Remembering...

I'm starting to remember weird things about being in the house. Things I didn't remember before, things that seem and feel meaningless. I didn't really get it. Why is this coming up now?

I talked about it with my therapist and she said this was a good thing. She said that my brain is starting to process what happened. Instead of just thinking about it and it all passing by in a huge, scary blur, punctuated by massively terrifying or traumatizing or upsetting highlights, I'm starting to actually slow it down... watch it as it really happened. She said this was part of the process and this is a great development. She also said I should start writing everything I remembered down so I could continue to process it.


I remember standing in the driveway two doors down from their house, talking on the phone with my friend Colette. I was afraid to do it, and she was trying to encourage me that it would be okay, and that this was the right thing to do. What was the worst that could happen? We made a plan for her to check in with me over text or phone in about 15 minutes. If I didn't answer, she was to call the police. I gave her the address of where I was at. I also communicated with my friend Vince (I don't remmeber how) and had him do the same thing, take down the address, and watch the clock.

I remember standing there on the phone, in this neighbor's driveway, pacing. Somebody in the house next door was outside, trimming his lawn with one of those hand operated things- the quiet ones, not the machine. I think.  He was doing something with the lawn, but it wasn't loud. He was white and had dark hair I think.

I paced and panted in the driveway for awhile and kept peeking at the house, unsure if someone was in there, or what I should do.

I finally hung up the phone with Colette and walked over. When I got to the porch, I hesitated again. I started trembling a little and I remember starting to sweat. I had jeans on and this navy blue shirt from Down East that had lace on the bottom. I had pinned my hair up with a clip on top of my head. I forgot to take it down; I'm sure it looked stupid.

I stood on the porch and shifted my weight back and forth. I listened to hear if anybody was in there. I couldn't tell. I remember being really hot. Sweating. I hesitated a couple more times knocking or ringing the bell before I finally rang the bell. At least, I think I rang the bell. I remember staring at the bell for a long time.

It took a long time for her to come to the door. It felt like forever, but it was at least a few minutes. I could hear her rustling around in the house, moving around. I stepped to the side and I remember leaning against this pillar on their porch. I remember noticing Matt's white sneakers on the steps. There were some other things out there. Maybe a green plastic child's bucket. But mostly I remember the shoes. I remember wondering if they were those bright white sneakers he wore on our first date that I had hated. I felt annoyed to see them there. More evidence that I was right, I guess.

I leaned against that pillar, out of sight of the peephole. I didn't know who was in the house and I was afraid if it was Matt and he saw me out there that he wouldn't open the door. If it was him I didn't want him to know it was me. I stared up at the ceiling of the porch and closed my eyes and tried to breathe. Finally the door opened.

Sydney was standing there, I think the baby was clinging to her leg. She had a spaghetti string tank top on and pants that didn't really fit. Mostly I looked at her face... and the baby. When I looked at her, I looked at someone who sort of looked like myself. She had glasses and dark hair.

"Are you Sydney?"

She nodded her head.  "Yeah."

She had this questioning look on her face. I asked her if she could step outside and talk to me. She said "Okay, " or "sure" or something. Still questioning. I wonder now what she was thinking when she saw me standing there. Face all red from crying, shaking and trembling and shifting from one leg to the other standing on her porch. I probably looked like a wreck. If I didn't already, then I was about to.

"Can someone take the baby?" I asked. I didn't want the baby to hear or see her react, and I didn't know how she would take it.

She said no, and I asked if she was home alone and she said yes. She picked the baby up and put her on her hip.  She opened the door a little wider when she picked up the baby and I could see a little bit of the hallway, but I wasn't really looking there.

As soon as she said she was alone I couldn't look at her anymore. "Okay," I said, relieved. I didn't realize until that moment how afraid I had been that Matt was still back in the house somewhere I couldn't see. I looked up at the ceiling again and exhaled and said,  "This is going to be awkward."

Then I launched into it.

"For the last year and a half I have been dating this guy. It's been great, we were crazy in love and it has been just wonderful."

I can hear myself say that in my head. And then it's a blur. And then the end. " He started acting really strange, and I found out he's been lying to me... I think he's been lying to me. I think he's married. He told me his name was Matt T-- but I think his name is really  L--"

I had looked at the wall, the ceiling, the door, the doorbell the entire time I was talking, stammering all of this out. I remember my whole body flushing and feeling so hot. My voice shook as I talked. I just couldn't look at her though. When I finished, I finally glanced back up to her face and she just stared at me. There wasn't even a look of shock, she just.... stared. The baby was quiet, she was quiet, and we just stared at each other. She stood in the doorway with the baby on her hip and just stared. I didn't know what to say. Finally I opened my mouth again and said, "I have pictures."

