Taken in February.
In the 5th grade, I distinctly remember having a whispered, worried conversation with my friend Jessica Noble about our weights. Jessica was very tall, and probably a healthy weight for her height, but I was very short. We weighed the same- 100 pounds in the 5th grade. I was very ashamed and she had somewhat similar feelings, best I could gather. We confided in each other for comfort and I felt better.
Not long after this shared confession, I had a conversation with someone in my class and they asked me about my weight. I, feeling empowered by my shared struggle with Jessica, told the girl flat out what I weighed. The girl was was horrified. (She probably weighed around 45 pounds and was actually probably underweight.) I tried to stick up for myself (aka, I was defensive) by telling her Jessica weighed the same and she looked good. Jess had been pretty matter of fact about her weight so I assumed she wouldn't mind. This little brat marched up to Jess and told her I had said she weighed 100 pounds, same as me. Jessica flat out denied it. Said she had never said that and she didn't weigh anywhere near that amount. She even denied it to me in private later on. I was humiliated. And felt alone! I often did feel alone and isolated in elementary school. Despite the fact I had good friends, I often felt abandoned or excluded, like in this scenario.
By the time high school came around, I had started restricting my caloric intake to under 1,000 calories a day. But I also had started binging, and eating in secret, hiding food, so I didn't lose any weight. I would secretly do work out videos in my room- until my mom heard the repetitive foot steps upstairs and confronted me about it. She said it was fine I was exercising, she just wanted to know what I was doing. I was so embarrassed and ashamed I denied it, and never worked out at home again. Allowing other people to be aware I was bothered by my weight was very upsetting for me. I don't know why.
When my parents were at work I would secretly run around the neighborhood, or do Tae Bo videos at my dad's house with TV on mute so no one would know. (My dad had a single story house so no footsteps to hear!) But it didn't work. (Or minimally.) I just always felt hungry, and I was alone a lot. My most striking memories from high school are of walking home (a good couple miles over hills), stopping at CVS and buying either a pint of ice cream or a bag of chips. Every day. I'd eat that for lunch in front of the TV watching Days of Our Lives and Sunset Beach. I was a shy kid, I lived with a drug addict for a sibling, and my parents weren't home alot. I didn't want anyone to come to my house, so I did my socializing at school. Outside of school, I mostly hid out at home. It was embarrassing. Our house wasn't that nice, and I was embarrassed of my family. I loved them, but I didn't want to have to explain my sister's problems, or my dad's temper, or my mother's lack of boundaries to anyone.
In college I gained weight in the dorms (of course), and by the time Spring term rolled around, I had re-dedicated myself to losing weight. I started getting chicken breasts and black beans at the DC ("Dining Commons"/cafeteria) and started trying to run/walk again. This time I was more successful and lost somewhere between 20-40 pounds over 7 months or so.
But it didn't last. (It never did.) And the cycle continued. A few times I dropped significant amounts of weight- the most striking being when I really started running (5 miles a day, very, very slowly) and went from over 230 to the 160's. (Around 70 pounds.) But it came back. It took some time, but it did. The one interesting "consequence" to getting my weight down that far was boys finally started paying attention to me. That was new, and I finally started dating- way behind the curve.
Generally speaking, I average about the same weight that I did in high school- somewhere around 200. Sometimes above, sometimes below, but that's the neighborhood my body likes to hang out in. For me, that's about a 14/16 pant size and a Large (sometimes XL, but not usually) top. It's probably good that I've managed to avoid getting even bigger, but I am not happy at this size. My mother used to manage a Diet Center, and has a degree in Family & Consumer Sciences- I don't believe she taught me wrong, but I do believe I self-medicate with food. I know that I struggle with depression, and more recently I've realized that I am a fairly anxious person. I've had issues with anxiety since childhood. But no one ever really caught on that that was the problem. I didn't really learn coping mechanisms until I started therapy Post-Matt. I can recognize when I am having anxiety now, if it is fairly significant, but I've stopped myself with a bowl of Ben & Jerry's a couple of times and thought- "Are you eating this just because you're trying to avoid working because it stresses you out?"
The answer to that question turned out to be "yes," too.
The fact of the matter is, eating sugar or carbs gives your brain a short term dopamine/seratonin boost. For someone who naturally lacks these hormones (like me), eating those kinds of things- refined carbohydrates- puts my brain back at a "normal" level where I can deal with life more easily.
First, that's sad.
It also makes struggles with your weight really difficult. You need to have effective coping mechanisms for anxiety in place in order to avoid using food as an anti-depressant or anti-anxiety medication.
I have wondered if I need to be on a light anti-anxiety medication again, just for general maintenance. But I'm not super enthused about doing that. I was on meds for quite a while with the Matt debacle, and also after I left law school the second time. It was rough going. Being on meds also requires a high degree of monitoring. I know what is entailed in that process- it's very effective, but it's also a lot of work.
My inclination is to try and increase my own mindfulness with my anxiety and how it relates to food. This year, I've dropped about 10 pounds since January (going from a high of 207, to a low of 193, and then bouncing around the 195-197 neighborhood) and that is definitely the slowest I have ever lost weight. I have two thoughts about that- it's good, slower is more effective for long term sustainability- but it's also frustrating because I'm still about the size I always am. Except I'm over 30 and every thing looks different now!
I am consistently active now, and enjoy the activities I do. I'm a lot more social, and depend on friends much more so than I did in the past. I'm also just a lot more confident person. I think those things happen with time, age and experience, but they are also the result of therapy and working out some of that childhood baggage. I want to keep working on this, and I hope that I can report some change and progress in the future.
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