1.) I bought a GRE book for the old test. I have not opened it yet. I also ordered flash cards online. They are not here yet.
2.) I have not registered for the test yet, although I have looked up test dates and I can either take it in town on July 19th, or two hours away on July 21st.
3.) I have not registered for a prep class yet, but I looked up the class options and one starts meeting once a week beginning next Tuesday and meets through July 19th, and the other doesn't start until the end of June, and meets twice a week until July 12th.The class is very expensive, but I believe necessary.
DILEMMA: My friend is having a baby out of state (Utah) and I am 100% committed to being there when the baby is born. The baby is due at the end of June/beginning of July and will be born naturally (hopefully) without an induction, so it could come at any time. If I have class twice a week, it's highly likely I will miss multiple meetings of the [very expensive and very short] class. If I take the other class (which meets once a week), I will have to begin it basically, uh... NOW, and if I took the exam in town, I would miss the last class because I would be taking the exam. Alternatively, I could complete the entire course and then take the exam out of town, 2 hours away on the 21st of July.
CONCLUSION: All of this freaks me out very much and it is all happening very fast for Emily and I don't know if I am ready for it. But I don't really have time to think it over. I have to JUMP if I want to do this before the test changes.
ONE MORE TIME: How do I know if I am ready for this?
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Sunday, May 29, 2011
More Options...!
I was talking on the phone with my friend Carmen yesterday and she started giving me a pep talk about the things I am capable of. I pretty much tuned it out. I really wanted to hear it, and I was trying to hear it, but I just couldn't "hear it." I don't know how to explain it any other way. The same thing happens when the therapist tries to validate everything that happened with Matt. (That it really was a horrible, terrible thing, and a HUGE deal. Sometimes I fall into self-doubt about this. Some days that sounds crazy [that it wasn't a big deal], other days, I wonder if I am playing the victim... I really need to be validated that it was a bad thing. Too many people told me to just pick up and move on but the experience was so traumatizing I can't. So hearing those words ["move on"] essentially just gave me more issues. Fantastic.) I just can't hear it, or it doesn't sink in, or it goes in one ear and out the other. I really, really want and need to hear what everyone has to say to me, but it just doesn't go in somehow. Does that make sense?
Anyway, she was saying that as long as she has known me (10 years this fall) that I have always been doing and saying and making plans to do random and crazy and impossible things and then just doing them. That I'm a planner and I just make things happen. That with everything that has happened the last six years I have been progressively been beat down, but that I still stayed on top of it all, until it came to this. But she knows that I can still do it. I wish I could hear her say it again so I could really "hear" it.
After talking to her about school and stuff, and hearing about her plans to move to Philadelphia in just three months for her Master's in Public Health, I tried looking at schools again. This time it occurred to me to simply Google "masters, conflict dispute resolution."
I am so dumb.
Why did I not do this in the first place?
I thought Oregon was the only school with a program like this, and from looking at schools individually, it seemed like that was accurate. I was SO WRONG.
Here are some of the schools that have some form of Conflict & Dispute Resolution or Peace Studies Programs:
CA-Pepperdine
University of Notre Dame
Graduate School
Peace Studies
California State University Northridge
Mediation and Conflict Resolution
University of San Diego
Eastern Mennonite University
Columbia College Of South Carolina
Master of Arts in Human Behavior and Conflict Management
Arcadia University
Peace Studies
Glenside, PA
Champlain College
Graduate Studies
Duke University
Masters degree
International Development Policy
Peace and Conflict Resolution
WOW. Just... WOW. A lot, of at least some of the schools, particularly on the east coast focus on GLOBAL or international peacekeeping, which would not be my focus of interest. I found my interest synthesized best here:
Finally, you may want to obtain a master in conflict resolution if you work with social services or the family court system. In many instances, mediation is the preferred first step toward resolving issues in family court cases in order to avoid tying up courtroom time. Many individuals with a masters in conflict management also become members of, and certified by, the American Arbitration Association.
Best of all, did you see it? I checked those darn Colorado schools over and over and over again for a reason for me to go there without success. But I missed one. And apparently, it's the most prestigious one. UNIVERSITY OF DENVER, Conflict Dispute Resolution Institute offering a Master of Arts program... You can read about just how flippin' awesome DU appears to be, (and how insanely competitive, even though I had never heard of it) right over HERE. It also happens to be the oldest college in Colorado and in my opinion the most beautiful. It's the college experience I never had and always wanted. What a gorgeous old campus. And a big fancy school. It's a private school, but it's non-profit. I think it just officially became my dream school.