Then she spoke. " I need to see them. NOW." The rage was just exploding out of her at every word. She was the one shaking now, but with anger, not fear. (Like I was.)

Then it's blank again. And I don't remember what happened. I remember once I turned away off the porch I began to shake and cry hard. Hysterically even. I had my arms crossed over my chest as I walked back to my car to get my purse. It was full of pictures, love letters, his tie that he had left at my house after court one day. A little scrapbook album of his love notes and pictures of us.

When I walked back to the house (I had parked around the corner so if it was Matt at home that he wouldn't see my car out front) I frantically went through the little cardboard Target sleeve of pictures I had had printed of the two of us. I was looking for the least incriminating one. In all of the pictures of us together he is always looking at me, so lovingly. His eyes just... sparkled. He looked delighted to be looking at me. In the other ones we were kissing. I found one of us just smiling looking at the camera, lying down on my bed and held it out as I crossed their driveway, stepped over their little row of hedges and back on to the porch. As I handed it to her, the baby squealed, "DA-da!" and took the picture from her.

Sydney looked down at the picture and said "Come in," calm now.

As I walked in, as I was literally stepping over the threshold, she asked, "What number do you have for him?"

I stumbled through my phone to get it, and not show her the last text I had from him. I showed her the number and read it as I did and she shook her head and said, "Yep, that's his number."

She put the baby down and marched over to her phone. It was sitting on a bar stool in the hallway in front of their computer. I was struck looking at her iphone. She and Matt had a matching set. I wondered if they had gotten some deal for getting two, and realized they shared a phone plan, among so many other things.

She picked up the phone and dialed, while the baby starting singing "Da-da!" holding that picture of him and I, running around gleefully.

Sydney started screaming and cursing into the phone. She had called him. "Get your f****ing a** home right now!" I could hear mumbling on the other end. She screamed something else and then, "Your f****ing girlfriend is here! You want to tell me why your F****ING GIRLFRIEND IS HERE? Get your f****ing a** home right now!"

Then it's all a blur again.

One of the new things I remembered was she called someone else too. She made a series of phone calls but this one I forgot. Somebody was supposed to come over for dinner that night. It sounded like a couple or a family. She told them they would have to cancel and made all the niceities on the phone. She said something had come up.

It was really strange to remember that because I really had no memory of it at all until like a week ago. Such a mundane, unimportant detail and suddenly the memory was there like it had always been there. But it was new to me. I can see her standing in the hall looking down at the phone to call and then talking.

At another point, she picked up the baby again and got a little too close to the wall and the baby grabbed a framed picture of herself, a big 8x10 on a blue background and pulled it off and it smashed to the floor. I hadn't remembered that either.

I remember staring at the fishtank next to her and being so mad. Matt had told me he had a Nemo and Dory fish. The tank was filthy dirty- all green and covered in algae and looking like it hadn't been cleaned in a long time. I looked at the tank and felt so mad. I knew he had the freaking fish in this house but I hadn't known about HER?

Just now as I write this I remember telling her about the blanket I had made his dog, Megan. I had emboirdered it with her name on it, and it had a pink satin blanket binding on it.  She looked at me blankly- he had never brought it home I guess. I wondered if he had dumped it in a trash bin on the way home after I gave it to him. I wondered where it was. I had worked so hard on it and it was probably in a dumpster somewhere.

I said something about texting and she asked "What kind of texting?"

"What do you mean?"

"What kind of texting? Sexting?" Some other questions.
I was embarrassed and stammered out a "No, normal texts, like 'Hi' 'How are you' 'I love you' 'Have a good day'."  That wasn't entirely true though and it went alot further than "Hi" in all honesty. He was my boyfriend, we were going to get married and didn't see each other often. I was so embarrassed.


I can't write about this anymore.

I look at this picture and I just don't see this man who was going home to this woman when he left me. It just confuses me. It boggles my mind. I look at him and I see my Matty, the man I loved and who was so great to me.

