A Very long Drive...

My dad left with the moving truck a good couple hours before I did. He was anxious to get on the road before it got too late, and I was still cleaning up crap and loading the Corolla. I was also anxious about leaving, and when I'm anxious, I pee alot and I stall alot.

I think my dad left around 8 or 830pm, and I left way after 10pm. I took a few last pictures around the house (seen in the last post), stopped at a friend's house to have her return my cable box (which I then couldn't find in my tightly packed car and finally got the on the freeway. I definitely cried a few times as we pulled away and felt very sad to leave this city I have called my home for the last TWELVE YEARS and loved so dearly. On the flip side, each time I came back for work, I often faced a feeling of dread and fear of seeing Matt somewhere. It was definitely the best decision for me to leave. I have restored so much of my self confidence  since the move but I still miss home.

My dad drove until he was tired- about two hours out- and then got a hotel. His wife Andrea called me to coordinate as he figured out the stop and got me instructions on where to get off his her signal back in Southern California was much more stable than his out in the middle of nowhere driving a moving truck.

The dog and the cats all got to stay in the hotel, which was very exciting. My cats are seasoned travels and Amelia especially made herself at home right away, which was pretty funny!

You can see Tootie in the back seat next to my boxwood hedge that I smuggled over the OR border, and Charlie anxiously sitting in th front seat- obviously terrified that the car would leave me behind.
What do you think is the best way to smuggle my plants back into CA when I come back??

Also, my beloved Strawberry plant I mentioned? The six year old one? I came back and got it at the end of August. :) Sadly, it was totally fried, I guess the sprinklers weren't hitting it and it was burned to a crisp, but I smuggled it back with me anyway in a rental car. (I had a class Friday in OR, wedding in CA saturday, class on Sunday in OR, and if I missed a class, they were going to make me repeat the entire course, plus do extensive one on one meetings with the teacher, which wasn't fair. I couldn't get flights to work and they wouldn't let me miss even 10 minutes of the class to ensure I made a flight. Basically they were huge jerks about it, and I was exhausted at the end of the weekend, but I did get to go back to my complex ( I broke in! Rebel!) and look for my plants. My trees were gone but the strawberry was still there, and while it was burned, I took a chance on it and it actually GREW BACK after about a month. It got hit by the snow after that so I don't know if it will keep coming back but I'm hoping! I was also sad to see my unit had been vandalized in the three short weeks since I had left- someone had dumped garbage on the porch and sprayed ketchup everywhere. It made me so upset to see my so very nice house ripped up like that, but it was empty and there was no one to scream at the neighborhood kids like I always had!

 Amelia got comfy on the hotel bed right away! LOL

 Toulouse preferred the window.

 Seriously, Amelia almost got left behind because I couldn't find her. She didn't want to leave all of that plush luxury!

 Y'all know my cat walks on leash like a dog right?

 Tootie is totally cool in the car. Bathing on the freeway!

 Amelia spends her time in the cat carrier. She does NOT like the windows!

 Charlie Brown and his Linus dolly!

 That's my dad driving the Penske truck! It was super smoky right around the state border. Fires I guess, but we never saw any. The smoke was thick and chokey and last at least 40 miles.

Moving Out

These are the last pictures I took in Sacramento before I moved. I finally got my car fixed from when that lady bashed into it with a cable box a couple years ago and they gave me a cool little fiat to buzz around in for a couple weeks. (Dangerous car though, you really can't see out the back window- too small!) It was fun! Also our last trip to the dog park, dressing up for my last wedding in town, last dinner at Jack's Urban Eats (check out the Urban fries! Sweet potato fries, covered in blue cheese dressing, crumbled bleu cheese, spicy chilli oil, parsley! Amazing!) with our dog park friends, and cleaning up my house. I cried when I left. My house was in a crappy neighborhood but I lived there for SIX YEARS and it was home for me for a long time. (Until I got sad and it became a scary place, but as I packed up, it did feel like I was leaving home again.)

 I know these two shots look like I have a major bald spot (I swear it's MOSTLY just the light), but I love these shots, I think I look great! No idea why I look so good though. lol

 Charlie brought his old toys to the dog park and Opal gracious hoarded them all to take home.

 Sweet Potato Urban fries- my FAVORITE1

 The cat tree had to be moved around to clean- Amelia liked it!

 Amelia found a nice place to sleep away from the rukus!

 Saying goodbye to Mila, Charlie's beagle-chihuahua girlfriend.

 My plants were a sad story. There wasn't room in the truck for them all, and many had to be left behind. The two trees, my six year old strawberry plant among the left behinds. I tried to leave them in places where the sprinkler would get them, but I was very upset about this.

 Keys turned in, and the car all packed up and ready to go!