...But how am I ever going to get there with my undergraduate GPA. looming behind me? Let me tell you, it's not good. All of the schools also require some type of testing as well, but it varies. Some of the schools will take my old LSAT score, which is fine. But DU, and many of the other schools are going to require that I take the GRE. Which in the past has totally freaked me out. (That thing has MATH on it!) It's the combination of my undergrad GPA and my GRE score that are going to get me into school here. Like I said, my GPA is nothing to brag about; overall undergrad GPA was 2.889, with my upper division GPA coming in at 3.1 or 3.01, I forget. Not impressive for graduate school. My high school GPA was 2.89... Sadly consistent. I wish I could go back and care about grades... I always just did what needed to be done to get things done. The only classes I really tried in were Math- and that's because I was TERRIBLE at it. I worked really hard for C's, maybe a few B's, and definitely one A in a remedial Pre-Algebra class I "tested" into even though I had already passed Pre-Alg in junior high just fine. (Always my weak point. I'll pass the class and fail the placement exam every time. Did the same thing when I went to college. Back to Pre-Alg! WTFreak? I passed Geometry and Advanced Algebra just fine people, stop giving me placement tests and I'll stop failing them!) So, given my GPA, this means I'm going to need a fantastic GRE score... or go to a school that will take my LSAT score, like University of Oregon. The GRE really intimidates me and is a huge amount of work, commitment on top of my already crazy schedule and let's face it, mental problems. lol I would have to start working on it soon too, like, now. Scary.
For those of you that have taken the GRE, or had spouses or close friends take the GRE... how has it gone? What's your advice or recommendations about it? The test will be changing as of August and they will be making dramatic changes. I read an excerpt about it in a Princeton Review book and they flat out did not have nice things to say about it. They don't think it has been done well, or sufficiently tested, and the exam has been lengthened from 2.5 hours to 3 hours, 40 minutes. Sort of a dramatic difference. They've also changed the scoring. From a 1600 total point scale it will go to a 170 total point scale. (Huh?) So now I'm in a bit of a straight... Do I test in the middle of July under the sturdy old testing system, meaning I have approximately 6-7 weeks to prepare? Or do I have faith in the new test, and can test in, say, September or October.
Which is the right choice?
And again, is this the right choice for me?
Gotta say again, finding the U of Denver thing was SUPER exciting... That the school was so beautiful and historical... it was just everything I wanted was amazing. But the average undergraduate applicant (coming in from HS) is in the top 25% of their class. That was definitely not Emily. I need a GRE that dazzles... Can I do that in July? Can I do that at all? If I take the GRE I have more choices in schools to apply to... But it's alot more for me to take on. And is this the right path? Now I feel maybe like Oregon is where I'm supposed to go. But is that because I've been working on trying to give up the CO idea? Or because I want to be by my Mom?
I can't even tell you how annoying it is to be an insecure, wishy-washy, freaked out person after never having been that way. I don't feel confidant in myself or my abilities anymore, especially my decision making abilities and I need a lot of reassurance. (This is the therapy kicking in here.) I'm so grateful for therapy for helping me recognize this change in myself, and of course I understand that after such a huge shock and deception such as my experience with Matt, questioning my judgement now is only natural. It will take time for me to trust myself again. But right now, I need a lot of feedback and just, well, help. But where do I get that help outside of this blog?
For some reason I haven't wanted to talk about this much with the friends and family I do usually speak to on a regular basis, which is odd. I've just been talking about it here. Apparently, you are a privileged bunch. My dad, whom I am really close to and talk to just about every other day or so, doesn't know anything about it.
Anyway, she was saying that as long as she has known me (10 years this fall) that I have always been doing and saying and making plans to do random and crazy and impossible things and then just doing them. That I'm a planner and I just make things happen. That with everything that has happened the last six years I have been progressively been beat down, but that I still stayed on top of it all, until it came to this. But she knows that I can still do it. I wish I could hear her say it again so I could really "hear" it.
After talking to her about school and stuff, and hearing about her plans to move to Philadelphia in just three months for her Master's in Public Health, I tried looking at schools again. This time it occurred to me to simply Google "masters, conflict dispute resolution."
I am so dumb.
Why did I not do this in the first place?
I thought Oregon was the only school with a program like this, and from looking at schools individually, it seemed like that was accurate. I was SO WRONG.