I'm on my old computer right now because my regular laptop broke and I found this letter I wrote him in April of 2010 for our anniversary. I don't know if I gave it to him or not. Probably. I edited some parts out because they are too personal, and the original is in a handwriting font and covered in little hearts...but here's most of it:

 I love you because…

You make me laugh.


You are sweet and loving to me.


I know you will make a wonderful husband and an amazing dad.






 I love you, because you love me. I love you because you accept me for who I am, and do not judge me or criticize me.


I love you because you make me feel safe. Nothing bad could ever happen as long as I have you to protect me.






I love your giggle, smile and laugh. I can’t help but grin and laugh when I hear it.






 I love you because when I look at you, I see my future.






I love your rainbow eyes, and I love nothing more than to lay on your chest and listen to your heart beat.






 Before we even met, I had such high hopes for us. And every moment more I spend with you, the more my heart swells with all of those hopes.






I love you because you support me and believe in me and in my dreams.






I love that you are responsible, hardworking and dedicated. I love that we share the same morals and values. I know I can always count on you to do what is right.






I love how you hold my hand, and how you look at me. I love your intelligence, your wit, and your sense of humor. I love your arms around me. I love how your eyes pierce mine.






Sometimes I feel like you can see inside my soul. Sometimes I think you know my thoughts before I’ve even spoken them. I love you because you know me.


I’ve loved you more, and more deeply than I have ever loved anyone. My connection with you overpowers my senses. From the tips of my toes through my entire body I can feel my love for you. When I see you, my whole body smiles. I can’t keep a grin off my face when I am with you.






I love you, because you make me happy. You are my partner, my lover and my friend.


I love you.






 Love,


Emily 4/9/2010





PS: How ‘bout THEM apples? Hee hee hee…



 His wedding anniversary would have been a month after I wrote this.

Asking why

Why did he do it?

Just... Why?

I haunts me all day, every day. I even wrote him an email (and deleted it) asking him WHY.

Why did you do it Matt? Why?

More Airport Drama

I flew to Southern California on Saturday for my high school reunion. The whole day sort of started out on the wrong foot; I forgot my dog's shot records at home and the boarder wouldn't take him without the updated records in hand (no faxes) and I had to drive all the way back home with the dog to get it, drive him back, check him in, and then dash to the airport.

When I got there, I found they had moved Southwest from the old terminal to a new one, with a tram and a huge who-knows how many stories vaulted ceiling interior with glass windows- fancy. Like Dulles. Also like Dulles, it has a tram. (Gosh what a waste of money for such a small airport that never has any lines!)I was thrown off right from the start, and it only got worse when I got to security.

They didn't have the old metal detectors... They only had the new ones that scan your whole body. The kind I am afraid of and had to have therapy sessions specifically for last February (when I went to Las Vegas for WPPI) to prepare... and then didn't have to go through them.

 

Images of body scans... Some are fake, some are real, I don't know which are which, but all look horrible to me.

I broke out in a cold sweat and was afraid I was going to freak out when I realized there was no getting out of this and that I was going to have some strange man look at some scan of my body and I would have to raise my hands over my head. (Which is awful for me because it makes my chest feel very exposed).

But... I did it. Which is huge. I managed not to get hysterical or cry noticiably. Great.

Then when I got through the other side I was greeted immediately by a TSA officer who said I needed to be patted down and be searched.

Goodbye Emily.

I flipped.

Hysterical, crying, hyperventilating, panting. They got me to a bench with my head between my knees, but I was getting that black tunnel vision you get right before you pass out. It was bad. Really bad. I had three officers guarding me on the bench while I was panicking, and when I calmed enough to hear them, they led me into a back room to be searched and patted. HYSTERICAL. Full blown panic attack and there was just no even reasoning with me. I was gone. The panic just took over. You could have said anything, I just wasn't "there." It was awful. Being touched by them was horrible and violating. I saw Matt in my head the whole time and shook with fear.

This isn't the person I was, or am... I guess maybe it is the person I am now. Flying, going through security, a pat down... not a problem before. Now it's an ordeal so awful I can't even function.

Fears

There are alot of things I am afraid of right now. Real-life things- like men, being touched, police officers... and then there are things in my future I am afraid of or for. They almost haunt me. I think about them quite a bit and worry. I didn't use to have too many fears for my future, but now they are things I think about way too much. Going through trauma has changed me in ways I don't like, but it happened and that's a fact. My therapist has told me that fears like these keep me safe for right now while I heal, and once things are better, I will push those boundaries to a new level I am comfortable with. I still worry it won't ever happen. Are there things you worry about like this?