Food Truck!

Charlie is notoriously bad on leash. He barks, he pulls, he's just terrible. I have miraculously found a loophole however... FOOD TRUCKS! "SactoMoFo" came to the North Natomas Library across from the dog park and set up shop one night. I didn't have cash and had to take out a loan from another dog-parker (but I paid it back with interest!) and Charlie and I went to a food truck for the first time ever! (I don't count the roach-coaches in front of the county building- this was gourmet!)

Charlie was so busy eating scraps on the ground he didn't care about the people or other dogs. One of the employees called us the "Clean up Crew" So true!

ACCEPTED!

The final score on graduate school was as follows:
Accepted:
University of Massachusetts, Boston
University of North Carolina, Greensboro
Marquette University
University of Denver
University of Oregon

Recommender didn't sent in my letter/my App was never finished:
Salisbury University

Rejected:
Southern Methodist University

SMU actually said that I was not suited to the program and I should pursue a different field. Their letter was extremely rude and unprofessional, as were all of my interactions with them. The interview, which I asked repeatedly how to prepare for, or what I would be asked, and my questions were ignored, I was finally given the answer that she "just wanted to get to know me better." This was a total lie. The interview was more like an interrogation and I was thrown completely off, especially since I had been given no warning and been misled.

I was initially waitlisted at University of Oregon, so I accepted at University of Denver but continued to have bad feelings about it. When I accepted, I did not receive a congratulations, or even an acknowledgement. Nothing. I emailed both the director and the program assistant and I got nothing. I did not feel welcomed or cared about. It felt consistent with my other interactions with the program and I asked the program assistant what else I could do to help myself get into UO and she suggested another recommendation letter, I contacted my freshman English professor and she wrote me another highly personal letter. I was accepted to the program within a week. The assistant called me personally to let me know.

I was COMPLETELY OVERJOYED and screamed into the phone (almost) when she told me. I'd had the flu for over a week and had no voice and screamed so that I had no voice (open mouth, no noise lol) when she told me. It was great. And so different from how DU reacted. I am hoping it will be a very different program with people who care about me!

As time as gone on this past month or so I have gotten very anxious and upset about the prospect of moving. I of course can't really move- more like half time status because my job is here in CA, and o I will be commuting between CA and Oregon most of the time. I've already arranged all of my transportation between OR and CA for all of my events here through the rest of the year. What I hope is to just continue business as usual, and just expand my shooting territory to the Pacific Northwest, which is beautiful!

This week I went and tried to find a place to live. It was very overwhelming and upsetting. I fought with my mom the whole time, which also upset me but I couldn't seem to prevent it. I had panic attacks every day I was there and was popping my medication like candy. I felt bullied by the manager who I ultimately signed up and I am completely questioning all of the decisions I've made. I am having a really hard time this week. Not to say it hasn't been good leading up to this, with some hiccups, but currently I just want to run screaming away. It's too much too fast. I don't want to leave this house...

I am afraid of all the changes and being uprooted and losing the very little support system I have left.

The last few years my mother and I have been really close and the last six months or so she has changed dramatically. She seems to be having issues in her personal life and it has directly affected our dynmanic in a dramatic and negative way. We do not mesh or understand each other and do not communicate well. It really frustrates me. I don't feel like she listens to me or hears me, which is the thing I count on most in my mom. I feel like I am talking to a wall.  And then because there is so little positive back and forth I feel like I've taken advantage of her for the things she tries to do to help because our interactions have become increasingly unpleasant.

One of my summer classes very closely conflicted with my work schedule, and as a concession, school is letting me miss 2 hours of class, but as punishment, I have to make up the time in one on one tutoring with the director, volunteer to act in an in-class play, and then retake the entire class again over break. This doesn't seem reasonable to me, and upset me. It should be one or the other not both. All of the feelings of being overwhelmed and anxious and problems arising have exploded to  a point so fanatic that when this newest one arrived, I thought, I can't do this, I am dropping out of this program. Forget it. I am trying to stick to it, but I am so frightened now I feel like I am drowning. I don't know that I will fit in, how will I move? How will I unpack? Can I afford my apartment?

It's way too much to deal with right now.

I also have anger. Why do I have to move away when Matt was the one that did everything wrong?

Graduate School Update

Source: http://pinterest.com/pin/213217363580571720/

I've become even more confused about graduate school than I was.

SMU
 I was notified by Southern Methodist that they would like to interview me in like a week in their Plano, Texas office in person and please consider that in your travel time... There was no option for a long distance interview. I'm like 5 states away. And that is no notice. This really irked me. I responded very politely that I would love to be interviewed, and how could we arrange a phone or Skype interview since I don't live anywhere close? They agreed to a phone interview, which would last an hour, but there was no real indication as to what the context of the interview would be, despite the fact I asked three separate times in three separate emails. I finally said, it was difficult to prepare for an hour interview with no idea of the context, but I'd try my best and the secretary said, well it would probably only be 30 minutes... Well, why say it would be an hour then?