Here are some of the schools that have some form of Conflict & Dispute Resolution or Peace Studies Programs:
CA-Pepperdine
University of Notre Dame
Graduate School
Peace Studies
California State University Northridge
Mediation and Conflict Resolution
University of San Diego
Master of Arts in Peace and Justice Studies
Center for Justice and Peacebuilding - Graduate Program
Harrisonburg , VA , 22802George Washington University,The
Master's Internationalist Program in the Peace CorpsColumbia College Of South Carolina
Master of Arts in Human Behavior and Conflict Management
New York University |
Graduate School of Arts and Science |
Program in Trauma and Violence Transdisciplinary Studies ----> I thought this was really interesting, and relevant. George Washington University,The |
School of Public Health and Health Services |
Graduate School |
Arcadia University
Peace Studies
Glenside, PA
Champlain College
Graduate Studies
Master of Science in Mediation & Applied Conflict Studies
Duke University
Masters degree
International Development Policy
Peace and Conflict Resolution
WOW. Just... WOW. A lot, of at least some of the schools, particularly on the east coast focus on GLOBAL or international peacekeeping, which would not be my focus of interest. I found my interest synthesized best here:
Finally, you may want to obtain a master in conflict resolution if you work with social services or the family court system. In many instances, mediation is the preferred first step toward resolving issues in family court cases in order to avoid tying up courtroom time. Many individuals with a masters in conflict management also become members of, and certified by, the American Arbitration Association.
Best of all, did you see it? I checked those darn Colorado schools over and over and over again for a reason for me to go there without success. But I missed one. And apparently, it's the most prestigious one. UNIVERSITY OF DENVER, Conflict Dispute Resolution Institute offering a Master of Arts program... You can read about just how flippin' awesome DU appears to be, (and how insanely competitive, even though I had never heard of it) right over HERE. It also happens to be the oldest college in Colorado and in my opinion the most beautiful. It's the college experience I never had and always wanted. What a gorgeous old campus. And a big fancy school. It's a private school, but it's non-profit. I think it just officially became my dream school.
...But how am I ever going to get there with my undergraduate GPA. looming behind me? Let me tell you, it's not good. All of the schools also require some type of testing as well, but it varies. Some of the schools will take my old LSAT score, which is fine. But DU, and many of the other schools are going to require that I take the GRE. Which in the past has totally freaked me out. (That thing has MATH on it!) It's the combination of my undergrad GPA and my GRE score that are going to get me into school here. Like I said, my GPA is nothing to brag about; overall undergrad GPA was 2.889, with my upper division GPA coming in at 3.1 or 3.01, I forget. Not impressive for graduate school. My high school GPA was 2.89... Sadly consistent. I wish I could go back and care about grades... I always just did what needed to be done to get things done. The only classes I really tried in were Math- and that's because I was TERRIBLE at it. I worked really hard for C's, maybe a few B's, and definitely one A in a remedial Pre-Algebra class I "tested" into even though I had already passed Pre-Alg in junior high just fine. (Always my weak point. I'll pass the class and fail the placement exam every time. Did the same thing when I went to college. Back to Pre-Alg! WTFreak? I passed Geometry and Advanced Algebra just fine people, stop giving me placement tests and I'll stop failing them!) So, given my GPA, this means I'm going to need a fantastic GRE score... or go to a school that will take my LSAT score, like University of Oregon. The GRE really intimidates me and is a huge amount of work, commitment on top of my already crazy schedule and let's face it, mental problems. lol I would have to start working on it soon too, like, now. Scary.
For those of you that have taken the GRE, or had spouses or close friends take the GRE... how has it gone? What's your advice or recommendations about it? The test will be changing as of August and they will be making dramatic changes. I read an excerpt about it in a Princeton Review book and they flat out did not have nice things to say about it. They don't think it has been done well, or sufficiently tested, and the exam has been lengthened from 2.5 hours to 3 hours, 40 minutes. Sort of a dramatic difference. They've also changed the scoring. From a 1600 total point scale it will go to a 170 total point scale. (Huh?) So now I'm in a bit of a straight... Do I test in the middle of July under the sturdy old testing system, meaning I have approximately 6-7 weeks to prepare? Or do I have faith in the new test, and can test in, say, September or October.
Which is the right choice?
And again, is this the right choice for me?