I am afraid things will always be exactly as they are now. That my life will be awful, that I will always be trapped in my house and things will never, ever change.

I am afraid I will never be comfortable being touched again.

I worry about how I will ever date if when I try to think about it, I scream and push away- even in my day dreams- just at the thought of holding hands.

I am afraid I won't ever trust anyone in the way I used to. That I won't ever be able to believe.

That I won't ever have children, a family, or fufill any of the lifelong dreams I have had about my life.

I am afraid of never being happy.

I am afraid of always being afraid.

I am afraid that I will never fall in love with someone else the way I did with Matt, and never meet someone who I have a connection with as strong as the connection was between him and I.

That I will never move on.

***************************

Halloween Dog Party

Our dog park has a facebook group and through that we coordinated a Halloween dog party! All of the "kids" dressed up, and some even had multiple costumes. You'll see Opal, the corgi/mini aussi mix in both a fairy/tinkerbell costume AND in a skeleton costume.

My Charlie Brown didn't dress up... he went as himself! He is wearing his Charlie Brown classic yellow and black sweater with the zig zag. It's just his regular sweater, so that's not a costume right? lol

I am listening to "Stitch by Stitch" by Javier Colon from The Voice right now. I feel caught in between; I don't have someone who "heals me" (other than God) but I wish I did. (Beware on that video they have the lyrics and they use the wrong "your" and it will drive you up the wall. lol)

Here is Rex!

 And I think this is Greta. She was a frog.

Dexter the clown!

Opal as a skeleton.

Maddy the queen.

Dennis as a witch!

Avi the lobster. He was very afraid of the shutter on my camera. He is a very shy dog so he stays with us on the "little dog" side of the park.

Here's my Charlie in his "street clothes." LOL

Opal after her costume change into her tinkerbell costume!

Opal, Charlie in the very back and the little girl is the basset hound Maggie's big sister.

Maggie the basset was a ballerina in her tutu. She is sitting on Opal. Don't worry, Opal totally deserved it biting Maggie's ears!

I'm still here.

I hope I haven't worried you.

I just got an email from someone who wanted to make sure I was okay because I wasn't blogging. I guess it's been more than a month since I've updated and given the tone of most of my posts...I can see how that would give you cause for concern... I haven't blogged on my work blog in a week either, so I wasn't sure which blog they were referencing, (aka, the context in which they knew me) and even though I recognized their first name as someone I thought I knew from this blog, I wasn't totally sure... So I didn't want to launch into "where I've been" in case it was a client or "fan" of my work talking about my work blog. But I think I know who it was... but I wasn't sure. I don't know this gal's last name in real life, at least, I didn't remember it.

Anyway, I answered the note neutrally until I know how the writer knows me- from my personal life, or professional life, and then I can either spill my guts or give a professional answer and chuckle [professionally, of course.]

Where have I been?

I'm sure you'd like to hear about me lounging on a beach in the bahamas with a pina colada and a cabana boy and doing excellent, but that hasn't been the case. :(

At the end of the September a reader confided about some deceit she had caught her spouse in- explosive, like mine, although not the same situation, and it's really hard for me to be neutral or helpful because I just, well can't. I don't know how to help. I still have one more email from that person I keep meaning to open and haven't. I'm such a mess myself I don't know how to be a support to someone else. It makes me feel terrible because that's not who I used to be. I feel like I don't have much left to give, but maybe that's because I'm still trying to heal? On the other hand, I know how much it means to ME when other people share their stories with me so maybe I need to try harder. It's just SO HARD.

