school and now I am chickening out. I don't know what to do.

Beyond HAVING to take a $1300 prep course, which starts on Saturday, which I can't afford and am not registered for yet anyway, law school is a huge expense. I was looking at some legal documents today and I started feeling all freaked out that I am not smart enough to do this and I would be a bad lawyer if I even made it through school this time (third times the charm!) and would get in a huge amount of debt and wouldn't do the things I really want to go, like get married and be a mom.

Sigh.

I have sent in 69 applications in to the state to try and get a job as an analyst, because despite my fame (**big grin**) my income is really not stable and I hate that. I also hate working from home in my pig sty and never going anywhere or doing anything. If I can get a job with the state, all of those woes would be behind me and I could just work, which is something I actually love. I have always loved to work. Getting up and going to work is like, awesome to me. (As is sleeping in on Saturdays). If I got a state job, I would be able to save up the rest of the money for a down payment on a house very quickly. Then I could have my OWN space and my OWN home and it would be so much easier to keep everything sort of clean when you have more than 500 square feet to live in with your two cats and everything you've ever owned in your life right back to elementary school papers and don't forget my entire home based business... Then I could get a dog too, which I really want.

problem. if I go back to law school, am I going to excel in school if I have to work to pay a mortgage?

Mortgage would be pretty low, not much more than I pay for rent now and I have found a home I have absolutely fallen in love with. It's 1100 sq feet, single story, huge back yard, landscaped, has raised flower and vegetable beds and backs to the far field at an elementary school, so lots of privacy. The house is decorated/designed in a very kitschy style, very "Nienie Dialogues" if you know what I mean. the kitchen has yellow cabinets. But it totally works. Most awesomely the current owners have the same couches I do, so looking at their living room looks like I already live there. It's a short sale priced at $139,600. I'm sure it will be long gone before I am able to try to buy it. Which sucks.

But also remember... if I go back to law school, there is only one law school in Sacramento and if I didn't get in there, I would be moving in a year. Stupid to get a house.

I'm confused and overwhelmed. Matt is not doing any better. Now he is starting to like being by himself. He told me he was drinking tonight. At least he is with family so I know he's safe. I am very worried and just pray that CHP comes back to him soon and gives him his job back. We need that SO BAD. He needs it, but I need it too! It determines our whole future right now! Granted, he will eventually find another job if he has to, but getting his old job back changes everything and would happen immediately. With the market how it is, who knows how long it could take for him to find a new job, especially with him rotting in his pit of despair.

Did I mention I was lonely? :(

Meet me on Monday

From Java's Blog. I am feeling depressed, so try not to take my tone personally. (Basset Hound Face)

1. What is your favorite holiday?

I think Christmas for sure. But I like the prepartions leading up to Christmas, much better than Christmas Day itself. I like going to advent services and shopping and hiding and keeping fun secrets and baking and all that good stuff. I like the anticipation the best.

2. What color clothing do you wear the most?

Greeky, electricy, oceany blue.

3. What is your heritage?

I am 50% Swedish from my mother. Her grandparents came from Sweden. On my dad's side I am mostly German with some Scotish and English thrown in. My favorite part of myself is the Scotish part and I have decided that my hands are Scotish, since they are my favorite part of my body. (snort)

4. What is your middle name?

My mom's name is Andrea.
My sister's middle name is Andrea.
My other sister's middle name is Andrea.
My soon to be stepmother's name is Andrea.
And hey, guess what? My middle name is Andrea! Who woulda thought?

5. What is your favorite cookie?

Hmmm. This is difficult, but I think my favoritest cookie in the world is the Nestle brand break and bake chocolate chip cookie straight out of the oven, slightly underdone, ooey and gooey. Of all the cookies in the world, made by any mother, patiesserie, chef or baker, that's my fav.

My secret lover Java Chip's blog can be found here: http://nevergrowingold.blogspot.com/

She teaches me how to stay young. I am aiming for 5 years old. I even bought some markers a couple days ago. (And I colored a letter. Yay me.)

Negative Nine

That's how many calories I am over today. 9.

Let's all just take a moment to applaud Emily for the fact that she is not the usual NINE HUNDRED calories over instead of today's 9.

******Hommmmmmmmmmm******

Yeah, so anyway, I'm starving to death. I think I might die. I know I used to not eat a ton of food but my belly really is struggling with the whole amnesia thing and can't remember.

This is what I ate today:

Trader Joe's Beff Tamale with half an avocado (guac)
Blueberry Smoothie (Blueberries, strawberries, fat free milk, fiber powder [don't ask] and ice.)
Big mixed green salad with tomatos, feta, balsalmic and galic flavored EVOO.
Smart Ones Fettucini Alfredo.
Sugar Free Double Chocolate Jello Pudding

I rang in the day with like 1215 calories or something. This was definetly not enough. LIke I said, I'm going to die.

So, the tamale is pretty calorie dense at 280 calories, so tomorrow I won't have that. But they are so cheap and tasty. This blows. Why can't I just have a tummy tuck?

I am totally bummed I can't have more smoothies. Apparently two or three cups of fruit has more calories in it than you would think. Usually I put yogurt in the mix but I ran out today so I did milk instead. (Usually I do water.)

This sucks. On the bright side, if I actually manage to go to bed right now and not eat anything else, I will have eaten an appopriate amount of calories for the first time in like a year. Let the stomach shrinking begin!

What else can I eat that is calorie free????

Any Computer Smart People Out there?

For some strane reason one of my posts is showing up on the right side bar. I can't see any rhyme or reason for that on my end. Anybody know how to fix it???