Gotta say again, finding the U of Denver thing was SUPER exciting... That the school was so beautiful and historical... it was just everything I wanted was amazing. But the average undergraduate applicant (coming in from HS) is in the top 25% of their class. That was definitely not Emily. I need a GRE that dazzles... Can I do that in July? Can I do that at all? If I take the GRE I have more choices in schools to apply to... But it's alot more for me to take on. And is this the right path? Now I feel maybe like Oregon is where I'm supposed to go. But is that because I've been working on trying to give up the CO idea? Or because I want to be by my Mom?
I can't even tell you how annoying it is to be an insecure, wishy-washy, freaked out person after never having been that way. I don't feel confidant in myself or my abilities anymore, especially my decision making abilities and I need a lot of reassurance. (This is the therapy kicking in here.) I'm so grateful for therapy for helping me recognize this change in myself, and of course I understand that after such a huge shock and deception such as my experience with Matt, questioning my judgement now is only natural. It will take time for me to trust myself again. But right now, I need a lot of feedback and just, well, help. But where do I get that help outside of this blog?
For some reason I haven't wanted to talk about this much with the friends and family I do usually speak to on a regular basis, which is odd. I've just been talking about it here. Apparently, you are a privileged bunch. My dad, whom I am really close to and talk to just about every other day or so, doesn't know anything about it.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
My First Fusion Video
For the last couple of months I have been secretly filming clients on and off with mixed success in the hopes of being able to begin making fusion videos. A Fusion Video is a combination of still photography and short video clips, typically set to music. It is just beginning to become "the new thing" in wedding and portrait photography. I love doing slideshows on my website, but they are a TON of work because I really do sit there and figure out what order I want the pictures to be in the slideshow, and at what points in the music do I want this slide to be showing up, etc. (It's a sickness, lol). You can see how doing video would make this much harder!
After practicing shooting video in manual, meaning, manually exposing the video like you would a film camera, setting for aperture and shutter speed, ISO, white balance, etc during these live sessions, WHILE simultaneously shooting my photography stills (seriously, I was shooting on two different cameras, sometimes one on each hand holding down buttons at the same time!) I finally got some footage that was cute enough to use and incorporate into a fusion video. I had some other footage from an engagement session I did awhile back, but the groom kept LOOKING AT ME. He drove me crazy. He just stared at me. I have a million shots of his bride looking loving at him, and him looking at me like a deer in a headlights because he was so self conscious of the camera. By far the worst subject I had ever had in 6 years of doing this. I would have 2 seconds of cute video, and then he would look at me like he was dying and ask if we were done yet. It was terrible.
Anyway. I would love and appreciate it if you would all head over to my work blog and check out the video I made and leave some nice feedback for the couple! I guess the groom is pretty embarrassed about being filmed (LOL) even though I think he looks great, and I of course would love to have some feedback too! I did a bad thing in posting this video on a Friday afternoon of a holiday weekend because no one has seen the video! They are all out of town! I am trying to figure out how to repost it on Tuesday when everyone comes back...
After practicing shooting video in manual, meaning, manually exposing the video like you would a film camera, setting for aperture and shutter speed, ISO, white balance, etc during these live sessions, WHILE simultaneously shooting my photography stills (seriously, I was shooting on two different cameras, sometimes one on each hand holding down buttons at the same time!) I finally got some footage that was cute enough to use and incorporate into a fusion video. I had some other footage from an engagement session I did awhile back, but the groom kept LOOKING AT ME. He drove me crazy. He just stared at me. I have a million shots of his bride looking loving at him, and him looking at me like a deer in a headlights because he was so self conscious of the camera. By far the worst subject I had ever had in 6 years of doing this. I would have 2 seconds of cute video, and then he would look at me like he was dying and ask if we were done yet. It was terrible.
Anyway. I would love and appreciate it if you would all head over to my work blog and check out the video I made and leave some nice feedback for the couple! I guess the groom is pretty embarrassed about being filmed (LOL) even though I think he looks great, and I of course would love to have some feedback too! I did a bad thing in posting this video on a Friday afternoon of a holiday weekend because no one has seen the video! They are all out of town! I am trying to figure out how to repost it on Tuesday when everyone comes back...
Here's the link! I would so appreciate it! Thank you! http://eheizerphotography.blogspot.com/2011/05/bless-rain-mike-sara.html
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
I am not alone (and you are not either.)