October was an incredibly rough month. I went off all but one of my medications. (I'm on three.) I ran out of my anti-depressants that had been perscribed to me when I had Kaiser last year (that I had hoarded) and was left with just my anxiety meds. This was not a good idea. I saw a psychiatrist for the first time since last fall and she officially diagnosed me as PTSD and tried to give me a Xanax prescription, she really felt I needed it, but as I have a sister who is a recovering addict (six years sober!) I am not comfortable taking any medication that is easily abused or is easy to become dependant on. We have multiple addicts and users in my family. My sister was a methamphetamine addict for 10 years. we are lucky she is alive, let alone a productive member of society with a great job, a partner and a college degree. I don't want to expose myself to medication that I may be prone to being "attracted" to, even though I have never abused or used drugs.  After explaining all of this to the doctor, she agreed and wrote me new Rx's for my medication. The problem was, with my new insurance, I lied when I applied and told them I didn't have any mental health issues because I believe that is why Kaiser terminated me, and I feared they would not accept me if they knew the extent of my problems right now. So I was going to have to pay for this doctor's appointment ($300) out of pocket, and these Rx's. I had to find a pharmacy, which was really overwhelming for someone who is off their medication and crying all day. The doctor also wrote the Rx for the wrong dosage on one medication, and wanted to call in the correct dosage into whatever pharmacy I used, rather than just writing me a new 'script, which if you know me, or at least how I have been since all of this has happened, that is just really overwhelming and upsetting. So before I could get my complete Rx, I had to find a pharmacy. I was officially "paralyzed" from doing anything because of this, if that makes any sense.

I was dealing with all of this stuff off my meds. It was UGLY.  Try coping with extremely stressful, emotional situations when you're dealing with untreated major depressive disorder. VERY BAD.  I thought about ways to "get out" alot. Calmly, rationally. Like, emailing people lists of things that needed to be done after I was gone. That's the kind of "clarity" that comes with being off medication. My therapist was NOT pleased. She gave me a deadline to find a pharmacy, which was Tuesday of this week- November 1st.

On Monday, Halloween, I went to Target and Walmart and got quotes for my medication. My anixety medication apparently runs almost $300 for a one month's supply in generic form. I have never felt so desperate. How am I supposed to treat myself, or take care of myself with a medical bill like that? Especially if I have to hide it from my insurance? I was surpringsly calm (I still had more pills of that medication left, I hadn't run out yet, and the other two medications were cheaper, $15/month and $60/month). I checked CanadaDrugs.com, but it was the same story... that one drug was really expensive.

Finally I thought to check Costco and that was a lifesaver. I got the two cheaper medications for $30ish bucks and the expensive one I think it only $60/month. DOWN FROM $300! How is that even possible?! It is such a blessing and a relief! Thank you Costco!

I started my anti-depressants again on Tuesday afternoon. They have me on a new kind of pill- called extended release, instead of suspended release (sustained release?) which means I only have to take a pill once a day instead of twice. I took it Tuesday and Wednesday and forgot today. :( It's funny though, by Wednesday, I was already starting to feel better...


The other bad thing that happened in October was at a wedding. I was... I guess... assaulted by a guest at a wedding I was working at. I was getting ready to shoot the first dance and had my back to him and I was looking at my camera. This man, a groomsman, ran his hands all over my body, groped me, and slapped me. I shoved him off me, and jumped away and told him to not touch me again. I started shaking really hard and started to cry, but by then the dance had started, so I had to start shooting. So I shot the first dance, crying and shaking like a leaf. As soon as it was over I went to the bathroom and cried. I texted my friend and told her what happened and tried to calm down.

I don't even like being hugged by men in my family. I get uncomfortable at family dinners sitting next to men I KNOW. In my German class, my teacher sends me out in the hall when we do group activities because I panic and start to cry if the men/boys in our class talk to me. This man... what he did... I don't know how they find me. I don't know how this, these things happen to me. Why? What have I done that makes people do things to me? I don't understand. I don't want to be a victim... But how do they FIND me?

*****
I feel like I should end this on a high note.

(Why I have NO IDEA)

I shot a wedding today, and I wore... A DRESS. From... ANTHROPOLOGIE! And.... PATTERENED TIGHTS! I know, RIGHT? Amazingness! I felt so chic! And I stuck a headband in my hair too! And blowdried it, and straightened it a little with the curling iron! (I think the cat peed on my straightener, so I didn't want to use that... [long awkward pause] anyway... So exciting, right? Oh, and the dress had POCKETS!

It was super expensive, the most expensive dress I have ever bought, I'm pretty sure, but I was thinking I could wear it to every wedding every weekend and just wear a different sweater set over it for the next five years. What do you think? It was very comfortable, the fabric is just so nice!

 

This is the dress. Mine has straps though- spaghetti straps, but straps none the less. Maybe they are removable. Maybe I should look and see. I really liked it BECAUSE it had straps. Today I wore it with a pumpkin orange sweater and pinky raspberry poetic license modest heels- for a couple hours. Then my feet were killing me, so I switched to black flats with bows on them from Target. I really wish someone had taken my picture or that I had taken  a picture in a mirror because I really liked how I looked!