I was so nervous I couldn't sleep all night, and just read more about their program and the woman interviewing me. I finally fell asleep around 7am, and my alarm got me up at 8:30am. Interview was to start at 9:30am. I sat by the phone for TWO HOURS. Nobody called. After 30 minutes I sent a message to the secretary and said I was really looking forward to speaking with the director and just in case my number was misplaced- here it is again. I got an auto-response that this lady was out until Monday so she was no help and I had been given no contact info for the director, not even an email address.

At the one hour mark I was supposed to start a webinar with University of Denver so this was a problem. Then a friend called for help with another issue. I called the SMU department office- no one answered an there was only one number on their website. I left a message saying I was supposed to have an interview and the director was a no-show, just making sure they had the right number and I was waiting by the phone. (In a nice way.) I emailed the secretary again and asked if we needed to re-schedule, and finally after two hours, tracked down the director's email through the campus directory and expressed my concern and whether she was "okay"- had something horrible happened- and that I had waited for almost 2 hours for her to call and I hoped everything was okay. That I would be ready to re-schedule at her convenience whenever she was ready.

She responded with a SINGLE LINE OF TEXT saying, "I completely missed this was a phone interview. This was my error. Would Monday or Tuesday work for you instead?"

I waited TWO HOURS for this lady. I sat up all night I was so anxious about this call. How do you miss the fact a student doesn't live in the same state? Hello? This same school also lost all of my transcripts and wanted me to re-send them (which would have cost $100+). They also complained that I didn't use the proper form to send them- which is not anywhere on their website, or on the application, nor is there any reference to this form in either location. The only way to know you need this form is to get ahold of someone in the office (I've still never spoken to anyone on the phone, despite leaving 6+ messages over the last 4 months) and ask, and/or have them lose your transcripts and have them complain about you not using this mysterious form. I'm curious as to how I am supposed to use the form since the transcripts are coming directly from the schools, and not from me.

So far, super impressed.

Sarcasm aside, I actually am impressed with the actual PROGRAM if not their organizational and communication skills. It's the only program with an emphasis on counseling, which is great. That appeals to me, and while I don't want to be a counselor, to tap into the same tools as a mediator would be very helpful, IMO.

UMASS, BOSTON
I got notice on Friday that I have been accepted to the University of Massachusetts, Boston. I am in shock. I never thought I would get in. It's a GREAT school. I am hugely flattered. And totally confused.

Great opportunity, great school, amazing thing right there. I think I had the realization when I got the notice that I really want to go to a public school. I value it more or something. I don't know why. But the cost of living in Boston is astronomical. However, the tuition is lower than even Oregon.

What spooked me in my acceptance letter however would be the 5 news items about the department all relating to international conflict. This is what the school specializes in. It's an east-coast school. They think globally. This isn't my interest.

DU
Attended a webinar with the director/dean of the department. Only one other person attended and she had not yet applied to the program. The director just rubs me the wrong way. I felt that way on the phone, and I felt like that when I saw her on camera. She feels- both abrasive and fake. She's like a fake smiler. It doesn't feel genuine, she doesn't feel relaxed or natural and my back goes up when I hear from her as a consequence. I am honored to be accepted in the program, I was one of only 21 students accepted. This is a prestigious thing. However, I am apprehensive. I love the area, I think it's beautiful and I've been dreaming of Colorado for a long time, but something about this department makes me nervous. I think DU is where I am going to accept but I can't shake this feeling of uneasiness. I am afraid they won't really care about me.

MARQUETTE
I can't reach anyone in the department. No one calls me back, I have no idea when the deadline is. It is probably long past and I have no idea.  However, I saw some of their commercials on Youtube, and I died- I loved them! They touched me in a way I can't describe. The university's motto of "Be the Difference" is really what I believe as a person and pretty much what I wrote about in my essay and I didn't even realize. I also loved that they were working hard to fight back against sexual assaults on campus, which is a huge issue. Milwaukee has some nasty rape statistics that frankly made me uncomfortable. This alleviated some of that anxiety because the school is fighting back. However, snow 8 months of the year and a beer guzzling culture also makes me uncomfortable. It's very far away, and I'm just not sure.

My bottom line, I realized as I laid in bed last night was, I really, truly need to visit these campuses in order to make an educated decision, and I just don't have the time before the deadlines. I don't know what to do. If I don't get into Oregon, I am totally lost. I don't want to regret my decision and I am afraid not visiting campuses is going to be a huge regret.