I have therapy in the morning and it has me reflecting on last week's session. After 8 months of weekly therapy my therapist finally disclosed something personal about herself/her family. Her husband's grandmother was in my position. She was married to a man who used to go away on "business trips" for periods of time. In reality, he was going off to be with his other family. He had two families, two wives, two homes. Neither had any idea. She didn't tell me any more than that except that it wasn't the wife's fault. There was something wrong with the husband.
We also talked alot about what could be wrong with Matt, including several personality disorders. I may talk about that another time. Right now I want to talk about US.
Driving home from that appointment, for the first time since I found out the truth about Matt, I felt lucky. Over and over again people have told me,
"Well, at least you're not pregnant."
"At least you didn't get married."
"You should be happy it didn't go further."
And I never felt grateful, or glad or relieved about any of those things. I just felt so terrible and awful about what had happened. I felt cheated out of the children I thought we were going to have and the wedding and marriage and life I had planned with him. Driving home after that session, for the first time ever, thinking about that woman who had been in my shoes, and had even lived my life further than I had, marrying him, carrying his children, living in his home... I finally felt LUCKY. I felt so relieved that I hadn't lived that. That I hadn't had gotten pregnant, or had babies or married him, or shared a home. I felt so lucky. For the first time. The first time in all these months. It didn't matter how many times people grabbed me and told me I was lucky; I didn't care, I didn't believe it. Hearing her story, hearing about someone, finally, someone like me, in my shoes, I felt the connection between us that I had been longing for and I got it. Without hearing any emotion on the part of my therapist, who merely conveyed a couple of sentences of fact; I could fill in the story with my own emotions and that woman's pain. I knew how she must have felt. I knew her pain. And I felt so blessed that I had found out the truth about Matt before it was too late for me. And I cried...
For one of the first times since August, I wasn't alone. Even if I was only hearing someone else's story, someone else who probably wasn't even alive anymore... I wasn't alone. Other women have stood with me, and that provided enormous comfort. There is no support group for women like me at Kaiser or at the women's shelter. Hearing this story or one's like it is all I get. And there aren't many. In fact, there are just about none.
On this blog, more than one woman has reached out to me and said that they experienced things similar to what I have gone through. Most of you have not gone into any detail as to what happened to you. If you can, I would like to encourage you to share your stories in the comments (Feel free to leave them anonymously if you need to.) or to send me an email at auntyem4@yahoo.com . I share my story every day... Knowing I'm not alone... I can't tell you how much it helped. If there are more of us out there, it helps. It really does. Please share your story and what happened. Please. It would mean so much, and HELP so much.
Thank you.
Wordless Wednesday: Laying down in Traffic
I recently went to Washington DC to photograph a wedding. The night before the big event, the couple and I went to Georgetown to do some portraits to get them out of the way before the wedding and I ended up laying down in the middle of the road with my head in traffic and the bride's sister ended up trying to hold her body out to protect me from being crushed to death, and once I stopped almost-dying to get the shot, the sister took these pictures of me with one of my spare cameras (which was set on manual focus unbeknownst to her, and she didn't know how to change it, lol, but I still think she did very well!). I really appreciate people taking pictures of me when I work because I don't have any record of me during this time of me as a photographer because I'm always behind the camera!
I like this first picture best because I don't look fat. :)
You can also see my hair, which I accidentaly dyed black and then un-dyed by washing my hair with PEROXIDE all day long before this shoot before lightening it to the below color. In the grocery store recently, I found out one of the dyes I used was RECALLED because the wrong dye had been put in the box and mislabeled! :-O
Monday, May 23, 2011
Back to School
In order to get my $800 discount on my new Photoshop CS5 that I had to buy for my new laptop, I had to register for a college course. Last Monday at a few minutes after 7pm, I registered for Elementry German at the local community college/junior college. I've been wanting to take German for the last two years and haven't been able to get into the class and it's only offered fall term, but this time, ta-da! We shall see if I am able to cope being in such a group setting with my current problems. I have alot of anxiety about it at present but am trying not to think about it. I'd actually really rather take French because it would be much easier for me, as I took it in high school, but it's been so long, everything just seems vaugely familiar- a whisper and a song. I've longed to take up French again for several years as well. French however, is only offered on the main campus, where one must commute, purchase a parking permit, wander around on campus, the whole bit. German is taught off-site just around the corner from my house, across the street from the dog park actually, so no commute, no parking permit, no wandering around a big campus.
Hmmmm. Thoughts?
Hmmmm. Thoughts?
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